CutebutDeadly.net

lovesick

it’s been a while since i’ve actually journal-ed on here and it’s hard to say why.  i’ve been feeling very private.  maybe that’s not a terribly bad thing.

part of me wants to say i haven’t felt inspired.  but that isn’t true.  i’ve felt incredibly inspired.  in life.  the life out here — or more specifically out of here [the internets].

or have i?

this is probably very confusing to you, and i will do my best to explain.

i’ve been somewhat withdrawn from the [public] internet since i returned from Australia.  not intentionally, but i’ve noticed that i’m updating less often and “forgetting” to tweet etc.

however, i did start some new affairs and they are consuming so much of my brain/heart that perhaps this is why i’ve gone into hiding (lots of projects in the works fyi!).

thing is, i don’t want to update just for the sake of updating.  they say bloggers should update often to get the most traffic and adsense hits.  well, i don’t put ads on my page.  this is specifically for me to spew creative shit, let things off my chest, or for me to process experiences, so eff you blogger advice!  i’ll update when i want to update.  honestly, i don’t want my readers to have to navigate between ugly ads on my page.  i don’t want to manipulate ya’ll into clicking anything just so i make a few pennies.  my fortune will come through other avenues i know it.

but i guess i just don’t know how to share when i’m processing shit that’s very close to my heart.  can i really share that with the world?  i don’t mean to block you out of those experiences, but it’s not easy for me to share certain things.  but i’ll try.  i’ll try for you.

what i can assure you is that what’s going on with me is good.  scary.  fun.  beautiful…

gosh…what could that mean?

Continue Reading…

recycle

a few weeks ago i posted a few photos from a shoot with my friend Shawn Petersen.

this is what he made with them.

oh hai

guess who i’m shooting with this weekend?

mmhmm that’s right

distant love affair

i’m having a bit of a tantrum right now.  maybe it’s silly, but tsk!

i don’t wanna!!!

i don’t want to go back to my [incredibly spoiled] life!!!

auditions?  yoga?  california cuisine?  bright summer sun?  what?  boriiiiing…

i just can’t be bothered right now.
what the fuck happened?

you goddamn australians, that’s what happened.  christ i’m in love.  i was so charmed…

completely swept.

i saw so much beauty in those 10 days.  beauty in the land.  beauty in the people.

don’t be jealous, los angeles.  you know i love you.  i do.  you let me in, you’ve been there for me.  you’ve provided for me and nourished me.  i feel you baby.

but i am lurrrrrrrrving australia right now, boy.  sprung.  to.  hell.

australia.  you are so open.  friendly.  funny.  warm.  beautiful.  modest.  charming.  real…

meow.

the land was intensely beautiful.  so much beauty.  so so much.  i fell in love every day i was there.

sigh…

focus.  must be a productive member of society.

so…photos.  i did the unthinkable and lost my camera right before leaving sydney. wtf!  but i took quite a lot of photos on my phone and they turned out surprisingly spectacular (i love my new iphone).  you won’t see a lot of sydney (whoever picked up my camera gets to see those), but fall in love with the country town Dungog like i did. it was so beautiful. i mean seriously, my eyes came everyday. i suppose i should also mention that our film Passengers got some great response! this trip was amazing. i met so many amazing people, saw films, drank coffee, slept in a bunk bed in a youth hostel haha…so much freakin’ fun i can’t take it.

le sigh….

i wanna go back meow.

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when my world was small

i believed my first connections were so rare

and that love was almost impossible to find.

…

as my world grows bigger

i realize those connections are real and everywhere

and that i can love limitlessly.

i tried to be sad yesterday, and couldn’t.

sometimes i can be so selective about what i share on here.  other times one might consider my posts over-sharing.  i mean pee dreams?  those of you who love that post, i know you’re out there.

i’ve found the last several weeks a period of tremendous growth.  i have so many ideas and see so much potential in the world.  i can’t seem to put into words what i see, so i neglect to update my blog and all those other sharing tools.  it’s not that i forget.  actually i’m constantly wanting to share some news of success.  i forget that most people are more forgiving than i am myself.  some of my minor successes i write off, assuming you’d be bored of it.  another print job?  a commercial callback?  oh.  we already saw that before.

but it’s not you.  it’s me.  i’m the one who’s bored.  i’m the one who’s no longer impressed.  i want something new.

it’s time to level up.

is that why i’m running off to Australia?  to mingle with some new blood?  and maybe a koala or two?

funny though, i very well could book a commercial that makes me cut my trip to Australia short.  it’s actually very amusing to me, and i should just start buying insurance every time i book a flight because this has happened more than once before.

anyhow, one thing i do want to share in this awesomely random, awesomely boring blog, is that sometimes the universe reveals the very thing i’m asking for.  and it may not go exactly the way i want it to go, but i just have to trust that how it IS going will take me through all the steps needed to realize my vision.

i learned yesterday that i still have growing to do.

i am so lucky.  i am so happy.  i am so thankful for this lesson.

you have no idea what i’m talking about, but i promise that you will.

eventually.

gentle gangsta love

happy mother’s day to all the gentle gangsta moms out there!

we just can’t helps ourselves sometimes

me and tay

maybe

fear.

such an interesting thing this fear feeling.  once upon a time, fear used to be a tool for our ancestors.  for them to learn and establish what was dangerous in the world.  fear helped to inform us and save lives.

so what about now?  now that we’re so rarely faced with clear, present, imminent danger, what does fear do?

well, i can only speak for myself, but sometimes it immobilizes.  it causes excessive rumination.  fear often becomes a mental concept, and it exists in varying degrees of my consciousness.  instead of fearing being attacked by a wild creature in the jungle, i fear that people will reject my ideas, or judge me.

each time this happens, i try to remind myself that what is really happening is that one of my other selves (oh yes, i have many – christ, why do you think i do what i do?) is still judging.  ME.  one of my selves that decided to be responsible for absorbing the world’s judgments along the way, sometimes turns on my other selves — who are inexplicably weird and expressive and just trying to have some fun.

it’s a bitch!

i’ve worked very hard over the years to overcome my fears and i am proud of where i’m at.  but it’s funny.  there’s still that inkling back there, that makes me hold back a little.

maybe it’s a good thing.  maybe it’s better that i don’t just put everything out there right away.  instead i sort of tease a little.  maybe it’s part of what makes all this sharing more exciting.  maybe i’ve found balance.

maybe all this pretense is just a way for me to be a little coy, so that when i drop a sexy photo, i don’t feel like a harlot.

maybe it’s no longer fear.   maybe i’ve just discovered my pace.  my boundaries.  and i decide when to push them.  maybe.  maybe.

maybe i should just share a goddamn photo already.

photo by leigha hodnet

rollerskating ain’t what it used to be

i miss you skateland usa.  the nachos.  the disco balls.  the couples skate.

a sneak look at an experimental shoot i did with friend Shawn Petersen.  more to come…

thanks to Moonlight Rollerway in glendale