CutebutDeadly.net

me time

god’s tears

a beautiful moment at my cousin’s wedding that took place at the Japanese Garden in Van Nuys.

my mom jokes that on her wedding day, god was moved to tears.

and then she laughs like it’s the funniest joke ever.

I ain’t talkin’ bubble baths

i have been feeling stretched a little…so much going on.  mom, birthdays, weddings, parties, shows, friends, babies…so many people to see…friends i miss.  but  it’s making me crave some ‘ME’ time.  you know, like…a nice long day to myself where i do all kinds of weird shit around the house.  “clean.”  dance around.  rifle through old stuff.  take self portraits.  write.  make a video.

THAT is what i think i need to do.  make a goddamn video.  but jeez…of course i have to have the most complicated idea ever that will require a ton of production…which means i need to make some serious scrill.  let me just tell you, last year was rough.  who am i kidding?  i ain’t rich.  i am so lucky i worked as much as i did last year, but most of my commercial work will only air in asia = no residuals.  STILL…i booked more jobs in 2009 than any previous year, so I am incredibly grateful.  thank you, universe, i heart you.

but i’m bored.  restless.  ready to sink.  in.  my.  teeth.

2010, i feel you.  you feel good to me.  let’s play.

did ya feel?

some crazy energies were adrift the last few weeks.

enough to make me take a moody ass photo.

waywt…still

what is the meaning of this?

i’ve had a muse since the day i was born

the most beautiful woman i’ve ever known

sup sufu

luv yous guys

what is the meaning of this?

had an audition today.  the wardrobe was “nice casual.”  so…

next on today’s agenda:  meeting with an agent.  it’s like car shopping.

public private

dear family,

i’m sorry, but i’m not exactly modest.  except around you.

in the last few months i’ve become facebook “friends” with lots of family members.  as much as i tell myself not to censor anything i do, it’s hard not to when your aunts and uncles and baby cousins are all privy to seeing it.  not to mention my own mom and dad.  but hey, i’m a grown woman (i think?), and it’s my prerogative, yes?  still…i’ve disconnected my twitter and facebook so that the twitter folks get the first hit, and then i get selective on who gets to see it on facebook.  sure, i’m disclosing this information here, but whatever.  if people are coming to this blog without getting a nudge from me, then it’s they’re own damn fault if they see my ass.

photo by leigha hodnet

to hoard or not to hoard

once upon a time (or few), i visited Tokyo, Japan.  two of those times i had the pleasure of staying at the famed Park Hyatt.  fantastic.

everything about the park hyatt seemed perfect.  the rooms were understated but luxurious and attractive.  from the moment you step in you feel like royalty.  when you dial the front desk they answer, “hello miss yu.”  i felt special staying there.  it was an ideal vacation in a world far away from this place.  even the skin and hair products they offered in the rooms were awesome.  so of course, i tucked a few away to bring back home.  to use and pretend like i’m somewhere else.  pretend i’m far away again in a foreign land and that i could just step outside and quickly lose myself in the most wonderful way.

the last time i was there was over two years ago.  two days ago, i brought the shampoo and conditioner to the the ymca.  to my chagrin, the conditioner had turned.  i mean…how could i have been surprised???  two years later i use those tiny little cute bottles and expect them to miraculously stay fresh for me?  how could i be so foolish?  why didn’t i just use them sooner?  they smelled so good, i loved them so much, and so i waited and waited and waited in an attempt to savor the moment.

it was surely a lesson to be learned.  i’ve always had the tendency to save things.  ever since i was young.  i mean, i wasn’t some super privileged kid.  we didn’t own expensive things.  i wore generic keds and converse wannabes.  we wore taiwanese night market hand-me-downs my mother collected from older cousins when we went to visit.  so when i would get something nice in my hands, i couldn’t bear to use it.

i remember during my elementary school years, having this amazing set of crayola crayons with its own plastic carrying case, displaying a spectrum of waxy goodness in all it’s glory.  i remember carrying that thing around the house.  arranging, and rearranging.  making sure i most accurately aligned them to honor Roy G Biv.  i used them so sparingly — god forbid i had to sharpen one and fuck up the original shape.  and why?  so that i could be a kid who loved to color, but restrained myself so that i could tote this plastic case of crayolas around forever???  that is the saddest thing ever.

in recent years i’ve begun to simplify my life.  throw things away, or even better, donate them when i don’t use it.  hell, i’m bringing those little shampoo bottles i’ve collected from fancy hotels and using them at the gym.  ALL of them.  i didn’t listen to all those chinese fables teaching me philosophies of waste not want not and living in the moment, just to become an amateur hoarder.  seriously.

let go.  live.  stop holding on to meaningless objects.  these aren’t the most important things in life.  i know this.  i’m living this.  i have so much that doesn’t come in a tiny little bottle.  i’m filled with so much love every day for the people and experiences around me.  you can’t bottle that shit and you sure as hell can’t save it for later.  every single moment is a new reality to be relished.

enjoy things now, people.

enjoy the hell out of it.  slurp it up.  use stuff that is meant to used.

live.

parku hyatto

LA isn’t built for rain

but something in me sure was, and i’m enjoying every moment of it.  in fact, i bought rain boots yesterday because there were four more days of rain forecasted.  and then i probably won’t wear them again all year, but who friggin cares!

anyhow, that isn’t what i really wanted to talk about here today.  what do i want to talk about, you might ask?

relationships.

no.  not those kind of relationships.  i’m talking professional ones.

see, i was driving in the rain today after dropping off a submission to an agency that i am very interested in, and while blissing out to the millions of rain splatters being wiped over and over from the windshield, i started to draw comparisons between professional relationships between an agent and actor, to a more personal, intimate relationship.

what i concluded to myself was that previously, in my own experience, i was not in the right relationship.  and what i’ve learned about being in a wrong relationship — professional or personal — is that i end up losing myself.  slowly.  pieces of me.  little by little.  when i’m in the wrong relationship, i start to forget how to just be me.  and i start thinking i have to be what other people expect me to be.  not so much in a conscious way, but subconsciously over time.

it was horrible for me creatively.  i was so blocked.  i became so unsure about what i was doing and THAT is actor suicide.

let me be clear that i didn’t think these relationships were BAD relationships.  they just weren’t right.  for me.  the last year was such a blessing for me.  being freed from my old rep was the most inspiring thing they’ve ever done for me.  it allowed myself to come back.  to be me again.  it gave me the motivation to make my silly, fun video, and even start this website.  and the crazy thing is, this return-to-my-true-self seems to just beget more and more work.  people started coming to me with work this past year and i didn’t even have an agent.  i’m not sure when the last time was that i was so happy and productive.

to be fair to the people before, i wasn’t so happy or enlighted when i met them, so they didn’t get to see the real me then either.  so it’s nobody’s fault that it didn’t work out.  we all just needed to find ourselves, yes?

i guess THAT is a sign that i’m ready for a new relationship.  professional, that is.  and i’m very excited to find the right people who will fit.  just.  right.

so…wish me luck, ya’ll!

and enjoy this cuddle weather.

my #1 cuddle buddy watching sag screeners with me