so in a previous post i very briefly mentioned SUGAR.
i also called sugar PURE EVIL.
no. i won’t take it back.
i’ve thought a lot about how i would approach this blog post — more thought than i ever put into writing these things (usually it’s what i like to call written diarrhea. . . cuz i thought you needed that image in your mind just now).
anyhow, i realized that this would probably also become a post on body image, cuz let’s face it, the two are related and i am not afraid to talk about all the RETARDED SHIT that goes on in my head sometimes regarding my own body, and let me tell you, this business certainly isn’t the most sympathetic in regards to that, and I happen to be in it.
so a little background: my family is chinese. which means growing up, adults encourage you to eat A LOT OF FUCKING FOOD. and then if you get fat, they all make fun of you. and you can’t get offended.
that really didn’t apply to me personally because i was such a skinny freaking kid growing up that i developed a really nice positive relationship with food. as in, i ate a LOT of it. i took pride in my ability to eat so much for being so petite. pound for pound i could probably destroy ALL of you in an eating contest. i also had a lot of, erm, tummy issues growing up. notice i say “tummy issues” now, when earlier i had no problem writing DIARRHEA in a metaphoric sense. no matter, you get the idea. we’ve ALL been there. ahem.
in high school, i remember being called “skinny” a lot. i feared that people would think i had an eating disorder after learning about them from teen magazines (they might as well send you a manual, i mean really). so what did i do? i binged. i ate voraciously. and with great vigor. i bragged about how much i could eat. i was very lucky because at home my mom always cooked healthy, wholesome, balanced meals (thank you mom, you saved my life and future), but when not eating my mom’s cooking, it was BAD. LOTS of BAD FOOD. Pizza, doritos, cheetos, pasta, white bread, twix, fries, and COCA COLA. good god i loved coca cola. BUT — i was also in dance, cheerleading, diving, and an overall active young person, so of course — i stayed small.
fast forward to post college, move to LA. now the metabolism is slowing, now the physical activity is totally irregular or at some points nonexistent. now my mom isn’t cooking for me anymore. now i’m starting to notice…
these two bad bitches at The Little Room Studio offered a deal through [my guilty pleasure] GROUPON and i took it. glad i did. love the shots and can’t wait to share more.
it’s funny how in this business, EVERYTHING can change. in. just. one.
instant.
this is something i can really feel where i am right now. in this moment.
the last few years have been a build up.
it has been a time to learn. absorb. affect.
the biggest lesson was the most simple and yet sometimes the hardest.
i had to learn how to believe in myself.
see, it’s strange because i always did to an extent. otherwise i wouldn’t have made my way to los angeles and started living this very unconventional and terrifyingly unstable lifestyle, which i only say unconventional and terrifying from the assumed perspective of other more conventional and stable individuals, because for me, this feels normal and i honestly welcome a constant flow of change and unpredictability. i crave and relish it.
something new?
slurrrrrrrp.
but yes. there were still layers of the cocoon that needed to be shed. pieces of my transforming self waiting to be exposed. and i’ve been purposefully, carefully, and lovingly peeling the layers back one by one…
this will be an ongoing process of course. as is life. the transformation will always continue into each new phase of my life. but the lesson i had to learn for today, for this moment and for the rest of my life, was to believe unconditionally. to trust. and to enjoy every moment of getting here. through all the hard times and all the successes. each moment has been a building block forming my life and my future. i’m so excited for all the possibilities. both the ones i make and the ones that cross my path.
life is so beautiful in this sense. it never ends and the possibilities are infinite.
i don’t have any specific news to share with you. yet. but in this moment, i celebrate my own private success. because i got what i want.
i’m having a bit of a tantrum right now. maybe it’s silly, but tsk!
i don’t wanna!!!
i don’t want to go back to my [incredibly spoiled] life!!!
auditions? yoga? california cuisine? bright summer sun? what? boriiiiing…
i just can’t be bothered right now.
what the fuck happened?
you goddamn australians, that’s what happened. christ i’m in love. i was so charmed…
completely swept.
i saw so much beauty in those 10 days. beauty in the land. beauty in the people.
don’t be jealous, los angeles. you know i love you. i do. you let me in, you’ve been there for me. you’ve provided for me and nourished me. i feel you baby.
but i am lurrrrrrrrving australia right now, boy. sprung. to. hell.
australia. you are so open. friendly. funny. warm. beautiful. modest. charming. real…
meow.
the land was intensely beautiful. so much beauty. so so much. i fell in love every day i was there.
sigh…
focus. must be a productive member of society.
so…photos. i did the unthinkable and lost my camera right before leaving sydney. wtf! but i took quite a lot of photos on my phone and they turned out surprisingly spectacular (i love my new iphone). you won’t see a lot of sydney (whoever picked up my camera gets to see those), but fall in love with the country town Dungog like i did. it was so beautiful. i mean seriously, my eyes came everyday. i suppose i should also mention that our film Passengers got some great response! this trip was amazing. i met so many amazing people, saw films, drank coffee, slept in a bunk bed in a youth hostel haha…so much freakin’ fun i can’t take it.
sometimes i can be so selective about what i share on here. other times one might consider my posts over-sharing. i mean pee dreams? those of you who love that post, i know you’re out there.
i’ve found the last several weeks a period of tremendous growth. i have so many ideas and see so much potential in the world. i can’t seem to put into words what i see, so i neglect to update my blog and all those other sharing tools. it’s not that i forget. actually i’m constantly wanting to share some news of success. i forget that most people are more forgiving than i am myself. some of my minor successes i write off, assuming you’d be bored of it. another print job? a commercial callback? oh. we already saw that before.
but it’s not you. it’s me. i’m the one who’s bored. i’m the one who’s no longer impressed. i want something new.
it’s time to level up.
is that why i’m running off to Australia? to mingle with some new blood? and maybe a koala or two?
funny though, i very well could book a commercial that makes me cut my trip to Australia short. it’s actually very amusing to me, and i should just start buying insurance every time i book a flight because this has happened more than once before.
anyhow, one thing i do want to share in this awesomely random, awesomely boring blog, is that sometimes the universe reveals the very thing i’m asking for. and it may not go exactly the way i want it to go, but i just have to trust that how it IS going will take me through all the steps needed to realize my vision.
i learned yesterday that i still have growing to do.
i am so lucky. i am so happy. i am so thankful for this lesson.
you have no idea what i’m talking about, but i promise that you will.
just when i think life is getting drab, it pops a little excitement pill and sends me packing somewhere. how about that.
this morning i received a call from my rep and she says guess what you’re going to kansas city.
my first thought was…wait, which one was that? oh yeeaahh…
so, i guess i’m going to kansas city tomorrow.
it’s strange fun going on these out of town jobs all of a sudden. you unexpectedly get to go somewhere and meet some really cool, interesting people…i love that.
i’m a lucky girl.
catch ya when i get back…maybe i’ll give ya’ll the juicy details…
i was joking around with a friend yesterday — having some faux-competitive ego flexing — when he asked me what i wanted for stakes.
i was momentarily frozen, unable to think of something to wager, almost overwhelmed by the playful competition. i proclaimed that i was sooo NOT really a competitive person, which lead him to ask, “how can you not be competitive? you’re job is all about competition!”
and well, the answer is…i am actually competitive. but, with myself. i am always feeling like i need to do better. to do more. to do something nobody else has done. however, when it comes to feeling competitive toward my actual, living, breathing competitors — the ones i see at auditions, that are reading for and being seen for the same roles as me — well, i learned that it doesn’t serve me the slightest to focus on them in that way. to pin myself against them.
funny thing is, i used to do this. back when i FIRST started, i used to go on IMDb and creep around all the other asian chicks in my age range to see what they’ve done, who they were repped by, how long they’ve been doing this. and you know what? it was awful for me. it made me insecure and worried about what i DIDN’T have under my belt yet. what I HADN’T accomplished.
the best thing i can do for my work is keep finding new outlets for expression and meeting people who inspire me. it also truly helps to feel like i have an audience, so i thank all of ya’ll who follow this damn thing. seriously. if you wanna get interactive on this shit…i’d love to hear from ya.
inspire me.
another from lee clower of course. a previous shoot…
btw, if you wanna click on MY IMDb, please feel free…
photo by 
