yes, yes…i realize it’s been a while.

what’s changed, really?

EVERYTHING.

as usual, transformation is the name of the game peeps. not surprising to me anymore, as this IS the time. it’s now or never!!

are you noticing it as well? noticing yourself and the people around you making changes, or if not consciously making them, situations “occur” to cause a shift? if you presence yourself and pay attention to the world around you, patterns and synchronicities emerge. everywhere. major shifts in our lives and major shifts on the planet, in our bodies, in our hearts, all mirroring each other so synchronistically. it’s so fucking beautiful and amazing i can hardly stand it! i am really just using an old paradigm figure of speech, because not only can i stand it, i am just reveling in it. soaking it up, yum yum fucking YUM.

let me ask you: how good can YOU stand it?

obviously, if you saw my last post, you heard me go on about exploring raw cuisine, and the many positive effects it has had on my health and spirit. and i realize rather than label myself a raw foodist, i’ve evolved into an intuitive eater, where i generally prefer food with a high content of nutrition, and that subsists of fresh, organically grown food, the less treated the better, and ultimately balance is the key.

when i began this exploration, my intention was to cleanse my body of all the toxins we take in on a regular basis eating processed and conventionally grown foods. i am so so so so grateful for this book i found called Secrets of An Alkaline Body, written by Annie Jubb. she opened a restaurant called Lifefood Organic near my place in hollywood, and discovering it, her, and the book… well, it saved my life. i am completely serious when i say this.

whatever was brewing beneath the surface that i couldn’t see but could intuitively feel, that probably wouldn’t have caused any “serious” issues for many years still, was causing a lot of fear deep in my mind. the deep fear came from not knowing. and not knowing creates lack of ease (hello? dis-ease!). this fear over not knowing kept me re-living my old patterns, which would have surely lead to disease. that is, until i gave myself the gift of bringing the parts of me sinking into the dark back into light. literally. for me, this was through food. i brought in more light — light created by the synthesis of the sun and the earth and our plants — back into my physical body.

this is fucking LIFE FORCE.

by seeking knowledge, i discovered knowing. by exercising integrity and intentionally changing my old patterns, i created ease. which came from harnessing the light. and the light is… well… ready? God. Source. Creator. Is. Be. Am. Us. You. Me. Whateveryouwannacallexistence.

and it blew my heart open. ok ok, so you’ve heard this already yes?

so why is this coming up again?

well.

it has to do with a few sexy pictures that i’ve been hesitant to share.

HA!

this is certainly, by far, my most spiritual segue into sexy photos [to date].

but you see, this hesitancy to share is teaching me SOOOOO much about the whole process i’m going through discovering my true self. the photos are of course, from my annual summer shoot with my brother from another galaxy, lee clower. my connection with lee and the images we co-create is a channel for me to share an aspect of myself that i had kept in a pattern of hiding. it is an aspect innate within me — in fact, a gift — innate in all of us.

our sexuality.

the pure energy of creation. this energy is so beautiful, so amazing, so deep, so fucking fire engine yes solar flare yes more aliens yes bursting universal loving yes ecstasy yes YES YES YES!

and yet… we are told our whole lives no no no…

that energy is shameful. you shouldn’t share that. you’ll be judged. you’ll be exploited. you’ll be stripped of your dignity. and to add another layer to the mix, we are also taught that our bodies should be “perfect.” perfect? what’s perfect??? and as defined by who???

when i was still “toxic” i bought into a lot of the shame and guilt. i required spiritual assistance (aka my friend big Green) to bring me to a place even close to self-acceptance. and since we’ve already established that i pretty much tell you everything (i mean, sheesh, if you just read from the beginning, this blog is basically a map of patty yu’s journey to self discovery), i totally used that “assistance” for this shoot, taken only halfway into my “spiritual transformation.” i say halfway because i was consciously doing a lot of looking inward to “exorcise the demons” and making fantastic progress! but i was still recreating many of the same patterns.

and so, when i look at these photos, i am reminded of where i was then. i see in my eyes the pain of not knowing. and i see a body that i recognize as beautiful and sexy, but i know that it was mistreated, not fed for 2 days prior, because i felt out of control due to lack of any real knowledge about how to nourish it. i recognize the confused me in those photos and i remember her. and my hesitation to share is me pausing to feel through those memories.

the echos of fear. echos of shame. echos of guilt.

but i know something changed. for good. and therefore i release all my judgment and i honor her. for making that shift. to get her to me.

to now.

because now i live in bliss every day. now i see myself in the light.

and i appreciate, and cherish, and nourish, and love my self, like we all deserve to be loved. nourished. cherished. appreciated.

and for whatever reason i am compelled to just share all of this process. to perhaps illuminate the complexity of self-consciousness, and how that can manifest within the human mind. i share this information to assist in your transformation, should you seek it.

because i appreciate, and cherish, and nourish, and love YOU, like YOU deserve to be loved. nourished. cherished. appreciated.

i ruv yous.

whew!

now that was a lot of foreplay…

are you as curious as i am how the next shoot will go?

love you lee. i am so grateful to co-create with you.

<3

lots of stuff in this first month of 2011…where do i begin? i suppose first of all, you should know i discovered that all this time since high school i’ve been typing incorrectly and losing the hearts of typographers everywhere by putting not one, but TWO spaces after each period of a sentence. not my fault! thanks, north carolina typing class teacher. needless to say, i will NOT be going back through my whole blog to correct this travesty.

DEAL, typographers.

next on the list: the episode of BONES that i appeared in aired last week. wohoo! t’was a non-speaking co-star, but i mentioned previously about having to reshoot the “love” scene because it was too sexy. apparently, sex — according to FOX network — does not involve any movement whatsoever. the first time we shot it i was specifically requested to rock wit u, but then the second time i was explicitly told, “less gyrating.”

MAKE UP YOUR MINDS, FOX.

anyhow, here’s a screen-capture — click it to watch the full episode on imdb:

this episode is written by an asian american writer and contains some content that miiight be construed as stereotyping…i dunno you tell me haha (i will play dumb for now). i found it humorous (don’t like to take everything too seriously ya know?), but perhaps it’s a way to start a dialogue. thoughts? i would love to know what ya’ll think after you watch it…

AND THEN the last order of business is…wait for it…

DRUNKEN CHEF!

my friends Courtney and Jose created a web series of that very title, and it stars Jose, as himself, as The Drunken Chef. they asked me to guest star in this episode and we had a grand time shooting it. i was already well off the sauce when we shot this, although the crew (and drunken chef himself) enjoyed some beers. i think it was equally fun just pretending.

enjoy…

this is happening to me.  over and over and over again.

complete transformation.

wtf [inthebestway].

it used to take so much time for me to change, and as i mentioned before, i seem to be changing faster and faster… at the speed of light.

even just a year ago i was still living in toxicity.  so much better than before, but still attached to a way of life that did not serve me one freaking bit.  alcohol?  binge eating?  exploiting myself?

however, through all the pain that i was not allowing myself to feel (with plenty of heavy medication of the herbal variety), my true self persevered.

i knew…

there are so many turning points i don’t even know how to begin listing them.  but the most influential step was my change in HEALTH.  this change began with removing toxic foods.  good GOD, i truly hope and wish for all people to realize how much eating toxic, non-organic, cooked denatured food FUCKS WITH YOU.  it fucks with ALL of your being — body, mind, spirit.  these are all so connected my loves.  i wish for all of you to feel liberated like i do.

it was no one person’s fault in my life that i was eating cooked, denatured foods as the staple.  habits are usually passed down from generation to generation.  through memes, society, and culture.  what American kid doesn’t like to chow down on some freakin’ pizza for example???  Oooh yum, a non-organic, gmo wheat crusted, hormone injected cheesy, sulfite infused meaty grease pancake?  MMMmmmmmMMmmm… can’t wait to feed that to my future kids!!!  i am baffled by parents who feed themselves so well, but then give in to their child’s demands for junk food.  who knows best here???

listen folks, i don’t mean to get all preachy up on a soap box or anything.  i just CARE ABOUT YOU.  soooo much!  and i hate seeing my fellow human beings suffering and in pain, just like i was a few years ago.  what i didn’t realize for so much of my life was that in actuality, i was severely malnourished.  and thing is, we don’t see what’s going on in our bodies, so sometimes we don’t always recognize what we feel in our bodies.

how did my lack of health manifest in my life then?  well… the best way i can explain is that i projected all that lack onto how i experienced my external environment.  bear with me, this might be confusing, but i was two versions of myself.  the internal experience of my life was mired in frustration, insecurity, anger, dependencies, jealousy, discomfort, dread, paranoia, possessiveness, fear, self loathing, judgment, dissatisfaction.  totally outta control.

people who know me would probably say, “what?  what do you mean?  we never see you like that.  you’re the most stable person i know!”  well, that’s what i thank all you people for.  everyone ELSE in my life (and by this i mean both the people within close proximity to my physical being AND every single human being on this freaking planet), gave me a grounding force for my true self — my true self that i could hold for others — loving, caring, helpful, steadfast, trustworthy, compassionate, seeing, knowing.  that is my true self.  this is always who i knew i am.

somehow i could hold that for others, but internally i was crying out so much inside with pain and not giving myself this love.  i became a serial [codependent] monogamist.  strings of codependent relationships (long and short) that both kept me from self-combustion but also still enabled my pain.  through the love i have for people i could maintain part of my best self for them when they needed me, but truthfully i still needed to be needed/wanted.  and because i wasn’t living my highest self, i wasn’t attracting others living their highest self either.  so in every relationship i created i was still clawing at ideals, knowing things weren’t right and trying to “fix” them, but not necessarily having the right tools.

whew.  this is heavy shit folks.  did i lose anyone there?

i’d say my transformation really kicked off years ago, with many ups and downs, lots of progress, and plenty of relapsing.  but in the last six months the change has been a whirlwind.  i was never a super heavy drinker, but alcohol fell away halfway through 2010 and i don’t see it coming back anytime soon.  there’s just no space for it anymore in my life.  what a waste of time really.  for me.  no judgment.

then the food choices really changed for good within the last six months as well.  i started eating only organic and mostly raw, living food.  nature’s best.

god’s candy.

the affect this has had on my body, mind, and soul is just extraordinary and fucking magical.  to be honest, the reason i started this shift in diet had many reasons based out of vanity.  the business i’m in puts a lot of pressure on women to be slim and i was having a difficult time controlling my intake of food (why?  I WAS MALNOURISHED!!!).  and yes.  i’ve gotten physically measurable results.  and i literally CURED my allergies.  they’re gone.  GONE.  not just lessened, reduced, or milder anymore.  they’ve completely DISAPPEARED.

but i’ve also gained so much more.

what i’ve now gained because of changing my diet is beyond anything i could have hoped.  i am seeing my real body for the first time in years.  i see myself exactly how i am.  there have been times in the past where i dropped weight and i still saw something else.  i was still dissatisfied.  always deficient in some way.

but now i see.  i see me.  cleansing my whole physical self freed up so much energy in my body that my mental and spiritual self healed as well.

how?  mentally i’m sharper than ever before.  and ravenous for new information.  this lead me to also give up the ganj, which was my medicine for a very long time.  again, it just seems a waste of time right now.  i’m enjoying clarity too much to fuzz that shit up.

and spiritually?

well.

where the fuck do i begin folks?  this is some seriously metaphysical shit that may need to be shared in another post because it will certainly take more than a few sentences.  but what i do want to say is that i remember as a child believing that i had super powers.

and often our innocent, pure children are the real harbingers of truth.

um… leaving it at that for now.

ok, i won’t leave you just with that.  but spiritually i’ve awoken to love.  truly loving myself and being able to give love to all.  i didn’t love myself before.  i wasn’t happy.  i didn’t enjoy life.  and now i do.  there’s so much love i don’t know what to do with it!  it’s just pouring out these days.  i love you all so much.  i’ve always felt the collective energy of my fellow human beings and there is just an overwhelming need for love in this world.  i love you so much.  so so much.  i promise to do everything in my power to show you true love.  there is nothing i want more in life than to find a way for you to feel true, unwavering, unconditional love.  i intend to do so and i know you’ll all join me as you awaken in spirit as well.  so much love.  so much love lying dormant within all you lovely little creatures.  meow yum.

we’re coming into an age where it is no longer about give or take, peeps.  instead it’s about give and receive.  because receiving is giving too.  giving and taking is just buying and you just can’t buy love.

love unconditionally and it will just come around back to you.  that is truly how it works people.

have a good look at yourself and love yourself.  love every part of you — the best and the worst.  release the guilt.  release the judgment.  release the shame.  release everything that doesn’t serve you.  they aren’t yours.  they never were yours.  and it’s not anyone’s fault.  everyone did the best they could with the tools they had.  our bodies are made up of a trail of generations before us, and it holds so much that isn’t us, but we can release it, with compassion being the number one tool.

harness this tool and you’ll unlock your own powers.  you’ll free yourself from the chains of the past.  you will cream your pants at how good it feels.

i promise.

love yous.

photo by tay tay

please forgive me.

it’s not that i don’t have things to share.  i do.  tons in fact.  for example, it was my birthday on the 10th of december.  AND, i recently shot an episode of the show BONES in November, which suddenly had to be reshot on said birthday.  might sound like a bummer but it turned out to be exactly the steamy birthday gift from the universe i asked for.  wrapped in one easy package!  but what do you mean patty yu?

well kids, number one, patty yu asked for work.  check.  number two patty yu asked for some lovin on her birthday.  CHECK.

WHA???  yes.  that is correct.  see, it was an unseasonably warm week before my bday.  i was shooting the shit with the universe, you know, cracking jokes, making grand exclamations of gratitude, and just having a nice day together, when i teased that it’s my birthday in a few days and you know i want to ri-i-i-i-ide out.  i say teased, because the reality of this happening in patty yu’s life as we currently know it is slim to none (that’s if i want to keep my self respect, know what i’m sayin ladees?).  so i just kind of laughed it off and thought nothing of it.  taylor was there, she’ll tell you.

Out of nowhere, the 2nd AD on Bones calls and says we might have to reshoot on my bday.  holy crap.  my very first love scene on network TV (did i mention that?) and it had to be re-shot.  oy.  a few thoughts went through my mind.  did i not give them what they wanted?  everyone seemed so pleased and satisfied that first day.  what possibly went wrong?

in two words:  TOO.  SEXY.

damn.

sorry bout that.

i only did exactly what the director asked of me.  but here’s the little lesson in the business:  the producers enforce the censorship handbook in situations like these, and the FOX network is… well… you fill in the blank.  i have nothing bad to say about anyone.  there’s something for everyone in the world.  yada yada.

this is the part where i get to MY POINT:  even though everything seemed to be perfect that first day of shooting and i did everything asked of me, and the world seemed to be moving forward as usual after we finished, somehow i still managed to find myself on top of an attractive young actor on my birthday.

happy fucking birthday to me.

sure, he was married IRL and it was all pretend, but he was sweet, had great energy, was uber respectful, and there was no chance to take it too far.  HOW FREAKING PERFECT IS THAT???

thanks universe.  i know you got my back.  love ya lots.

maybe my periods of silence come in part because it’s slightly difficult to explain to ya’ll these circumstances, considering i always bring my pal U[niverse] into the convo (what is this bitch on you’re probably asking) and thus it all starts to seem a bit out there.

maybe the silence comes in part because i feel like i’m changing at light speed, especially now that i’ve been living so healthy and not making excuses anymore and being totally accountable for myself and all my decisions.  living the dream, instead of living in desire.

maybe the silence comes in part because i have a LOT to share.  my photoshoot with lee from this summer for example.  i’ve only shared a few images.  and there are more.  oh BOY are there more.  (i’ll be sure to explain my irrational complexes surrounding these images another time i promise.)

but when it really comes down to it… silly me…

i just feel kinda…

shy.

it makes no sense, i know, but that’s how i feel sometimes.  i am only human after all.

gulp.

well, now you know my weakness.

IT’S OVER.

kidding.

and here’s a photo.

oh shit!

happy birthday to YOU.

by my stargazing brother lee clower

if you follow me on twitter or facebook, you have been privy to my barrage of various inspirational quotes of late.

how apropo carl, how apropo.

it’s true though, i have definitely been on an idealism binge.  this one is pretty serious.  i mean, i was always a super idealistic kid.  astrology will tell you it’s in my nature (sadge duh) and i have only ever continually validated that assumption throughout my life.  i mean look at what i’m setting out to do here.  it is an idealholic’s wet dream — cuz until you’re truly in it, this business makes no promises.  no promises at all.  not of fame and definitely not of fortune.

absolutely no guarantees except the one in my soul.

quote that motherfuckers!

my point is.  where do i draw a line?  sure, i am a hardcore idealism junkie at this point, but if i wasn’t i wouldn’t still be here chipping away and starting to see the budding fruits of my labor.  all my big dreams are the driving force behind so many of my actions, when otherwise i just wouldn’t care enough to try.  am i the only one here?  i guess you should know that my ideal vision is that of a long career based entirely from creative work.  i want to make life-long friends who inspire me, meet new people all the time, travel the world while doing it, and create fun, fulfilling, exciting projects, all the while spreading love and inspiration, and sharing what i have with the whole wide world.

is that so unrealistic???

yes, idealism is definitely like a drug sometimes.  i believe that at one point i abused idealism and i was so drunk and retarded on it that i thought things would just happen to me, and so maybe that meant i didn’t have to work so hard.  [maybe not so] coincidentally, that’s also when i was living a very i-don’t-give-a-fuck life where i would drink too much on a semi-regular basis, hold onto relationships that didn’t work, or even darker, walk a fine line between dating and being exploited.

[shudder]

ultimately that was by nobody but myself.

“Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.

ok, that one’s not jung, but it’s very relevant ok?  it was selfish.  all i was really doing was fueling my wussy addictions.  sure, i might not have been a coked out trainwreck, but the patterns that i was calling my “life” at the time were getting in the way of me actually doing anything REAL.  i was using.  whether it be substances (like alcohol or sugar), relationships, negative thought patterns, or self-sabotage, i was using those things to escape my responsibilities in creating the life i envision.  and that’s the difference.  when you use it correctly (medicinally?) idealism can be a tool used in actualizing your dreams.  the operative word being actualizing.  you cannot forge an acting [or any] career just based on dreaming alone.  you have to do a shit ton of work and when it comes to acting, much of that work is emotional and spiritual in nature.  you cannot be a miserable fuck and expect to get tons of acting roles NOT the part of “miserable fuck.”  it is just not possible.  at least not for me.  there are not slews of breakdowns calling for miserable fucking asian chicks, i can promise you that.

“Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darkness of other people. ” — Carl Jung

– and in an actor’s case, dealing with the darkness of characters you play.  see, there very well could be a role one day that calls for a miserable fuck, but what they don’t tell you is that usually, the actual miserable fuck doesn’t get the job and instead, the guy who gets it is that well balanced person who is able to access their inner miserable fuck because ultimately, nobody wants to hang around a real miserable fucking fuck.  YA FOLLOW?

SO, how do you become well balanced?

“There is no coming to consciousness without pain.” — Carl Jung

Oh, carl, you.  you’re right.  you’re always right!  It can be very painful to let go of things, emotions, patterns, and especially relationships.  but he’s right.  sometimes you have to let go of old attachments that no longer serve you (or worse, that enable toxic behavior) in order to progress to higher ground.  sigh.  C to the J you are the man.  if you were alive, i would sooo let you psychoanalyze the shit outta me.  HOT.

i recently stumbled upon this glorious page of quotes, after what was probably another late night psychoanalysis-based astrology bender, and i fell in lurrrrve.  carl speaks to me.  he describes all this shit that i had basically been going through on my own the last few years.  and since that fateful day, i have been quite quote-happy in hopes of inspiring others and to offer encouragement.  i see so much talent, creativity, and passion everyday from all kinds of people in all walks of life.  on the freaking internetz!  facepoo!  twatter!  i lurve youz!  it makes me so happy!!  ALL i want to do EVER is to encourage ya’ll to tap into your creative powers all the time!!!  together we can save the world!!!

oh silly sadge and her ideals.

and yes, carl, this means i do still heed your warning about idealism seriously, because the danger of living completely in the world of ideals is the risk of ending up being completely disconnected from the real world, never being happy with relationships, and/or missing out on the beauty of life that is happening in the HERE and NOW while chasing my idealistic dreams.  oh that and winding up alone and childless forever.  ouch.

so i am declaring my intention to fully awaken to the present, to enjoy life, and to always be grateful for what i have NOW.  and i encourage you to declare this intention as well.  the rest will follow.  i know this.  i trust this.

live this.

“Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart.  Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.” — C to the J

the gifts i received:

my theatrical soul agent and already a like-family friend.

a magical chance to audition for, get to director’s session with, and be called for avail, on a HUGE studio sequel, based on the casting directors remembering my audition from 3 years ago.  wtf.  i love this town.

so now, with my little army in place, it’s time for me to bring it.  over and over and over again in every door that will accept me and never be upset if i don’t get something now and i will celebrate the shit out of all my near misses.  because they remember.

and when the right role comes, i’ll be prepared with all my heartmindsoul.

and then we’ll fucking party.

brother from another universe lee clower

x

these words helped me today.

i freaking love life.  so many secret signs everywhere.  so excited, happy, and feeling really good.

oh, btw i got an email today that made me shake with excitement for 30 minutes life is that good.  funny thing is, it wasn’t even news.  yet.  obviously when it becomes news officially, i shall certainly share it with you.

oh, and some more photos from that little room shoot.

these two bad bitches at The Little Room Studio offered a deal through [my guilty pleasure] GROUPON and i took it.  glad i did.  love the shots and can’t wait to share more.

thank you so much, Eddie!

]]> http://cutebutdeadly.net/2010/09/um-herro/feed/ 0 http://cutebutdeadly.net/2010/09/yafeel/ http://cutebutdeadly.net/2010/09/yafeel/#comments Tue, 14 Sep 2010 06:12:14 +0000 admin http://cutebutdeadly.net/?p=1707 hey you.

yeah.

you.

accept that it is your birthright to have a beautiful, fun, fullfilling life.

look for joy instead of disappointment.

be inspired by the things that you see in the world.

be inspired by things that affect you.

it is ok for you to feel those things.

it is OK for you to FEEL.

you need to.  for a reason.

that feeling is a message.  and it has nothing to do with this or that or him or her.  it has to do with you.  it is a clue to your innermost secrets and desires.  a clue to your true power.  these clues can help you unlock great powers and heal old wounds if you can just step back and see where they guide you.

sometimes we feel things and they don’t feel comfortable.  our minds race to give meaning to those feelings, grasping at the first object, person, or substance to project onto or escape with.  this is very damaging behavior to our own souls as well as to our relationships with others.  we think we’re “figuring out” those feelings, thus eliminating them, but in reality we’ve barely skimmed the surface.  and they’re still there.  and they’ll keep coming up.  maybe about something else next time.

look within your heart.  ask yourself WHY.

you owe it to yourself to understand what it is exactly you are afraid of so that you can overcome it.  use those clues.  that’s when you will know yourself.  and when you know yourself, you will attract everything and everyone best for you…

and all your fears will release.

most of you are probably like, “WTF is this bitch talking about?”  but i was inspired to write, and this is intended to be helpful and healing to any of you who connect with it.  for those of you who don’t…

well it is the internetz after all.

(honestly, i could keep going on, but then i’ll get all gooshy and sentimental about how much i love everyone like the fucking clean hippie i am.)  luv yous.