as usual, transformation is the name of the game peeps. not surprising to me anymore, as this IS the time. it’s now or never!!
are you noticing it as well? noticing yourself and the people around you making changes, or if not consciously making them, situations “occur” to cause a shift? if you presence yourself and pay attention to the world around you, patterns and synchronicities emerge. everywhere. major shifts in our lives and major shifts on the planet, in our bodies, in our hearts, all mirroring each other so synchronistically. it’s so fucking beautiful and amazing i can hardly stand it! i am really just using an old paradigm figure of speech, because not only can i stand it, i am just reveling in it. soaking it up, yum yum fucking YUM.
let me ask you: how good can YOU stand it?
obviously, if you saw my last post, you heard me go on about exploring raw cuisine, and the many positive effects it has had on my health and spirit. and i realize rather than label myself a raw foodist, i’ve evolved into an intuitive eater, where i generally prefer food with a high content of nutrition, and that subsists of fresh, organically grown food, the less treated the better, and ultimately balance is the key.
when i began this exploration, my intention was to cleanse my body of all the toxins we take in on a regular basis eating processed and conventionally grown foods. i am so so so so grateful for this book i found called Secrets of An Alkaline Body, written by Annie Jubb. she opened a restaurant called Lifefood Organic near my place in hollywood, and discovering it, her, and the book… well, it saved my life. i am completely serious when i say this.
whatever was brewing beneath the surface that i couldn’t see but could intuitively feel, that probably wouldn’t have caused any “serious” issues for many years still, was causing a lot of fear deep in my mind. the deep fear came from not knowing. and not knowing creates lack of ease (hello? dis-ease!). this fear over not knowing kept me re-living my old patterns, which would have surely lead to disease. that is, until i gave myself the gift of bringing the parts of me sinking into the dark back into light. literally. for me, this was through food. i brought in more light — light created by the synthesis of the sun and the earth and our plants — back into my physical body.
this is fucking LIFE FORCE.
by seeking knowledge, i discovered knowing. by exercising integrity and intentionally changing my old patterns, i created ease. which came from harnessing the light. and the light is… well… ready? God. Source. Creator. Is. Be. Am. Us. You. Me. Whateveryouwannacallexistence.
and it blew my heart open. ok ok, so you’ve heard this already yes?
so why is this coming up again?
well.
it has to do with a few sexy pictures that i’ve been hesitant to share.
HA!
this is certainly, by far, my most spiritual segue into sexy photos [to date].
but you see, this hesitancy to share is teaching me SOOOOO much about the whole process i’m going through discovering my true self. the photos are of course, from my annual summer shoot with my brother from another galaxy, lee clower. my connection with lee and the images we co-create is a channel for me to share an aspect of myself that i had kept in a pattern of hiding. it is an aspect innate within me — in fact, a gift — innate in all of us.
our sexuality.
the pure energy of creation. this energy is so beautiful, so amazing, so deep, so fucking fire engine yes solar flare yes more aliens yes bursting universal loving yes ecstasy yes YES YES YES!
and yet… we are told our whole lives no no no…
that energy is shameful. you shouldn’t share that. you’ll be judged. you’ll be exploited. you’ll be stripped of your dignity. and to add another layer to the mix, we are also taught that our bodies should be “perfect.” perfect? what’s perfect??? and as defined by who???
when i was still “toxic” i bought into a lot of the shame and guilt. i required spiritual assistance (aka my friend big Green) to bring me to a place even close to self-acceptance. and since we’ve already established that i pretty much tell you everything (i mean, sheesh, if you just read from the beginning, this blog is basically a map of patty yu’s journey to self discovery), i totally used that “assistance” for this shoot, taken only halfway into my “spiritual transformation.” i say halfway because i was consciously doing a lot of looking inward to “exorcise the demons” and making fantastic progress! but i was still recreating many of the same patterns.
and so, when i look at these photos, i am reminded of where i was then. i see in my eyes the pain of not knowing. and i see a body that i recognize as beautiful and sexy, but i know that it was mistreated, not fed for 2 days prior, because i felt out of control due to lack of any real knowledge about how to nourish it. i recognize the confused me in those photos and i remember her. and my hesitation to share is me pausing to feel through those memories.
the echos of fear. echos of shame. echos of guilt.
but i know something changed. for good. and therefore i release all my judgment and i honor her. for making that shift. to get her to me.
to now.
because now i live in bliss every day. now i see myself in the light.
and i appreciate, and cherish, and nourish, and love my self, like we all deserve to be loved. nourished. cherished. appreciated.
and for whatever reason i am compelled to just share all of this process. to perhaps illuminate the complexity of self-consciousness, and how that can manifest within the human mind. i share this information to assist in your transformation, should you seek it.
because i appreciate, and cherish, and nourish, and love YOU, like YOU deserve to be loved. nourished. cherished. appreciated.
i ruv yous.
whew!
now that was a lot of foreplay…
are you as curious as i am how the next shoot will go?
love you lee. i am so grateful to co-create with you.
the time finally came for me to vlog out. what kind of person does these things? these little vlog things?
me. apparently.
i mean, rather than start another written post saying long it’s been since i’ve blogged blah blah blah blah blah, i decided to just talk it out. OH BOY did i talk it out. BEWARE. 10 minutes of yours truly and that’s after editing it down.
you’re welcome.
and well, not to reveal anything in there, but you’ve probably already read about some of the shifts i’ve been going through and all i wanna say to preface my video (if it resonates with you) is that every person will find a way that works for him or her, but the key to all things in life is intention, and i only encourage each and every single one of you on your path to full health and happiness. i’ve picked up a LOT of tools in the last year that i will continue to share.
my growth involved many transitions and phases, but the one specific thing i cannot stress enough to every single person who reads this is to go ORGANIC and only support sustainable, HUMANE farming practices. do it for your body, for your children, for your future, for OUR future.
also, if there was one thing i did not mention in my video that i would say now is:
have you ever woken up one day and realized you are a completely different person?
this is happening to me. over and over and over again.
complete transformation.
wtf [inthebestway].
it used to take so much time for me to change, and as i mentioned before, i seem to be changing faster and faster… at the speed of light.
even just a year ago i was still living in toxicity. so much better than before, but still attached to a way of life that did not serve me one freaking bit. alcohol? binge eating? exploiting myself?
however, through all the pain that i was not allowing myself to feel (with plenty of heavy medication of the herbal variety), my true self persevered.
i think about writing in my blog every single day. and yet i don’t. obvsly.
please forgive me.
it’s not that i don’t have things to share. i do. tons in fact. for example, it was my birthday on the 10th of december. AND, i recently shot an episode of the show BONES in November, which suddenly had to be reshot on said birthday. might sound like a bummer but it turned out to be exactly the steamy birthday gift from the universe i asked for. wrapped in one easy package! but what do you mean patty yu?
well kids, number one, patty yu asked for work. check. number two patty yu asked for some lovin on her birthday. CHECK.
WHA??? yes. that is correct. see, it was an unseasonably warm week before my bday. i was shooting the shit with the universe, you know, cracking jokes, making grand exclamations of gratitude, and just having a nice day together, when i teased that it’s my birthday in a few days and you know i want to ri-i-i-i-ide out. i say teased, because the reality of this happening in patty yu’s life as we currently know it is slim to none (that’s if i want to keep my self respect, know what i’m sayin ladees?). so i just kind of laughed it off and thought nothing of it. taylor was there, she’ll tell you.
Out of nowhere, the 2nd AD on Bones calls and says we might have to reshoot on my bday. holy crap. my very first love scene on network TV (did i mention that?) and it had to be re-shot. oy. a few thoughts went through my mind. did i not give them what they wanted? everyone seemed so pleased and satisfied that first day. what possibly went wrong?
in two words: TOO. SEXY.
damn.
sorry bout that.
i only did exactly what the director asked of me. but here’s the little lesson in the business: the producers enforce the censorship handbook in situations like these, and the FOX network is… well… you fill in the blank. i have nothing bad to say about anyone. there’s something for everyone in the world. yada yada.
this is the part where i get to MY POINT: even though everything seemed to be perfect that first day of shooting and i did everything asked of me, and the world seemed to be moving forward as usual after we finished, somehow i still managed to find myself on top of an attractive young actor on my birthday.
happy fucking birthday to me.
sure, he was married IRL and it was all pretend, but he was sweet, had great energy, was uber respectful, and there was no chance to take it too far. HOW FREAKING PERFECT IS THAT???
thanks universe. i know you got my back. love ya lots.
maybe my periods of silence come in part because it’s slightly difficult to explain to ya’ll these circumstances, considering i always bring my pal U[niverse] into the convo (what is this bitch on you’re probably asking) and thus it all starts to seem a bit out there.
maybe the silence comes in part because i feel like i’m changing at light speed, especially now that i’ve been living so healthy and not making excuses anymore and being totally accountable for myself and all my decisions. living the dream, instead of living in desire.
maybe the silence comes in part because i have a LOT to share. my photoshoot with lee from this summer for example. i’ve only shared a few images. and there are more. oh BOY are there more. (i’ll be sure to explain my irrational complexes surrounding these images another time i promise.)
but when it really comes down to it… silly me…
i just feel kinda…
shy.
it makes no sense, i know, but that’s how i feel sometimes. i am only human after all.
so in a previous post i very briefly mentioned SUGAR.
i also called sugar PURE EVIL.
no. i won’t take it back.
i’ve thought a lot about how i would approach this blog post — more thought than i ever put into writing these things (usually it’s what i like to call written diarrhea. . . cuz i thought you needed that image in your mind just now).
anyhow, i realized that this would probably also become a post on body image, cuz let’s face it, the two are related and i am not afraid to talk about all the RETARDED SHIT that goes on in my head sometimes regarding my own body, and let me tell you, this business certainly isn’t the most sympathetic in regards to that, and I happen to be in it.
so a little background: my family is chinese. which means growing up, adults encourage you to eat A LOT OF FUCKING FOOD. and then if you get fat, they all make fun of you. and you can’t get offended.
that really didn’t apply to me personally because i was such a skinny freaking kid growing up that i developed a really nice positive relationship with food. as in, i ate a LOT of it. i took pride in my ability to eat so much for being so petite. pound for pound i could probably destroy ALL of you in an eating contest. i also had a lot of, erm, tummy issues growing up. notice i say “tummy issues” now, when earlier i had no problem writing DIARRHEA in a metaphoric sense. no matter, you get the idea. we’ve ALL been there. ahem.
in high school, i remember being called “skinny” a lot. i feared that people would think i had an eating disorder after learning about them from teen magazines (they might as well send you a manual, i mean really). so what did i do? i binged. i ate voraciously. and with great vigor. i bragged about how much i could eat. i was very lucky because at home my mom always cooked healthy, wholesome, balanced meals (thank you mom, you saved my life and future), but when not eating my mom’s cooking, it was BAD. LOTS of BAD FOOD. Pizza, doritos, cheetos, pasta, white bread, twix, fries, and COCA COLA. good god i loved coca cola. BUT — i was also in dance, cheerleading, diving, and an overall active young person, so of course — i stayed small.
fast forward to post college, move to LA. now the metabolism is slowing, now the physical activity is totally irregular or at some points nonexistent. now my mom isn’t cooking for me anymore. now i’m starting to notice…
by my stargazing brother