CutebutDeadly.net

forgive me

it’s been way too long since i’ve updated.  but as a distraction…

i have a few more photos from my shoot this past summer with lee clower i have yet to post.  some of them more risque actually.  part of me is afraid to post them up because… well… i know my mom looks at this thing hahaha.  at some point i’ll just have to say f*ck it, yes?  sorry mom.

i hope you all had a fantastic holiday.  the new year approaches and i feel it’s a good one coming…

all my love and gratitude for an amazing 2009 xoxo

updates soon…

for all the late bloomers

i put some zeppelin on last night while getting ready to meet a friend for drinks and had a flashback memory.

i’m maybe 14 or 15, chatting on aol with a boy i met in a chat room — one of the few ways i could connect with the world at large those days…the world outside my sheltered chinese household.

the boy i was chatting with loved zeppelin, therefore i loved this boy.  i was eager to indulge in my newly purchased classic rock selects from columbia house.  he told me his favorite song was the rain song.  i hadn’t listened to that one yet, so i scrambled to play it in my cd player, and shit…it was sooooo good.

i talked to him as if it was my longtime favorite.  as if i was cool enough to have discovered it through my ex hippie parents or some uber hip older sibling.  i was trying to claw my way into a different reality.  a different culture.  a counterculture.  something different.  anything different.  something that represented freedom.  something that represented expression.

i fantasized about having parents that played the beatles for me when i was small.  i pretended that i had grown up air guitaring to hendrix, singing joplin’s lyrics, or losing my mind to the grateful dead.  instead i bought them all for a penny, but only if i promised to purchase four more cds at full price.

i scavenged whatever information i could from Dazed and Confused, from my friends and their parents, from books, magazines, old yearbooks, thrift stores.  anything.  in college i faked what i could about the extent of my musical knowledge.  the who?  oh… The Who… erm, yeah…love em.  i listened faithfully to classic rock stations.  i watched documentaries about haight ashbury.  i saw phish.  i dropped acid.

i am a late bloomer.  it’s nobody’s fault.

now here i am, having started a career in the arts “late.”  shhhhhhhhhhit.

my birthday is approaching.  sometimes i trick myself into thinking that time is my enemy — that it’s something that could run out on me if i don’t hurry the fuck up.  here i am, looking like a baby, but knowing the truth and wondering if that will sabotage me.  aye.  in reality these thoughts are what sabotage.

all i can do is push harder and be as authentic as possible.  be true to myself.  love myself.  and never give up.

these days i truly appreciate the depth my upbringing gave me.  i am who i am because of my struggles.  i love that i come from another culture.  i love that i had something to fight for.

i am eternally grateful for all the opportunities that have come my way.  they are truly gifts.  i am so blessed.

to all you other late bloomers out there:  never give up.

never ever ever give up.

from my shoot this summer with lee clower

it’s not a competition, but

i think baxter is sexier.

from my shoot this summer with lee clower

meow

this photo makes me feel like Le Baxtard.

from my shoot this summer with lee clower

you should be _________ of yourself

from my shoot this summer with lee clower

vices

you can’t see it, but it’s there

from my shoot this summer with lee clower

Flex Yo Hustle Muscle

today was one of those days of runnin’ round — flexin’ that hustle muscle.  i finally had a commercial audition, which is great…haven’t had one in weeks.  and it seemed to go well!  i’ll keep you posted about that.

i also had my first hate comment on youtube about my video.  wow…sometimes people are just really aggro.  i don’t get it.  why waste that energy?  if you don’t like something, don’t watch it.  but some people like to hate i guess.  but i’m not going to remove it.  with all the good sometimes comes bad.  this is inevitable.  however, i will draw the line somewhere and if there is ever something that is absolutely disgustingly jarring to the soul, i will remove it.  somethings are never meant to be spread.  ever.

if ya’ll feel like going to my video on youtube and burying the guy’s ugly comment with nice happy comments about how much you laughed, those are the ones that really bring a huge smile to my face!

oh yeah.  and the picture for today.

photo:  lee clower

chemically balanced

this summer i had the great pleasure of working with my friend and photographer, lee clower.  lee and i met a few years ago to do a test shoot and enjoyed working with each other so much that it’s become an annual ritual.  working with him is a testament to the importance of good chemistry between a photographer and his/her subject.  with lee i feel 100% comfortable and trust him immensely, which allows me to tap into a part of me that is rarely revealed.  it’s actually… meditative to a degree, and few words are even spoken while we shoot.

the result:  me.  uncensored.  i leave you here with one from our recent shoot.  i’ll post a gallery on the photo page soon…