CutebutDeadly.net

gentle gangsta love

happy mother’s day to all the gentle gangsta moms out there!

we just can’t helps ourselves sometimes

me and tay

maybe

fear.

such an interesting thing this fear feeling.  once upon a time, fear used to be a tool for our ancestors.  for them to learn and establish what was dangerous in the world.  fear helped to inform us and save lives.

so what about now?  now that we’re so rarely faced with clear, present, imminent danger, what does fear do?

well, i can only speak for myself, but sometimes it immobilizes.  it causes excessive rumination.  fear often becomes a mental concept, and it exists in varying degrees of my consciousness.  instead of fearing being attacked by a wild creature in the jungle, i fear that people will reject my ideas, or judge me.

each time this happens, i try to remind myself that what is really happening is that one of my other selves (oh yes, i have many – christ, why do you think i do what i do?) is still judging.  ME.  one of my selves that decided to be responsible for absorbing the world’s judgments along the way, sometimes turns on my other selves — who are inexplicably weird and expressive and just trying to have some fun.

it’s a bitch!

i’ve worked very hard over the years to overcome my fears and i am proud of where i’m at.  but it’s funny.  there’s still that inkling back there, that makes me hold back a little.

maybe it’s a good thing.  maybe it’s better that i don’t just put everything out there right away.  instead i sort of tease a little.  maybe it’s part of what makes all this sharing more exciting.  maybe i’ve found balance.

maybe all this pretense is just a way for me to be a little coy, so that when i drop a sexy photo, i don’t feel like a harlot.

maybe it’s no longer fear.   maybe i’ve just discovered my pace.  my boundaries.  and i decide when to push them.  maybe.  maybe.

maybe i should just share a goddamn photo already.

photo by leigha hodnet

rollerskating ain’t what it used to be

i miss you skateland usa.  the nachos.  the disco balls.  the couples skate.

a sneak look at an experimental shoot i did with friend Shawn Petersen.  more to come…

thanks to Moonlight Rollerway in glendale

you’re home baby sylvie

surrogate little sister i’m so proud of you.  you took a giant risk leaving seattle to brave new york by yourself.  i believe in you.
This is Seafloor .

fairweather

i find myself going through spells where i don’t want to share anything.  or i feel like i’m boring you.  maybe i’m just boring myself.

but, you.

funny…i feel like i have a relationship with you.  the collective you.  though small you are, you do play a role in my life now.  and so sometimes i’m very drawn to you, but then other times i pull away and avoid you, knowing very well that i’ll be drawn in again.  you’re like a lover.

sometimes when i’m really feeling it, i get more flirtatious.  i share a lot.  flash a little skin.

i woo you with funny/pretty/weird things i make or find, hoping you’ll be entertained, and unavoidably wanting you to appreciate my strange tastes.

then suddenly i’m bored.  i need something you can’t give me.  the tangible.  touch.  feeling.  intimacy.

and so i grow restless.  hungry.  and i stray…

i rendezvous with my other lovers.  some i see regularly, others i go months without seeing –

(sorry yoga – we have amazing physical chemistry, but i’m in hollywood and you’re in atwater, plus i started seeing the ymca…  but i miss you.  and you know at some point i need you to turn me out like you always do.  dayum.)

but without fail…

i do.  always.  come.  back.

to.

you.

because you.  you.  are a mystery.  i don’t know how to read you… so that excites me.  haha fuck, do i always need a challenge?

yes.  apparently i do.

so let’s dance shall we?

i’m feelin it.

right.

now.

photo by:  leigha hodnet

love friends

watch me answer some questions about friendship for the italians for their website called LOVEFRIENDS.  visit them at http://lvfrnds.com/ to watch more videos.  in italian.  mee-ow.  Ciao ciao ciao ciao…

Patty Yu from Love Friends on Vimeo.

ordering in

kiss me
      until
            i
              taste blood
           through
         my
      skin
    .




(2005)

tempered egos

i was joking around with a friend yesterday — having some faux-competitive ego flexing — when he asked me what i wanted for stakes.

i was momentarily frozen, unable to think of something to wager, almost overwhelmed by the playful competition.  i proclaimed that i was sooo NOT really a competitive person, which lead him to ask, “how can you not be competitive?  you’re job is all about competition!”

and well, the answer is…i am actually competitive.  but, with myself.  i am always feeling like i need to do better.  to do more.  to do something nobody else has done.  however, when it comes to feeling competitive toward my actual, living, breathing competitors — the ones i see at auditions, that are reading for and being seen for the same roles as me — well, i learned that it doesn’t serve me the slightest to focus on them in that way.  to pin myself against them.

funny thing is, i used to do this.  back when i FIRST started, i used to go on IMDb and creep around all the other asian chicks in my age range to see what they’ve done, who they were repped by, how long they’ve been doing this.  and you know what?  it was awful for me.  it made me insecure and worried about what i DIDN’T have under my belt yet.  what I HADN’T accomplished.

the best thing i can do for my work is keep finding new outlets for expression and meeting people who inspire me.  it also truly helps to feel like i have an audience, so i thank all of ya’ll who follow this damn thing.  seriously.  if you wanna get interactive on this shit…i’d love to hear from ya.

inspire me.

another from lee clower of course.  a previous shoot…

btw, if you wanna click on MY IMDb, please feel free…

me time