CutebutDeadly.net

every day magic

“The meeting of two people is like the meeting of two chemical substances.  If anything happens, both are changed.”    – C. G. Jung

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a feline interpretation was in order.  obvsly.

life change vehicle

it’s funny how in this business, EVERYTHING can change.  in.  just.  one.

instant.

this is something i can really feel where i am right now.  in this moment.

the last few years have been a build up.

it has been a time to learn.  absorb.  affect.

the biggest lesson was the most simple and yet sometimes the hardest.

i had to learn how to believe in myself.

see, it’s strange because i always did to an extent.  otherwise i wouldn’t have made my way to los angeles and started living this very unconventional and terrifyingly unstable lifestyle, which i only say unconventional and terrifying from the assumed perspective of other more conventional and stable individuals, because for me, this feels normal and i honestly welcome a constant flow of change and unpredictability.  i crave and relish it.

something new?

slurrrrrrrp.

but yes.  there were still layers of the cocoon that needed to be shed.  pieces of my transforming self waiting to be exposed.  and i’ve been purposefully, carefully, and lovingly peeling the layers back one by one…

this will be an ongoing process of course.  as is life.  the transformation will always continue into each new phase of my life.  but the lesson i had to learn for today, for this moment and for the rest of my life, was to believe unconditionally.  to trust.  and to enjoy every moment of getting here.  through all the hard times and all the successes.  each moment has been a building block forming my life and my future.  i’m so excited for all the possibilities.  both the ones i make and the ones that cross my path.

life is so beautiful in this sense.  it never ends and the possibilities are infinite.

i don’t have any specific news to share with you.  yet.  but in this moment, i celebrate my own private success.  because i got what i want.

my life has changed monumentally.

from within.

and i can’t stop smiling…

life is good.  life is sooo good.

photo by lee clower

out of mind, in of sight

sometimes i like to go a little nuts.

bonkers you might say.

it’s the best.  i mean come on.  there’s nothing like embracing the madness.  it’s fun magnifying those insanity pepper type thoughts that sometimes swim around up there.  why the eff not?

i spent much of my youth having to restrain myself in this regard.  my parents used to call me “wild.”  i think i sometimes scared them a bit.  they told me that girls didn’t act so wild and crazy like i did.  i realize there were a lot of factors that influenced their belief of my wildness, including, but not limited to:  my parents being first generation immigrants from taiwan; growing up with an older brother; moving and changing schools A LOT; and we musn’t forget – our best friend – SUGAR (a.k.a. “pure evil”).  i will touch on this sugar thing again in another post i think, but right now i will just leave it at pure evil.

now, you might be imagining me tearing through life like a little asian chucky or something.  but it wasn’t so much like that.  i loved being girly and graceful too.  i fell in love with the image of ballerinas before i can even remember.  the lessons started at age 3.  i loved it so much.  i was good.  i learned fast.  my teachers noticed.  my little 3 year old ego was pumped to be leader of the goslings in our Mother Goose recital.

i could be light.

i could be gentle.

i could be poised.

but most importantly, i could walk like a cat because cat paws are like ballet feet.

meow.

see, a part of me will always see some weird benefit like that.  cuz ballet brings us THAT much closer to becoming pure feline.

obviously.

what was my point?  oh right.  well, i think i might be going through a weird spell.  no wait.  it’s not a spell, more like a surge, or a spark.  or an electrical anomaly.  not sure.  regardless, it’s happening and i refuse to fight it.  how all of this energy will present itself, i don’t know, but some of it is bubbling over into silly videos with mah gurl TAY TAY.  we’ll see what else spews out too.  BEWARE!

so come on!  pop a pepper or two, and get weird with me.  or you can just watch me and tay being weird in our second PATTAY video (here’s the first one).

chickens.

expansion

when my world was small

i believed my first connections were so rare

and that love was almost impossible to find.

…

as my world grows bigger

i realize those connections are real and everywhere

and that i can love limitlessly.

waywt…still

what is the meaning of this?

Baxter is so A-list

http://www.photofunia.com

it’s so cliche to post a sexy pic

but this one is definitely a creamer

OH YEAH, btw, i booked that commercial.  shoots beginning of nov.  woohoo!

i dream of peeing

yesterday, on what was a perfectly crisp fall night, the subject of pee dreams came up.  and when i say it “came up,” i mean i drank a big glass of water to save myself from the death thirst right before bed and thought, “shit, i’m gonna have to pee in the middle of the night,” which was immediately followed by, “OooOOooo, but maybe i’ll have a pee dream!”

then i twittered it.

have you ever had one of those?  i don’t know about you, but mine are kind of fun.  they weren’t fun when i was four because i’d actually pee, but luckily i’ve grown out of that.  i think.

so my pee dreams as they’ve evolved over the years:

i’m dreaming.  i don’t know i’m dreaming.  i have to pee.  i have to pee really really really bad.

sometimes it’s normal — toilet.  sit.  pee.  maybe it’s a hotel room, or a restaurant…i dunno, but it’s fairly normal.

otherwise — and here’s where my psyche is fucked up — there’s some obstacle.  and when i say obstacle it’s something like all i have is a urinal, or it’s some gnarly toilet out of trainspotting, or worse:  a sink.  yes, a sink.  MY PSYCHE forces me to PEE IN A SINK in my dreams.

THANKS, subconscious.  thanks a whole flippin’ lot.

then here’s the other torturous part.  regardless of the venue, without fail i will pee and pee and pee and pee, and it’s kind of satisfying, but i’m always in a rush to finish, and there is just a neverending supply of piss.  somehow i’ll finish, zip up, and try to go back to doing something, and then I HAVE TO PEE AGAIN!  i have had up to FOUR PEES in one dream.  FINALLY i’ll wake the fuck up and stumble in the dark to go pee for real.  and it’ll be one of the best half asleep pees EVER.

as torturous as these dreams are, i’ve grown to love and appreciate them.  it’s like the ‘life’ my [sub]consciousness creates while my physical self is in storage mode.  my dream life you could say (disturbing).  or maybe it’s the complicated way my brain tells itself to wake up my body.  an experiential reminder [or illustration] of how to relieve my bursting bladder maybe?

i dunno.  but it’ll be fun until i become incontinent.  livin it up while i still can…OH YES.

baxter in a sink.  instead of pee.

Le Baxter

What i didn’t realize when naming Baxter, was that his grandmother would perpetually call him Bastard.  Good thing i used that one for the cat.