Some years ago I had these two phrases tattooed to my forearms to remind me that I came here to die. Such a statement could be perceived as shocking but it’s true. I give thanks that somehow, through the fog of my once hyper-dulled and culturally medicated reality, my higher self revealed to me that the pain of death and transformation is inevitable in this realm. That I would not be able to avoid pain forever. That I could even learn to welcome pain as a teacher, and a sign of healing, growth, and evolution. My higher self also cultivated within my heart the understanding that suffering would be my choice if I wished to experience it. This mantra allowed me to dive into the pain I felt then, and rebirth myself into who I am now.
Come 2013…where I would experience pain again.
There is pain – the kind that makes you laugh at yourself for a silly bumped elbow. The kind that causes a slight gasp to escape from your lips. Or the kind that causes you to pour forth a combination of agony and ecstasy.
Then there is the kind of pain that stops you in your tracks. That makes you forget to breathe. A blinding pain that you feel through the infinite echoes of the Universe. The kind of pain that can send you momentarily to the other side just to wake you back up. WAKE UP! Stop. Breathe. This is the kind of pain that feels like a sure sign from the Universe to STOP. STOP what you are doing right NOW. Go no further until you have gotten to the ROOT of this…not later, but NOW.
Aye…I hear youniverse. I bow to you humbly now…please help me heal. I receive you in all your wisdom.
This healing path is often a confusing one…moments of rapture, ecstasy, bliss, mingling with momentary egoic certainty that there is some answer…some solution. Every time I feel certain about anything, the Universe gives me a reason to QUEST-ion again.
As I FEEL into pain…FEEL into my root connection with the Earth, I real-EYES I am feeling her. Momma I am feeling you. I am so sorry, please forgive me. Thank you, I love you. I am so grateful for this piece of you that you have kindly lent to me for this lifetime. This piece of you that I get to pilot and dance through the ether in the most magnificent grandest show of this lifetime upon lifetimes.
Thank you for showing me where I have been disconnected at my root…fearful. I thank you for inviting me to see what I was not letting myself see. I forgive myself and all. Thank you for the honor of giving me sight to see all that came before me, and all that will come after. I grieve for all the mothers lost on the journey. I give thanks for the ability to FEEL such grief and loss through this temporary experience of separation. I revel in the sweet bliss of agony. What a blessing it is to feel anything at all.
I also thank you for inviting me to feel into the depths of my third chakra storms…weathering the core of my existence in a full tantrum of rebirth stewing in the cauldron of my belly. My weakened armies of invisible soldiers finally standing up and demanding to be restored and replenished. Declaring WE ARE! Yes my darlings, we are and I AM! Proclaiming with determinism and force to change and heal in this NOW. I am sorry I neglected you and failed to provide what you need, severely limited by own stubborn mind. I now SEE…I’m here for you.
Thank you thank you thank you for the divine intelligence of the body, always doing its best at all times to serve our existence here on this Earth. Thank you thank you thank you for challenging me to step up to my highest choices…for me AND for momma Earth. I hear you. I honor you. I serve you. I serve US.
It has become quite abundantly clear that if I am to share my gifts with this world, that I must heal my root connection with the Earth. I also fully accept my role as a divine creator of my own reality…and I thank you for showing me that it all begins with my WILL. My CHOICE. My choices every day, every moment.
Life is oh so precious. I choose to honor this life always in all ways. Thank you for this magnificent experience. Blessed journey to us all.
Painting: Frida Kahlo
UPDATE: I have since began a healing journey from something called CANDIDA. Here is a video blog I made to describe my journey:
If you think you have candida (it is WAY more common than you might think) and you would like to know how I healed myself from candida, visit this link: http://bit.ly/12PeTD6.
but look what i’ve got for you after all these months!! i recently got to partake in a project spawned from the creative labs of ELEVATE as a response to a Will Ferrell parody of the video Dear Woman, a video based on the “Manifesto for Conscious Men,” which has gotten quite a number of hits on Youtube and has raised a bit of discussion amongst men and women alike regarding the dance of the masculine and feminine energies that lie within all of us. now, i won’t go into all that too deep this time around, but let’s just say a yin yang ain’t only the decal on your weed grinders folks. we’ll get back to that one.
and thing is, because this is a topic that isn’t right up at the top of every person’s consciousness, it’s easy to make mockery of such, which is exactly what Will Ferrell and friends did with this gem:
i was indeed judged today. yup. i got hacked. and you know what my punishment was? 24 hours without facebook. i’d say i did pretty good.
thanks GOD. love ya.
for real though i’m really thankful for today, ya know? it’s kind of amazing really. the download i keep getting is that it is a judgment day of sorts for the collective consciousness. even if we know deep in our hearts that the world isn’t going to physically end for the majority of humans today, many of us are weighing this day in our minds. both our conscious AND subconscious minds. did you know our subconscious minds process 400 billion bits of information per second while our conscious minds only process 40 bits per second? and because you can consciously control your conscious mind, you can know well and good that nothing crazy is gonna go down today. you can rationalize the hell out of it and be focused on all your other shit and know the day is just gonna continue as per usual etc., etc….
but your subconscious mind is processing ALLLLLL possibilities. which means there is deep deep within you, something that is saying, “yes, but what if…”
and that ‘what if’ is a beautiful thing.
because what IF the world WAS ending today? what if it was? this is not to be fatalistic at all people. no. it is…
maybe some people are only asking themselves in their subconscious minds and if you read this, then are encouraged to ask yourself consciously, but today… TODAY. today and the days that follow…
the question is:
was it all worth it?
i mean, isn’t that what facing our mortality all about?
judgment day. judgment day. i know my 3 dimensional reality will not end on this day. but what is ending, what has been ending for me through a whole process, is the restraint of my fully expressed self. these last few days i’ve heard the teeny tiny voices in there asking myself, “…ok. now… hypothetically speaking, let’s just say ‘what if.’ what if it did end… did i live my life fully? did i love fully? did i follow my dreams?”
and the answer?
yes. yes and yes. yes and yes and YESS!!!
and there is always room for more. let me repeat: there is always room for more.
more life. more dreams. more LOVE.
because all of that is infinite.
and i fully understand that i choose my path. that i can choose either suffering or i can choose love. this is the human condition. and for me, after years of digging deep into my heart to release all the stuff that was blocking love, i face myself today and i love what i see because all i see is love. i look into the world and all i see is love. i see every single human being and all i see is love. every single animal, every single plant, every single star, every single pixel of space. every single fractal of existence.
this beautiful beautiful beautiful hologram we call life.
i am so grateful.
i’m grateful for you for reading this and allowing me the opportunity to share. truly. creating this blog almost two years ago was therapy for me and knowing i had readers checking in from all over the world inspired me to live with the highest integrity, which is truly a healing healing gift and i thank you.
and i’m grateful i got hacked. i’m grateful i can’t sign into fb for another 12 hours and 59 min. not that i’m counting.
but the lockout gave me space to give the other outlets some lovin. if you follow my twitter or blog, you may have noticed i have been a bit negligent. but it’s only because i’ve been uber present in my non-digital life.
except for fb. find me suckas and let’s be friends. (Patty YUniverse) <— i know, i know. and i make zero apologies for my dorkdom.
the time finally came for me to vlog out. what kind of person does these things? these little vlog things?
i mean, rather than start another written post saying long it’s been since i’ve blogged blah blah blah blah blah, i decided to just talk it out. OH BOY did i talk it out. BEWARE. 10 minutes of yours truly and that’s after editing it down.
and well, not to reveal anything in there, but you’ve probably already read about some of the shifts i’ve been going through and all i wanna say to preface my video (if it resonates with you) is that every person will find a way that works for him or her, but the key to all things in life is intention, and i only encourage each and every single one of you on your path to full health and happiness. i’ve picked up a LOT of tools in the last year that i will continue to share.
my growth involved many transitions and phases, but the one specific thing i cannot stress enough to every single person who reads this is to go ORGANIC and only support sustainable, HUMANE farming practices. do it for your body, for your children, for your future, for OUR future.
also, if there was one thing i did not mention in my video that i would say now is:
Last week President Obama and Secretary Vilsack approved Monsanto’s GMO alfalfa despite overwhelming public protest. This move fundamentally undermines the organic industry, especially organic meat and dairy. In approving GMO alfalfa the Obama administration has caved to Monsanto and made it harder for family farmers to make a living and for consumers wanting to eat safe, healthy foods.
It was during your race for the presidency that i felt renewed hope in the future of our country. For the first time since seeing the world through the eyes of a naive little girl, I felt a renewed hope that we would together create a country that stands united for the betterment of mankind. I saw a glimmer of the future and I knew that you would be elected, and that you would be a beacon of light, who would inspire masses and bring forth great substantial change. I remember reassuring those who were still wrought with the old paradigm of fear that you would go on to lead us. I had unwavering faith.
When you came into office, I saw you and Michelle Obama as true examples of a new standard that all human beings should be held up to. Michelle’s leadership on the health front showed me it was possible that our leaders could truly care about the highest good of our citizens, rather than the pockets of the richest of rich.
When I learned about the Monsanto GMO alfalfa, the fear almost returned. I say almost because the fight isn’t over. But although I have no fear, much of that hope you once inspired was replaced with deep disappointment. Two years ago I would have NEVER imagined that your administration could possibly approve such a move. Perhaps that little girl in me, the idealistic dreamer, was unrealistic in believing that a historic president like you would be impervious to bending to the will of such powerhouses of control. I am saddened, and that little girl in me weeps for this fragment of broken dreams.
However, I want you to know that I believe the people will rise to the occasion. I believe that the people will vote with their dollars. I believe that we are the change we seek. Truly. Deeply. And while this plea to reverse your decision may fall on deaf ears, I am inspired and invigorated by the voice of the people who are standing up fearlessly for what is RIGHT. For what is in the best interest of the collective. And although this decision is a tremendous disappointment, it gives fuel to the movement and awakening of my fellow human beings. We refuse to be in chains and I promise that I will do everything in my power to help mankind, step by step, little by little, to free ourselves from the grasp of powers we did NOT choose in this lifetime. I do this for my parents. I do this for my future children. I do this for my neighbors. I do this for my country. I do this for my world. I do this for my planet. I do this for me. And I do this for you.
Thank you for what change you have brought into place so far. I encourage you to live fearlessly, President Obama. There is only now, and our purpose here is to live in truth.
lots of stuff in this first month of 2011…where do i begin? i suppose first of all, you should know i discovered that all this time since high school i’ve been typing incorrectly and losing the hearts of typographers everywhere by putting not one, but TWO spaces after each period of a sentence. not my fault! thanks, north carolina typing class teacher. needless to say, i will NOT be going back through my whole blog to correct this travesty.
next on the list: the episode of BONES that i appeared in aired last week. wohoo! t’was a non-speaking co-star, but i mentioned previously about having to reshoot the “love” scene because it was too sexy. apparently, sex — according to FOX network — does not involve any movement whatsoever. the first time we shot it i was specifically requested to rock wit u, but then the second time i was explicitly told, “less gyrating.”
MAKE UP YOUR MINDS, FOX.
anyhow, here’s a screen-capture — click it to watch the full episode on imdb:
this episode is written by an asian american writer and contains some content that miiight be construed as stereotyping…i dunno you tell me haha (i will play dumb for now). i found it humorous (don’t like to take everything too seriously ya know?), but perhaps it’s a way to start a dialogue. thoughts? i would love to know what ya’ll think after you watch it…
AND THEN the last order of business is…wait for it…
my friends Courtney and Jose created a web series of that very title, and it stars Jose, as himself, as The Drunken Chef. they asked me to guest star in this episode and we had a grand time shooting it. i was already well off the sauce when we shot this, although the crew (and drunken chef himself) enjoyed some beers. i think it was equally fun just pretending.
i used to make a lot of excuses. i admit it. there were lots. i didn’t realize how much at the time. i had excuses for when i would start eating right, start exercising, to take classes, to be creative, to drink water, to build my career, to examine my relationships, to heal relationships, to connect with my family, to go out with friends, to meet new people. christ, you name it, i’ve made an excuse to NOT do it at least one point in my life.
this doesn’t mean i NEVER did what i knew i had to do. i did. it just certainly took a while* even though i always knew in my heart who i could be.
i used to repeat my “story” as an excuse.
“Once upon a time… blah blah blah… and that’s how i got all fucked up in life, so that’s why i can’t be what you want me to be.”
ooh… that’s interesting. “what you want me to be… “ that just sort of slipped out, but it’s profound. why do we go through life thinking we need to be what others want us to be? Continue Reading…
i think about writing in my blog every single day. and yet i don’t. obvsly.
please forgive me.
it’s not that i don’t have things to share. i do. tons in fact. for example, it was my birthday on the 10th of december. AND, i recently shot an episode of the show BONES in November, which suddenly had to be reshot on said birthday. might sound like a bummer but it turned out to be exactly the steamy birthday gift from the universe i asked for. wrapped in one easy package! but what do you mean patty yu?
well kids, number one, patty yu asked for work. check. number two patty yu asked for some lovin on her birthday. CHECK.
WHA??? yes. that is correct. see, it was an unseasonably warm week before my bday. i was shooting the shit with the universe, you know, cracking jokes, making grand exclamations of gratitude, and just having a nice day together, when i teased that it’s my birthday in a few days and you know i want to ri-i-i-i-ide out. i say teased, because the reality of this happening in patty yu’s life as we currently know it is slim to none (that’s if i want to keep my self respect, know what i’m sayin ladees?). so i just kind of laughed it off and thought nothing of it. taylor was there, she’ll tell you.
Out of nowhere, the 2nd AD on Bones calls and says we might have to reshoot on my bday. holy crap. my very first love scene on network TV (did i mention that?) and it had to be re-shot. oy. a few thoughts went through my mind. did i not give them what they wanted? everyone seemed so pleased and satisfied that first day. what possibly went wrong?
in two words: TOO. SEXY.
sorry bout that.
i only did exactly what the director asked of me. but here’s the little lesson in the business: the producers enforce the censorship handbook in situations like these, and the FOX network is… well… you fill in the blank. i have nothing bad to say about anyone. there’s something for everyone in the world. yada yada.
this is the part where i get to MY POINT: even though everything seemed to be perfect that first day of shooting and i did everything asked of me, and the world seemed to be moving forward as usual after we finished, somehow i still managed to find myself on top of an attractive young actor on my birthday.
happy fucking birthday to me.
sure, he was married IRL and it was all pretend, but he was sweet, had great energy, was uber respectful, and there was no chance to take it too far. HOW FREAKING PERFECT IS THAT???
thanks universe. i know you got my back. love ya lots.
maybe my periods of silence come in part because it’s slightly difficult to explain to ya’ll these circumstances, considering i always bring my pal U[niverse] into the convo (what is this bitch on you’re probably asking) and thus it all starts to seem a bit out there.
maybe the silence comes in part because i feel like i’m changing at light speed, especially now that i’ve been living so healthy and not making excuses anymore and being totally accountable for myself and all my decisions. living the dream, instead of living in desire.
maybe the silence comes in part because i have a LOT to share. my photoshoot with lee from this summer for example. i’ve only shared a few images. and there are more. oh BOY are there more. (i’ll be sure to explain my irrational complexes surrounding these images another time i promise.)
but when it really comes down to it… silly me…
i just feel kinda…
it makes no sense, i know, but that’s how i feel sometimes. i am only human after all.
excessive as it’s become (as with all American EVERYTHING), it is one of my favorite times of the year.
well, for one, i can actually feel the surge of collective gratitude emanating around us.
thanksgiving is one of those holidays where, even though humans are scrambling and stressing to buy just the right things to complete just the right process to create just the right colon blockage, we are also insistently reminded to think of what we appreciate in our lives.
what we are thankful for.
wow. i mean you can feel it if you just slowed down a second.
we are so lucky, my fellow humans. we are SO SO SO SO SO freaking lucky. and did you know? when we take these moments to be grateful for all the wonderful gifts the universe brings us, whether it’s material success or personal challenges, if we all just start to see these as gifts, and we navigate through both the successes and challenges equally with grace and gratitude, then the universe will only bestow even more gifts to us.
call it God, call it Luck, call it Manifestation, call it whatever the flying fuck you want.
but i will tell you right now, withOUT gratitude and growth, there is little room created for abundance. let’s look at relationships for example. whenever one fuck feels taken for granted by another fuck, the first fuck starts to WITHHOLD. this is not a foreign concept to most of you, as you have probably all been in one or both of those roles (god knows this bitch has), so let’s all just be honest with ourselves.
anyhow, i’m not here to make anyone rehash old heartaches or any of that bullshit, i just want to remind ya’ll that we are all powerfully creative beings who CREATE our lives — our REALITIES. and in order to really live life fully, we really must learn to hold onto this feeling of gratitude and practice it every day.
take 60 seconds and close your eyes.
feel the beautiful, positive energy that connects us all today. do you feel it? do you feel the joy that’s been putting a hop and skip in the step of strangers all around you as you prepare for this day? FEEL IT. hug it. kiss it. hell, rub up on it, hump it, whatever you feel compelled to do to it — no judgement — it probably enjoys it as much as you do. but really feel it!
now imagine yourself harnessing that love with your heart and send that healing energy to all your friends, your loved ones, your babies, your animals, your bosses, your co-workers, your community, all the people you come in contact with today…
but even more importantly, send it out to the rest of the world, to our fellow human beings, to others who have much fewer material luxuries than we do, to others who are suffering from malnutrition, from hunger, from homelessness, from disease, and despair. take this moment to realize that we have so much.
we have SO MUCH.
i am so grateful for all my fellow human beings. i am so grateful to have a healthy, active mind that can visualize and see a future where humans understand that fighting serves no purpose anymore. i am so grateful for such amazing, beautiful diversity in our world that we share. i am so grateful to have the ability and opportunities to serve others, to help others, to encourage others. i am so grateful for all the challenges that life presents, and grateful for the opportunity to meet and overcome those challenges. i am so grateful for the ability to change and grow, this ability that is innate within all of us. every single one of us. i am grateful for every single human being in this world. every person, regardless of where you are on the path to self realization, whether you are still lost in the dark, living in the light, or walking the journey in between. i am so grateful for you. i am so grateful and i have so much love for every single one of you because you are me and i am you and without each other we would not exist.
i am so grateful. so so grateful. my heart just overflows with love for all of you.
today is so beautiful because there is so much of that love energy flowing. let’s remember to live in love every day my friends. imagine if we all loved each other this much every day, what that collective flow of love would feel like next thanksgiving. how much that field of energy will have grown. if we vowed to love this much everyday, imagine how many hearts we could heal. if we vowed to love this much everyday, imagine how the world would heal.
i imagine this everyday.
everyday i imagine this.
and my heart just continues to fill with love. and i realize that love is limitless. love is infinite. love is ever present and always there for you to tap into. love is so abundant that it will always overflow. all you need to do is feel it. it’s right here for you. it’s right here.
and if you are confused and you can’t feel it, it’s ok. and just know that i love you. i love you. i love you so much. i love you so so much. and i know that whatever challenge you face is one you have the ability to overcome. and i believe in you. i really do. there is so much love in my heart and it’s here for you.
so if anything, feel my heart. because i love you. unconditionally.