it’s been a while since i’ve actually journal-ed on here and it’s hard to say why. i’ve been feeling very private. maybe that’s not a terribly bad thing.
part of me wants to say i haven’t felt inspired. but that isn’t true. i’ve felt incredibly inspired. in life. the life out here — or more specifically out of here [the internets].
or have i?
this is probably very confusing to you, and i will do my best to explain.
i’ve been somewhat withdrawn from the [public] internet since i returned from Australia. not intentionally, but i’ve noticed that i’m updating less often and “forgetting” to tweet etc.
however, i did start some new affairs and they are consuming so much of my brain/heart that perhaps this is why i’ve gone into hiding (lots of projects in the works fyi!).
thing is, i don’t want to update just for the sake of updating. they say bloggers should update often to get the most traffic and adsense hits. well, i don’t put ads on my page. this is specifically for me to spew creative shit, let things off my chest, or for me to process experiences, so eff you blogger advice! i’ll update when i want to update. honestly, i don’t want my readers to have to navigate between ugly ads on my page. i don’t want to manipulate ya’ll into clicking anything just so i make a few pennies. my fortune will come through other avenues i know it.
but i guess i just don’t know how to share when i’m processing shit that’s very close to my heart. can i really share that with the world? i don’t mean to block you out of those experiences, but it’s not easy for me to share certain things. but i’ll try. i’ll try for you.
what i can assure you is that what’s going on with me is good. scary. fun. beautiful…
sometimes i can be so selective about what i share on here. other times one might consider my posts over-sharing. i mean pee dreams? those of you who love that post, i know you’re out there.
i’ve found the last several weeks a period of tremendous growth. i have so many ideas and see so much potential in the world. i can’t seem to put into words what i see, so i neglect to update my blog and all those other sharing tools. it’s not that i forget. actually i’m constantly wanting to share some news of success. i forget that most people are more forgiving than i am myself. some of my minor successes i write off, assuming you’d be bored of it. another print job? a commercial callback? oh. we already saw that before.
but it’s not you. it’s me. i’m the one who’s bored. i’m the one who’s no longer impressed. i want something new.
it’s time to level up.
is that why i’m running off to Australia? to mingle with some new blood? and maybe a koala or two?
funny though, i very well could book a commercial that makes me cut my trip to Australia short. it’s actually very amusing to me, and i should just start buying insurance every time i book a flight because this has happened more than once before.
anyhow, one thing i do want to share in this awesomely random, awesomely boring blog, is that sometimes the universe reveals the very thing i’m asking for. and it may not go exactly the way i want it to go, but i just have to trust that how it IS going will take me through all the steps needed to realize my vision.
i learned yesterday that i still have growing to do.
i am so lucky. i am so happy. i am so thankful for this lesson.
you have no idea what i’m talking about, but i promise that you will.
such an interesting thing this fear feeling. once upon a time, fear used to be a tool for our ancestors. for them to learn and establish what was dangerous in the world. fear helped to inform us and save lives.
so what about now? now that we’re so rarely faced with clear, present, imminent danger, what does fear do?
well, i can only speak for myself, but sometimes it immobilizes. it causes excessive rumination. fear often becomes a mental concept, and it exists in varying degrees of my consciousness. instead of fearing being attacked by a wild creature in the jungle, i fear that people will reject my ideas, or judge me.
each time this happens, i try to remind myself that what is really happening is that one of my other selves (oh yes, i have many – christ, why do you think i do what i do?) is still judging. ME. one of my selves that decided to be responsible for absorbing the world’s judgments along the way, sometimes turns on my other selves — who are inexplicably weird and expressive and just trying to have some fun.
it’s a bitch!
i’ve worked very hard over the years to overcome my fears and i am proud of where i’m at. but it’s funny. there’s still that inkling back there, that makes me hold back a little.
maybe it’s a good thing. maybe it’s better that i don’t just put everything out there right away. instead i sort of tease a little. maybe it’s part of what makes all this sharing more exciting. maybe i’ve found balance.
maybe all this pretense is just a way for me to be a little coy, so that when i drop a sexy photo, i don’t feel like a harlot.
maybe it’s no longer fear. maybe i’ve just discovered my pace. my boundaries. and i decide when to push them. maybe. maybe.
maybe i should just share a goddamn photo already.
just when i think life is getting drab, it pops a little excitement pill and sends me packing somewhere. how about that.
this morning i received a call from my rep and she says guess what you’re going to kansas city.
my first thought was…wait, which one was that? oh yeeaahh…
so, i guess i’m going to kansas city tomorrow.
it’s strange fun going on these out of town jobs all of a sudden. you unexpectedly get to go somewhere and meet some really cool, interesting people…i love that.
i’m a lucky girl.
catch ya when i get back…maybe i’ll give ya’ll the juicy details…
i find myself going through spells where i don’t want to share anything. or i feel like i’m boring you. maybe i’m just boring myself.
but, you.
funny…i feel like i have a relationship with you. the collective you. though small you are, you do play a role in my life now. and so sometimes i’m very drawn to you, but then other times i pull away and avoid you, knowing very well that i’ll be drawn in again. you’re like a lover.
sometimes when i’m really feeling it, i get more flirtatious. i share a lot. flash a little skin.
i woo you with funny/pretty/weird things i make or find, hoping you’ll be entertained, and unavoidably wanting you to appreciate my strange tastes.
then suddenly i’m bored. i need something you can’t give me. the tangible. touch. feeling. intimacy.
and so i grow restless. hungry. and i stray…
i rendezvous with my other lovers. some i see regularly, others i go months without seeing –
(sorry yoga – we have amazing physical chemistry, but i’m in hollywood and you’re in atwater, plus i started seeing the ymca… but i miss you. and you know at some point i need you to turn me out like you always do. dayum.)
but without fail…
i do. always. come. back.
to.
you.
because you. you. are a mystery. i don’t know how to read you… so that excites me. haha fuck, do i always need a challenge?
photo by 
