CutebutDeadly.net

understandings

oh hai.

yes, yes…i realize it’s been a while.

what’s changed, really?

EVERYTHING.

as usual, transformation is the name of the game peeps. not surprising to me anymore, as this IS the time. it’s now or never!!

are you noticing it as well? noticing yourself and the people around you making changes, or if not consciously making them, situations “occur” to cause a shift? if you presence yourself and pay attention to the world around you, patterns and synchronicities emerge. everywhere. major shifts in our lives and major shifts on the planet, in our bodies, in our hearts, all mirroring each other so synchronistically. it’s so fucking beautiful and amazing i can hardly stand it! i am really just using an old paradigm figure of speech, because not only can i stand it, i am just reveling in it. soaking it up, yum yum fucking YUM.

let me ask you: how good can YOU stand it?

obviously, if you saw my last post, you heard me go on about exploring raw cuisine, and the many positive effects it has had on my health and spirit. and i realize rather than label myself a raw foodist, i’ve evolved into an intuitive eater, where i generally prefer food with a high content of nutrition, and that subsists of fresh, organically grown food, the less treated the better, and ultimately balance is the key.

when i began this exploration, my intention was to cleanse my body of all the toxins we take in on a regular basis eating processed and conventionally grown foods. i am so so so so grateful for this book i found called Secrets of An Alkaline Body, written by Annie Jubb. she opened a restaurant called Lifefood Organic near my place in hollywood, and discovering it, her, and the book… well, it saved my life. i am completely serious when i say this.

whatever was brewing beneath the surface that i couldn’t see but could intuitively feel, that probably wouldn’t have caused any “serious” issues for many years still, was causing a lot of fear deep in my mind. the deep fear came from not knowing. and not knowing creates lack of ease (hello? dis-ease!). this fear over not knowing kept me re-living my old patterns, which would have surely lead to disease. that is, until i gave myself the gift of bringing the parts of me sinking into the dark back into light. literally. for me, this was through food. i brought in more light — light created by the synthesis of the sun and the earth and our plants — back into my physical body.

this is fucking LIFE FORCE.

by seeking knowledge, i discovered knowing. by exercising integrity and intentionally changing my old patterns, i created ease. which came from harnessing the light. and the light is… well… ready? God. Source. Creator. Is. Be. Am. Us. You. Me. Whateveryouwannacallexistence.

and it blew my heart open. ok ok, so you’ve heard this already yes?

so why is this coming up again?

well.

it has to do with a few sexy pictures that i’ve been hesitant to share.

HA!

this is certainly, by far, my most spiritual segue into sexy photos [to date].

but you see, this hesitancy to share is teaching me SOOOOO much about the whole process i’m going through discovering my true self. the photos are of course, from my annual summer shoot with my brother from another galaxy, lee clower. my connection with lee and the images we co-create is a channel for me to share an aspect of myself that i had kept in a pattern of hiding. it is an aspect innate within me — in fact, a gift — innate in all of us.

our sexuality.

the pure energy of creation. this energy is so beautiful, so amazing, so deep, so fucking fire engine yes solar flare yes more aliens yes bursting universal loving yes ecstasy yes YES YES YES!

and yet… we are told our whole lives no no no…

that energy is shameful. you shouldn’t share that. you’ll be judged. you’ll be exploited. you’ll be stripped of your dignity. and to add another layer to the mix, we are also taught that our bodies should be “perfect.” perfect? what’s perfect??? and as defined by who???

when i was still “toxic” i bought into a lot of the shame and guilt. i required spiritual assistance (aka my friend big Green) to bring me to a place even close to self-acceptance. and since we’ve already established that i pretty much tell you everything (i mean, sheesh, if you just read from the beginning, this blog is basically a map of patty yu’s journey to self discovery), i totally used that “assistance” for this shoot, taken only halfway into my “spiritual transformation.” i say halfway because i was consciously doing a lot of looking inward to “exorcise the demons” and making fantastic progress! but i was still recreating many of the same patterns.

and so, when i look at these photos, i am reminded of where i was then. i see in my eyes the pain of not knowing. and i see a body that i recognize as beautiful and sexy, but i know that it was mistreated, not fed for 2 days prior, because i felt out of control due to lack of any real knowledge about how to nourish it. i recognize the confused me in those photos and i remember her. and my hesitation to share is me pausing to feel through those memories.

the echos of fear. echos of shame. echos of guilt.

but i know something changed. for good. and therefore i release all my judgment and i honor her. for making that shift. to get her to me.

to now.

because now i live in bliss every day. now i see myself in the light.

and i appreciate, and cherish, and nourish, and love my self, like we all deserve to be loved. nourished. cherished. appreciated.

and for whatever reason i am compelled to just share all of this process. to perhaps illuminate the complexity of self-consciousness, and how that can manifest within the human mind. i share this information to assist in your transformation, should you seek it.

because i appreciate, and cherish, and nourish, and love YOU, like YOU deserve to be loved. nourished. cherished. appreciated.

i ruv yous.

whew!

now that was a lot of foreplay…

are you as curious as i am how the next shoot will go?

love you lee. i am so grateful to co-create with you.

<3

blame bashfulness

i think about writing in my blog every single day.  and yet i don’t.  obvsly.

please forgive me.

it’s not that i don’t have things to share.  i do.  tons in fact.  for example, it was my birthday on the 10th of december.  AND, i recently shot an episode of the show BONES in November, which suddenly had to be reshot on said birthday.  might sound like a bummer but it turned out to be exactly the steamy birthday gift from the universe i asked for.  wrapped in one easy package!  but what do you mean patty yu?

well kids, number one, patty yu asked for work.  check.  number two patty yu asked for some lovin on her birthday.  CHECK.

WHA???  yes.  that is correct.  see, it was an unseasonably warm week before my bday.  i was shooting the shit with the universe, you know, cracking jokes, making grand exclamations of gratitude, and just having a nice day together, when i teased that it’s my birthday in a few days and you know i want to ri-i-i-i-ide out.  i say teased, because the reality of this happening in patty yu’s life as we currently know it is slim to none (that’s if i want to keep my self respect, know what i’m sayin ladees?).  so i just kind of laughed it off and thought nothing of it.  taylor was there, she’ll tell you.

Out of nowhere, the 2nd AD on Bones calls and says we might have to reshoot on my bday.  holy crap.  my very first love scene on network TV (did i mention that?) and it had to be re-shot.  oy.  a few thoughts went through my mind.  did i not give them what they wanted?  everyone seemed so pleased and satisfied that first day.  what possibly went wrong?

in two words:  TOO.  SEXY.

damn.

sorry bout that.

i only did exactly what the director asked of me.  but here’s the little lesson in the business:  the producers enforce the censorship handbook in situations like these, and the FOX network is… well… you fill in the blank.  i have nothing bad to say about anyone.  there’s something for everyone in the world.  yada yada.

this is the part where i get to MY POINT:  even though everything seemed to be perfect that first day of shooting and i did everything asked of me, and the world seemed to be moving forward as usual after we finished, somehow i still managed to find myself on top of an attractive young actor on my birthday.

happy fucking birthday to me.

sure, he was married IRL and it was all pretend, but he was sweet, had great energy, was uber respectful, and there was no chance to take it too far.  HOW FREAKING PERFECT IS THAT???

thanks universe.  i know you got my back.  love ya lots.

maybe my periods of silence come in part because it’s slightly difficult to explain to ya’ll these circumstances, considering i always bring my pal U[niverse] into the convo (what is this bitch on you’re probably asking) and thus it all starts to seem a bit out there.

maybe the silence comes in part because i feel like i’m changing at light speed, especially now that i’ve been living so healthy and not making excuses anymore and being totally accountable for myself and all my decisions.  living the dream, instead of living in desire.

maybe the silence comes in part because i have a LOT to share.  my photoshoot with lee from this summer for example.  i’ve only shared a few images.  and there are more.  oh BOY are there more.  (i’ll be sure to explain my irrational complexes surrounding these images another time i promise.)

but when it really comes down to it… silly me…

i just feel kinda…

shy.

it makes no sense, i know, but that’s how i feel sometimes.  i am only human after all.

gulp.

well, now you know my weakness.

IT’S OVER.

kidding.

and here’s a photo.

oh shit!

happy birthday to YOU.

by my stargazing brother lee clower

pa(r)tty on

the last few months have been beautiful in so many ways.  so much happiness, love, and excitement in more than one avenue of my life.  this did not come without a few minor disappointments, maybe a major one too, but goddamn it if it wasn’t so much fucking fun.

the gifts i received:

my theatrical soul agent and already a like-family friend.

a magical chance to audition for, get to director’s session with, and be called for avail, on a HUGE studio sequel, based on the casting directors remembering my audition from 3 years ago.  wtf.  i love this town.

so now, with my little army in place, it’s time for me to bring it.  over and over and over again in every door that will accept me and never be upset if i don’t get something now and i will celebrate the shit out of all my near misses.  because they remember.

and when the right role comes, i’ll be prepared with all my heartmindsoul.

and then we’ll fucking party.

brother from another universe lee clower

life change vehicle

it’s funny how in this business, EVERYTHING can change.  in.  just.  one.

instant.

this is something i can really feel where i am right now.  in this moment.

the last few years have been a build up.

it has been a time to learn.  absorb.  affect.

the biggest lesson was the most simple and yet sometimes the hardest.

i had to learn how to believe in myself.

see, it’s strange because i always did to an extent.  otherwise i wouldn’t have made my way to los angeles and started living this very unconventional and terrifyingly unstable lifestyle, which i only say unconventional and terrifying from the assumed perspective of other more conventional and stable individuals, because for me, this feels normal and i honestly welcome a constant flow of change and unpredictability.  i crave and relish it.

something new?

slurrrrrrrp.

but yes.  there were still layers of the cocoon that needed to be shed.  pieces of my transforming self waiting to be exposed.  and i’ve been purposefully, carefully, and lovingly peeling the layers back one by one…

this will be an ongoing process of course.  as is life.  the transformation will always continue into each new phase of my life.  but the lesson i had to learn for today, for this moment and for the rest of my life, was to believe unconditionally.  to trust.  and to enjoy every moment of getting here.  through all the hard times and all the successes.  each moment has been a building block forming my life and my future.  i’m so excited for all the possibilities.  both the ones i make and the ones that cross my path.

life is so beautiful in this sense.  it never ends and the possibilities are infinite.

i don’t have any specific news to share with you.  yet.  but in this moment, i celebrate my own private success.  because i got what i want.

my life has changed monumentally.

from within.

and i can’t stop smiling…

life is good.  life is sooo good.

photo by lee clower

uh oh.

this.  is a preview.

photo by lee clower

meow wow

i got a preview of my photoshoot with lee clower and wooooo…

got me excited.

i can’t explain in words where i go when i shoot with lee.  it’s like a meditation.  it’s a uniting of souls.  we both see.

it’s amazing.

fun.

and sexy.

i get to tap into something that normally i hold very very close to me.  but the trust i have in lee allows me to reveal myself.  both in spirit and well…

you know.

so liberating and freeing.  i love it and always look forward to it so much.

love you lee.

so guess what.  from last year…xx

oh hai

guess who i’m shooting with this weekend?

mmhmm that’s right

expansion

when my world was small

i believed my first connections were so rare

and that love was almost impossible to find.

…

as my world grows bigger

i realize those connections are real and everywhere

and that i can love limitlessly.

squish

you know who took it

tempered egos

i was joking around with a friend yesterday — having some faux-competitive ego flexing — when he asked me what i wanted for stakes.

i was momentarily frozen, unable to think of something to wager, almost overwhelmed by the playful competition.  i proclaimed that i was sooo NOT really a competitive person, which lead him to ask, “how can you not be competitive?  you’re job is all about competition!”

and well, the answer is…i am actually competitive.  but, with myself.  i am always feeling like i need to do better.  to do more.  to do something nobody else has done.  however, when it comes to feeling competitive toward my actual, living, breathing competitors — the ones i see at auditions, that are reading for and being seen for the same roles as me — well, i learned that it doesn’t serve me the slightest to focus on them in that way.  to pin myself against them.

funny thing is, i used to do this.  back when i FIRST started, i used to go on IMDb and creep around all the other asian chicks in my age range to see what they’ve done, who they were repped by, how long they’ve been doing this.  and you know what?  it was awful for me.  it made me insecure and worried about what i DIDN’T have under my belt yet.  what I HADN’T accomplished.

the best thing i can do for my work is keep finding new outlets for expression and meeting people who inspire me.  it also truly helps to feel like i have an audience, so i thank all of ya’ll who follow this damn thing.  seriously.  if you wanna get interactive on this shit…i’d love to hear from ya.

inspire me.

another from lee clower of course.  a previous shoot…

btw, if you wanna click on MY IMDb, please feel free…