CutebutDeadly.net

blame bashfulness

i think about writing in my blog every single day.  and yet i don’t.  obvsly.

please forgive me.

it’s not that i don’t have things to share.  i do.  tons in fact.  for example, it was my birthday on the 10th of december.  AND, i recently shot an episode of the show BONES in November, which suddenly had to be reshot on said birthday.  might sound like a bummer but it turned out to be exactly the steamy birthday gift from the universe i asked for.  wrapped in one easy package!  but what do you mean patty yu?

well kids, number one, patty yu asked for work.  check.  number two patty yu asked for some lovin on her birthday.  CHECK.

WHA???  yes.  that is correct.  see, it was an unseasonably warm week before my bday.  i was shooting the shit with the universe, you know, cracking jokes, making grand exclamations of gratitude, and just having a nice day together, when i teased that it’s my birthday in a few days and you know i want to ri-i-i-i-ide out.  i say teased, because the reality of this happening in patty yu’s life as we currently know it is slim to none (that’s if i want to keep my self respect, know what i’m sayin ladees?).  so i just kind of laughed it off and thought nothing of it.  taylor was there, she’ll tell you.

Out of nowhere, the 2nd AD on Bones calls and says we might have to reshoot on my bday.  holy crap.  my very first love scene on network TV (did i mention that?) and it had to be re-shot.  oy.  a few thoughts went through my mind.  did i not give them what they wanted?  everyone seemed so pleased and satisfied that first day.  what possibly went wrong?

in two words:  TOO.  SEXY.

damn.

sorry bout that.

i only did exactly what the director asked of me.  but here’s the little lesson in the business:  the producers enforce the censorship handbook in situations like these, and the FOX network is… well… you fill in the blank.  i have nothing bad to say about anyone.  there’s something for everyone in the world.  yada yada.

this is the part where i get to MY POINT:  even though everything seemed to be perfect that first day of shooting and i did everything asked of me, and the world seemed to be moving forward as usual after we finished, somehow i still managed to find myself on top of an attractive young actor on my birthday.

happy fucking birthday to me.

sure, he was married IRL and it was all pretend, but he was sweet, had great energy, was uber respectful, and there was no chance to take it too far.  HOW FREAKING PERFECT IS THAT???

thanks universe.  i know you got my back.  love ya lots.

maybe my periods of silence come in part because it’s slightly difficult to explain to ya’ll these circumstances, considering i always bring my pal U[niverse] into the convo (what is this bitch on you’re probably asking) and thus it all starts to seem a bit out there.

maybe the silence comes in part because i feel like i’m changing at light speed, especially now that i’ve been living so healthy and not making excuses anymore and being totally accountable for myself and all my decisions.  living the dream, instead of living in desire.

maybe the silence comes in part because i have a LOT to share.  my photoshoot with lee from this summer for example.  i’ve only shared a few images.  and there are more.  oh BOY are there more.  (i’ll be sure to explain my irrational complexes surrounding these images another time i promise.)

but when it really comes down to it… silly me…

i just feel kinda…

shy.

it makes no sense, i know, but that’s how i feel sometimes.  i am only human after all.

gulp.

well, now you know my weakness.

IT’S OVER.

kidding.

and here’s a photo.

oh shit!

happy birthday to YOU.

by my stargazing brother lee clower

Tap In

Thanksgiving.

excessive as it’s become (as with all American EVERYTHING), it is one of my favorite times of the year.

why?

well, for one, i can actually feel the surge of collective gratitude emanating around us.

thanksgiving is one of those holidays where, even though humans are scrambling and stressing to buy just the right things to complete just the right process to create just the right colon blockage, we are also insistently reminded to think of what we appreciate in our lives.

what we are thankful for.

wow.  i mean you can feel it if you just slowed down a second.

if you close your eyes…

breathe slowly in and out of your nose…

and let time slow down…

the gratitude is practically…

palpable.

THIS is the power of the collective mind.  THIS is what we should be doing EVERY MUTHA FUCKIN DAY.

this is HEALING.

we are so lucky, my fellow humans.  we are SO SO SO SO SO freaking lucky.  and did you know?  when we take these moments to be grateful for all the wonderful gifts the universe brings us, whether it’s material success or personal challenges, if we all just start to see these as gifts, and we navigate through both the successes and challenges equally with grace and gratitude, then the universe will only bestow even more gifts to us.

call it God, call it Luck, call it Manifestation, call it whatever the flying fuck you want.

but i will tell you right now, withOUT gratitude and growth, there is little room created for abundance.  let’s look at relationships for example.  whenever one fuck feels taken for granted by another fuck, the first fuck starts to WITHHOLD.  this is not a foreign concept to most of you, as you have probably all been in one or both of those roles (god knows this bitch has), so let’s all just be honest with ourselves.

anyhow, i’m not here to make anyone rehash old heartaches or any of that bullshit, i just want to remind ya’ll that we are all powerfully creative beings who CREATE our lives — our REALITIES.  and in order to really live life fully, we really must learn to hold onto this feeling of gratitude and practice it every day.

take 60 seconds and close your eyes.

feel the beautiful, positive energy that connects us all today.  do you feel it?  do you feel the joy that’s been putting a hop and skip in the step of strangers all around you as you prepare for this day?  FEEL IT.  hug it.  kiss it.  hell, rub up on it, hump it, whatever you feel compelled to do to it — no judgement — it probably enjoys it as much as you do.  but really feel it!

now imagine yourself harnessing that love with your heart and send that healing energy to all your friends, your loved ones, your babies, your animals, your bosses, your co-workers, your community, all the people you come in contact with today…

but even more importantly, send it out to the rest of the world, to our fellow human beings, to others who have much fewer material luxuries than we do, to others who are suffering from malnutrition, from hunger, from homelessness, from disease, and despair.  take this moment to realize that we have so much.

we have SO MUCH.

i am so grateful for all my fellow human beings.  i am so grateful to have a healthy, active mind that can visualize and see a future where humans understand that fighting serves no purpose anymore.  i am so grateful for such amazing, beautiful diversity in our world that we share.  i am so grateful to have the ability and opportunities to serve others, to help others, to encourage others.  i am so grateful for all the challenges that life presents, and grateful for the opportunity to meet and overcome those challenges.  i am so grateful for the ability to change and grow, this ability that is innate within all of us.  every single one of us.  i am grateful for every single human being in this world.  every person, regardless of where you are on the path to self realization, whether you are still lost in the dark, living in the light, or walking the journey in between.  i am so grateful for you.  i am so grateful and i have so much love for every single one of you because you are me and i am you and without each other we would not exist.

i am so grateful.  so so grateful.  my heart just overflows with love for all of you.

today is so beautiful because there is so much of that love energy flowing.  let’s remember to live in love every day my friends.  imagine if we all loved each other this much every day, what that collective flow of love would feel like next thanksgiving.  how much that field of energy will have grown.  if we vowed to love this much everyday, imagine how many hearts we could heal.  if we vowed to love this much everyday, imagine how the world would heal.

i imagine this everyday.

everyday i imagine this.

and my heart just continues to fill with love.  and i realize that love is limitless.  love is infinite.  love is ever present and always there for you to tap into.  love is so abundant that it will always overflow.  all you need to do is feel it.  it’s right here for you.  it’s right here.

right here.

and if you are confused and you can’t feel it, it’s ok.  and just know that i love you.  i love you.  i love you so much.  i love you so so much.  and i know that whatever challenge you face is one you have the ability to overcome.  and i believe in you.  i really do.  there is so much love in my heart and it’s here for you.

so if anything, feel my heart.  because i love you.  unconditionally.

i love you so much.

i love you so much.

so so so much, my beautifuls.

i love you so much.

xxxxxx

Forever Jung

“Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol or morphine or idealism.”  — Carl Jung

if you follow me on twitter or facebook, you have been privy to my barrage of various inspirational quotes of late.

how apropo carl, how apropo.

it’s true though, i have definitely been on an idealism binge.  this one is pretty serious.  i mean, i was always a super idealistic kid.  astrology will tell you it’s in my nature (sadge duh) and i have only ever continually validated that assumption throughout my life.  i mean look at what i’m setting out to do here.  it is an idealholic’s wet dream — cuz until you’re truly in it, this business makes no promises.  no promises at all.  not of fame and definitely not of fortune.

absolutely no guarantees except the one in my soul.

quote that motherfuckers!

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pa(r)tty on

the last few months have been beautiful in so many ways.  so much happiness, love, and excitement in more than one avenue of my life.  this did not come without a few minor disappointments, maybe a major one too, but goddamn it if it wasn’t so much fucking fun.

the gifts i received:

my theatrical soul agent and already a like-family friend.

a magical chance to audition for, get to director’s session with, and be called for avail, on a HUGE studio sequel, based on the casting directors remembering my audition from 3 years ago.  wtf.  i love this town.

so now, with my little army in place, it’s time for me to bring it.  over and over and over again in every door that will accept me and never be upset if i don’t get something now and i will celebrate the shit out of all my near misses.  because they remember.

and when the right role comes, i’ll be prepared with all my heartmindsoul.

and then we’ll fucking party.

brother from another universe lee clower

there is no emergency

“Resist the temptation to yield to any sense of urgency.  There’s no emergency.  Your true direction will make itself known if you’re patient.  “

these words helped me today.

i freaking love life.  so many secret signs everywhere.  so excited, happy, and feeling really good.

oh, btw i got an email today that made me shake with excitement for 30 minutes life is that good.  funny thing is, it wasn’t even news.  yet.  obviously when it becomes news officially, i shall certainly share it with you.

oh, and some more photos from that little room shoot.

what girls are made of

so in a previous post i very briefly mentioned SUGAR.

i also called sugar PURE EVIL.

no.  i won’t take it back.

i’ve thought a lot about how i would approach this blog post — more thought than i ever put into writing these things (usually it’s what i like to call written diarrhea. . . cuz i thought you needed that image in your mind just now).

anyhow, i realized that this would probably also become a post on body image, cuz let’s face it, the two are related and i am not afraid to talk about all the RETARDED SHIT that goes on in my head sometimes regarding my own body, and let me tell you, this business certainly isn’t the most sympathetic in regards to that, and I happen to be in it.

so a little background:  my family is chinese.  which means growing up, adults encourage you to eat A LOT OF FUCKING FOOD.  and then if you get fat, they all make fun of you.  and you can’t get offended.

that really didn’t apply to me personally because i was such a skinny freaking kid growing up that i developed a really nice positive relationship with food.  as in, i ate a LOT of it.  i took pride in my ability to eat so much for being so petite.  pound for pound i could probably destroy ALL of you in an eating contest.  i also had a lot of, erm, tummy issues growing up.  notice i say “tummy issues” now, when earlier i had no problem writing DIARRHEA in a metaphoric sense.  no matter, you get the idea.  we’ve ALL been there.  ahem.

in high school, i remember being called “skinny” a lot.  i feared that people would think i had an eating disorder after learning about them from teen magazines (they might as well send you a manual, i mean really).  so what did i do?  i binged.  i ate voraciously.  and with great vigor.  i bragged about how much i could eat.  i was very lucky because at home my mom always cooked healthy, wholesome, balanced meals (thank you mom, you saved my life and future), but when not eating my mom’s cooking, it was BAD.  LOTS of BAD FOOD.  Pizza, doritos, cheetos, pasta, white bread, twix, fries, and COCA COLA.  good god i loved coca cola.  BUT — i was also in dance, cheerleading, diving, and an overall active young person, so of course — i stayed small.

fast forward to post college, move to LA.  now the metabolism is slowing, now the physical activity is totally irregular or at some points nonexistent.  now my mom isn’t cooking for me anymore.  now i’m starting to notice…

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YA FEEL?

hey you.

yeah.

you.

accept that it is your birthright to have a beautiful, fun, fullfilling life.

look for joy instead of disappointment.

be inspired by the things that you see in the world.

be inspired by things that affect you.

it is ok for you to feel those things.

it is OK for you to FEEL.

you need to.  for a reason.

that feeling is a message.  and it has nothing to do with this or that or him or her.  it has to do with you.  it is a clue to your innermost secrets and desires.  a clue to your true power.  these clues can help you unlock great powers and heal old wounds if you can just step back and see where they guide you.

sometimes we feel things and they don’t feel comfortable.  our minds race to give meaning to those feelings, grasping at the first object, person, or substance to project onto or escape with.  this is very damaging behavior to our own souls as well as to our relationships with others.  we think we’re “figuring out” those feelings, thus eliminating them, but in reality we’ve barely skimmed the surface.  and they’re still there.  and they’ll keep coming up.  maybe about something else next time.

look within your heart.  ask yourself WHY.

you owe it to yourself to understand what it is exactly you are afraid of so that you can overcome it.  use those clues.  that’s when you will know yourself.  and when you know yourself, you will attract everything and everyone best for you…

and all your fears will release.

most of you are probably like, “WTF is this bitch talking about?”  but i was inspired to write, and this is intended to be helpful and healing to any of you who connect with it.  for those of you who don’t…

well it is the internetz after all.

(honestly, i could keep going on, but then i’ll get all gooshy and sentimental about how much i love everyone like the fucking clean hippie i am.)  luv yous.

every day magic

“The meeting of two people is like the meeting of two chemical substances.  If anything happens, both are changed.”    – C. G. Jung

***

***

a feline interpretation was in order.  obvsly.

life change vehicle

it’s funny how in this business, EVERYTHING can change.  in.  just.  one.

instant.

this is something i can really feel where i am right now.  in this moment.

the last few years have been a build up.

it has been a time to learn.  absorb.  affect.

the biggest lesson was the most simple and yet sometimes the hardest.

i had to learn how to believe in myself.

see, it’s strange because i always did to an extent.  otherwise i wouldn’t have made my way to los angeles and started living this very unconventional and terrifyingly unstable lifestyle, which i only say unconventional and terrifying from the assumed perspective of other more conventional and stable individuals, because for me, this feels normal and i honestly welcome a constant flow of change and unpredictability.  i crave and relish it.

something new?

slurrrrrrrp.

but yes.  there were still layers of the cocoon that needed to be shed.  pieces of my transforming self waiting to be exposed.  and i’ve been purposefully, carefully, and lovingly peeling the layers back one by one…

this will be an ongoing process of course.  as is life.  the transformation will always continue into each new phase of my life.  but the lesson i had to learn for today, for this moment and for the rest of my life, was to believe unconditionally.  to trust.  and to enjoy every moment of getting here.  through all the hard times and all the successes.  each moment has been a building block forming my life and my future.  i’m so excited for all the possibilities.  both the ones i make and the ones that cross my path.

life is so beautiful in this sense.  it never ends and the possibilities are infinite.

i don’t have any specific news to share with you.  yet.  but in this moment, i celebrate my own private success.  because i got what i want.

my life has changed monumentally.

from within.

and i can’t stop smiling…

life is good.  life is sooo good.

photo by lee clower

meow wow

i got a preview of my photoshoot with lee clower and wooooo…

got me excited.

i can’t explain in words where i go when i shoot with lee.  it’s like a meditation.  it’s a uniting of souls.  we both see.

it’s amazing.

fun.

and sexy.

i get to tap into something that normally i hold very very close to me.  but the trust i have in lee allows me to reveal myself.  both in spirit and well…

you know.

so liberating and freeing.  i love it and always look forward to it so much.

love you lee.

so guess what.  from last year…xx