CutebutDeadly.net

I ain’t talkin’ bubble baths

i have been feeling stretched a little…so much going on.  mom, birthdays, weddings, parties, shows, friends, babies…so many people to see…friends i miss.  but  it’s making me crave some ‘ME’ time.  you know, like…a nice long day to myself where i do all kinds of weird shit around the house.  “clean.”  dance around.  rifle through old stuff.  take self portraits.  write.  make a video.

THAT is what i think i need to do.  make a goddamn video.  but jeez…of course i have to have the most complicated idea ever that will require a ton of production…which means i need to make some serious scrill.  let me just tell you, last year was rough.  who am i kidding?  i ain’t rich.  i am so lucky i worked as much as i did last year, but most of my commercial work will only air in asia = no residuals.  STILL…i booked more jobs in 2009 than any previous year, so I am incredibly grateful.  thank you, universe, i heart you.

but i’m bored.  restless.  ready to sink.  in.  my.  teeth.

2010, i feel you.  you feel good to me.  let’s play.

sup sufu

luv yous guys

what is the meaning of this?

had an audition today.  the wardrobe was “nice casual.”  so…

next on today’s agenda:  meeting with an agent.  it’s like car shopping.

Da Reel

new. head. shot.

courtesy of miss leigha hodnet (she’s so lovely).

LA isn’t built for rain

but something in me sure was, and i’m enjoying every moment of it.  in fact, i bought rain boots yesterday because there were four more days of rain forecasted.  and then i probably won’t wear them again all year, but who friggin cares!

anyhow, that isn’t what i really wanted to talk about here today.  what do i want to talk about, you might ask?

relationships.

no.  not those kind of relationships.  i’m talking professional ones.

see, i was driving in the rain today after dropping off a submission to an agency that i am very interested in, and while blissing out to the millions of rain splatters being wiped over and over from the windshield, i started to draw comparisons between professional relationships between an agent and actor, to a more personal, intimate relationship.

what i concluded to myself was that previously, in my own experience, i was not in the right relationship.  and what i’ve learned about being in a wrong relationship — professional or personal — is that i end up losing myself.  slowly.  pieces of me.  little by little.  when i’m in the wrong relationship, i start to forget how to just be me.  and i start thinking i have to be what other people expect me to be.  not so much in a conscious way, but subconsciously over time.

it was horrible for me creatively.  i was so blocked.  i became so unsure about what i was doing and THAT is actor suicide.

let me be clear that i didn’t think these relationships were BAD relationships.  they just weren’t right.  for me.  the last year was such a blessing for me.  being freed from my old rep was the most inspiring thing they’ve ever done for me.  it allowed myself to come back.  to be me again.  it gave me the motivation to make my silly, fun video, and even start this website.  and the crazy thing is, this return-to-my-true-self seems to just beget more and more work.  people started coming to me with work this past year and i didn’t even have an agent.  i’m not sure when the last time was that i was so happy and productive.

to be fair to the people before, i wasn’t so happy or enlighted when i met them, so they didn’t get to see the real me then either.  so it’s nobody’s fault that it didn’t work out.  we all just needed to find ourselves, yes?

i guess THAT is a sign that i’m ready for a new relationship.  professional, that is.  and i’m very excited to find the right people who will fit.  just.  right.

so…wish me luck, ya’ll!

and enjoy this cuddle weather.

my #1 cuddle buddy watching sag screeners with me

hola biatches

after returning from my little work odyssey the holiday season just sort of swarmed over the land and then i was just too distracted to update.  how terribly neglectful of me.  i’m an awful awful person.  looking back at that last post before i left, i was so abrupt.  so insensitive.  please forgive me.  it’s a terrible excuse, but i found out at 2pm that i would be leaving the next morning for over 10 days and i had SOOOO much crap to do.  certainly a good lesson to be more on top of my shit in case i book more of these cool out of town/country gigs, huh.  wha???  ahhgh!

so let’s get to the good stuff, yes?

ARGENTINA.  wtf.  they eat a LOT of meat.  drink a LOT of wine.  smoke a LOT of cigarettes.  kiss-greet gloriously.  OH.  and drink yerba mate all up in the joint all damn day.

needless to say, the trip was da sh*t.

maybe i was getting a particularly fine sampling of the creative contingency in buenos aires, but i loved how effortlessly hip everyone was on set.  they rocked the most efficient chill-the-fuck-out work mode i’ve ever seen.  all around there was an abundance of great personal style and also LAUGHTER.  people were working, but they were having lots of fun.  it was rad.

we had two sets of talent the whole shoot.  one for the latin american market, and one for the asian market.  it was a trip because there would be two girls in the same outfit, one latin and one asian.  so without further ado, i invite you to click the meat for photos i put up in a facebook album because, well…i’m feeling too lazy to upload them into the blog.  but also, i took a lot of video of this trip that i plan on editing into a vlaggg.  wohoo.  so deal.

I also had the pleasure of traveling to Lafayette, Louisiana to work on a film called Fight or Flight.  probably the coolest part of this job was watching the FX makeup artist transform me into a gory “zombie.”  so rad!!  She was so good…and made it appear effortless, although all in all it would take an hour and a half to get it on, and then an hour to take it all off.  crazy.  after the second full day of sitting in this wet, sticky, mess, i was impatient and pulled one of the prosthetic pieces off my neck without the proper removal solution.  the next day i woke up with a nasty mark on my neck…basically a disgusting, weird shaped hickey from the silicone pulling off my skin.  gross.  it’s still not completely gone yet.  doh.

aside from all that, i had such a pleasure working with everyone on this show.  everyone worked sooo hard and under tremendous pressure at times, but everyone still managed to have a good time.  they also helped give me a nice birthday away from home and almost made it feeel like i was celebrating with old friends.  it was incredibly sweet and left a really nice memory for me to keep always.

anyhow, before this blog becomes endless, some photos of the makeup.  CAUTION:  it’s pretty bloody!

oh and prosthetic open wounds look uncannily like vaginas before they’re painted and bloodied up.  enjoy.

get busy, kids!

ok, this is a quick one cuz i just ain’t got time.

first off, i just booked two gigs back to back that were confirmed today.  so now, suddenly tomorrow morning i’m flying off to Buenos Aires, Argentina (woohoo) to shoot a commercial for Surf that will air in Vietnam, Indonesia, Thailand, and Phillipines.  SWEET.

immediately following that, i fly to LaFayette, Louisiana to shoot a role on a feature film (woohoo 2)

so, since i probably won’t be able to update while i’m gone, i’ll catch you up after, k?  k.  muah.

jay chou and i make a lousy couple

shot that sprite commercial on sunday and there’s only one word to describe the whole day:  COLD.  goddamn it was cold!  we were sitting outside ALL day and unlike mr. chou, the other two principle actors and i didn’t get to meander back to a plush trailer in between every setup.

still, it was fun and although very quiet and reserved, jay was super nice.  we shared some laughs and he even listened to a song i recorded recently from my ipod and said it was good.  sweet.  now gimme a record deal.

after our first fight

(i kid.  the guy in his entourage who took this didn’t give us any warning haha)

Los Angeles has shitty cuddle weather

as in it’s still freaking hot outside.  i’m craving the cold.  you know, like one of those wonderfully crisp nights where the perfect nesting temp can only be created with the help of a lover.  meow…

BUT, fall is great for other things, such as a busier commercial world.  i’ve been auditioning more and booked a national spot for American Family Insurance.  sweet.  AND, i’m on avail for a Sprite commercial starring Jay Chou.  rad rad.  keep your fingers crossed for me.

also great, but annoying is Halloween.  this year i decided i would milk every last drop out of the skeleton hoodie i bought for the BaO video and wore it for Dia De Los Muertos and Halloween.  made this season so much more enjoyable because i didn’t have to come up with some stupid shit costume.  not to mention it is the most comfortable thing EVER — the total antithesis to all the skimpy outfits that hot bitches (and not so hot ones) all over our country don on this day.  anyhow, some photos:

my neighbor Tomi Monstre wins for best roboho

da hoodie

Benzo my partner in crime that night

lucifer doing some biznatch before we go

anahiiiiiiiiiii

the grand entry way

glow mouse head

audrey

freaking fantastic

a lady in the loo

benzo caught fraternizing with a booty ho

dilated

lock

i found some booty hos too

but i don't think they be ho'en it for my team

note passing since 1992

it’s so cliche to post a sexy pic

but this one is definitely a creamer

OH YEAH, btw, i booked that commercial.  shoots beginning of nov.  woohoo!