CutebutDeadly.net

balance

no matter what the ups and downs of this business, i still love it.  i love every single risk, every single try.  every rejection humbling and useful to my spirit.  thank you so much for this.  i am so grateful to be here.

x

what girls are made of

so in a previous post i very briefly mentioned SUGAR.

i also called sugar PURE EVIL.

no.  i won’t take it back.

i’ve thought a lot about how i would approach this blog post — more thought than i ever put into writing these things (usually it’s what i like to call written diarrhea. . . cuz i thought you needed that image in your mind just now).

anyhow, i realized that this would probably also become a post on body image, cuz let’s face it, the two are related and i am not afraid to talk about all the RETARDED SHIT that goes on in my head sometimes regarding my own body, and let me tell you, this business certainly isn’t the most sympathetic in regards to that, and I happen to be in it.

so a little background:  my family is chinese.  which means growing up, adults encourage you to eat A LOT OF FUCKING FOOD.  and then if you get fat, they all make fun of you.  and you can’t get offended.

that really didn’t apply to me personally because i was such a skinny freaking kid growing up that i developed a really nice positive relationship with food.  as in, i ate a LOT of it.  i took pride in my ability to eat so much for being so petite.  pound for pound i could probably destroy ALL of you in an eating contest.  i also had a lot of, erm, tummy issues growing up.  notice i say “tummy issues” now, when earlier i had no problem writing DIARRHEA in a metaphoric sense.  no matter, you get the idea.  we’ve ALL been there.  ahem.

in high school, i remember being called “skinny” a lot.  i feared that people would think i had an eating disorder after learning about them from teen magazines (they might as well send you a manual, i mean really).  so what did i do?  i binged.  i ate voraciously.  and with great vigor.  i bragged about how much i could eat.  i was very lucky because at home my mom always cooked healthy, wholesome, balanced meals (thank you mom, you saved my life and future), but when not eating my mom’s cooking, it was BAD.  LOTS of BAD FOOD.  Pizza, doritos, cheetos, pasta, white bread, twix, fries, and COCA COLA.  good god i loved coca cola.  BUT — i was also in dance, cheerleading, diving, and an overall active young person, so of course — i stayed small.

fast forward to post college, move to LA.  now the metabolism is slowing, now the physical activity is totally irregular or at some points nonexistent.  now my mom isn’t cooking for me anymore.  now i’m starting to notice…

Continue Reading…

YA FEEL?

hey you.

yeah.

you.

accept that it is your birthright to have a beautiful, fun, fullfilling life.

look for joy instead of disappointment.

be inspired by the things that you see in the world.

be inspired by things that affect you.

it is ok for you to feel those things.

it is OK for you to FEEL.

you need to.  for a reason.

that feeling is a message.  and it has nothing to do with this or that or him or her.  it has to do with you.  it is a clue to your innermost secrets and desires.  a clue to your true power.  these clues can help you unlock great powers and heal old wounds if you can just step back and see where they guide you.

sometimes we feel things and they don’t feel comfortable.  our minds race to give meaning to those feelings, grasping at the first object, person, or substance to project onto or escape with.  this is very damaging behavior to our own souls as well as to our relationships with others.  we think we’re “figuring out” those feelings, thus eliminating them, but in reality we’ve barely skimmed the surface.  and they’re still there.  and they’ll keep coming up.  maybe about something else next time.

look within your heart.  ask yourself WHY.

you owe it to yourself to understand what it is exactly you are afraid of so that you can overcome it.  use those clues.  that’s when you will know yourself.  and when you know yourself, you will attract everything and everyone best for you…

and all your fears will release.

most of you are probably like, “WTF is this bitch talking about?”  but i was inspired to write, and this is intended to be helpful and healing to any of you who connect with it.  for those of you who don’t…

well it is the internetz after all.

(honestly, i could keep going on, but then i’ll get all gooshy and sentimental about how much i love everyone like the fucking clean hippie i am.)  luv yous.

life change vehicle

it’s funny how in this business, EVERYTHING can change.  in.  just.  one.

instant.

this is something i can really feel where i am right now.  in this moment.

the last few years have been a build up.

it has been a time to learn.  absorb.  affect.

the biggest lesson was the most simple and yet sometimes the hardest.

i had to learn how to believe in myself.

see, it’s strange because i always did to an extent.  otherwise i wouldn’t have made my way to los angeles and started living this very unconventional and terrifyingly unstable lifestyle, which i only say unconventional and terrifying from the assumed perspective of other more conventional and stable individuals, because for me, this feels normal and i honestly welcome a constant flow of change and unpredictability.  i crave and relish it.

something new?

slurrrrrrrp.

but yes.  there were still layers of the cocoon that needed to be shed.  pieces of my transforming self waiting to be exposed.  and i’ve been purposefully, carefully, and lovingly peeling the layers back one by one…

this will be an ongoing process of course.  as is life.  the transformation will always continue into each new phase of my life.  but the lesson i had to learn for today, for this moment and for the rest of my life, was to believe unconditionally.  to trust.  and to enjoy every moment of getting here.  through all the hard times and all the successes.  each moment has been a building block forming my life and my future.  i’m so excited for all the possibilities.  both the ones i make and the ones that cross my path.

life is so beautiful in this sense.  it never ends and the possibilities are infinite.

i don’t have any specific news to share with you.  yet.  but in this moment, i celebrate my own private success.  because i got what i want.

my life has changed monumentally.

from within.

and i can’t stop smiling…

life is good.  life is sooo good.

photo by lee clower

a traffic story

the end.

house sit

oh great, i’ve become one of those fucking hipstamatic users.

location:  casa de bustillos

lovesick

it’s been a while since i’ve actually journal-ed on here and it’s hard to say why.  i’ve been feeling very private.  maybe that’s not a terribly bad thing.

part of me wants to say i haven’t felt inspired.  but that isn’t true.  i’ve felt incredibly inspired.  in life.  the life out here — or more specifically out of here [the internets].

or have i?

this is probably very confusing to you, and i will do my best to explain.

i’ve been somewhat withdrawn from the [public] internet since i returned from Australia.  not intentionally, but i’ve noticed that i’m updating less often and “forgetting” to tweet etc.

however, i did start some new affairs and they are consuming so much of my brain/heart that perhaps this is why i’ve gone into hiding (lots of projects in the works fyi!).

thing is, i don’t want to update just for the sake of updating.  they say bloggers should update often to get the most traffic and adsense hits.  well, i don’t put ads on my page.  this is specifically for me to spew creative shit, let things off my chest, or for me to process experiences, so eff you blogger advice!  i’ll update when i want to update.  honestly, i don’t want my readers to have to navigate between ugly ads on my page.  i don’t want to manipulate ya’ll into clicking anything just so i make a few pennies.  my fortune will come through other avenues i know it.

but i guess i just don’t know how to share when i’m processing shit that’s very close to my heart.  can i really share that with the world?  i don’t mean to block you out of those experiences, but it’s not easy for me to share certain things.  but i’ll try.  i’ll try for you.

what i can assure you is that what’s going on with me is good.  scary.  fun.  beautiful…

gosh…what could that mean?

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expansion

when my world was small

i believed my first connections were so rare

and that love was almost impossible to find.

…

as my world grows bigger

i realize those connections are real and everywhere

and that i can love limitlessly.

i tried to be sad yesterday, and couldn’t.

sometimes i can be so selective about what i share on here.  other times one might consider my posts over-sharing.  i mean pee dreams?  those of you who love that post, i know you’re out there.

i’ve found the last several weeks a period of tremendous growth.  i have so many ideas and see so much potential in the world.  i can’t seem to put into words what i see, so i neglect to update my blog and all those other sharing tools.  it’s not that i forget.  actually i’m constantly wanting to share some news of success.  i forget that most people are more forgiving than i am myself.  some of my minor successes i write off, assuming you’d be bored of it.  another print job?  a commercial callback?  oh.  we already saw that before.

but it’s not you.  it’s me.  i’m the one who’s bored.  i’m the one who’s no longer impressed.  i want something new.

it’s time to level up.

is that why i’m running off to Australia?  to mingle with some new blood?  and maybe a koala or two?

funny though, i very well could book a commercial that makes me cut my trip to Australia short.  it’s actually very amusing to me, and i should just start buying insurance every time i book a flight because this has happened more than once before.

anyhow, one thing i do want to share in this awesomely random, awesomely boring blog, is that sometimes the universe reveals the very thing i’m asking for.  and it may not go exactly the way i want it to go, but i just have to trust that how it IS going will take me through all the steps needed to realize my vision.

i learned yesterday that i still have growing to do.

i am so lucky.  i am so happy.  i am so thankful for this lesson.

you have no idea what i’m talking about, but i promise that you will.

eventually.

gentle gangsta love

happy mother’s day to all the gentle gangsta moms out there!