CutebutDeadly.net

balance

no matter what the ups and downs of this business, i still love it.  i love every single risk, every single try.  every rejection humbling and useful to my spirit.  thank you so much for this.  i am so grateful to be here.

x

there is no emergency

“Resist the temptation to yield to any sense of urgency.  There’s no emergency.  Your true direction will make itself known if you’re patient.  “

these words helped me today.

i freaking love life.  so many secret signs everywhere.  so excited, happy, and feeling really good.

oh, btw i got an email today that made me shake with excitement for 30 minutes life is that good.  funny thing is, it wasn’t even news.  yet.  obviously when it becomes news officially, i shall certainly share it with you.

oh, and some more photos from that little room shoot.

what girls are made of

so in a previous post i very briefly mentioned SUGAR.

i also called sugar PURE EVIL.

no.  i won’t take it back.

i’ve thought a lot about how i would approach this blog post — more thought than i ever put into writing these things (usually it’s what i like to call written diarrhea. . . cuz i thought you needed that image in your mind just now).

anyhow, i realized that this would probably also become a post on body image, cuz let’s face it, the two are related and i am not afraid to talk about all the RETARDED SHIT that goes on in my head sometimes regarding my own body, and let me tell you, this business certainly isn’t the most sympathetic in regards to that, and I happen to be in it.

so a little background:  my family is chinese.  which means growing up, adults encourage you to eat A LOT OF FUCKING FOOD.  and then if you get fat, they all make fun of you.  and you can’t get offended.

that really didn’t apply to me personally because i was such a skinny freaking kid growing up that i developed a really nice positive relationship with food.  as in, i ate a LOT of it.  i took pride in my ability to eat so much for being so petite.  pound for pound i could probably destroy ALL of you in an eating contest.  i also had a lot of, erm, tummy issues growing up.  notice i say “tummy issues” now, when earlier i had no problem writing DIARRHEA in a metaphoric sense.  no matter, you get the idea.  we’ve ALL been there.  ahem.

in high school, i remember being called “skinny” a lot.  i feared that people would think i had an eating disorder after learning about them from teen magazines (they might as well send you a manual, i mean really).  so what did i do?  i binged.  i ate voraciously.  and with great vigor.  i bragged about how much i could eat.  i was very lucky because at home my mom always cooked healthy, wholesome, balanced meals (thank you mom, you saved my life and future), but when not eating my mom’s cooking, it was BAD.  LOTS of BAD FOOD.  Pizza, doritos, cheetos, pasta, white bread, twix, fries, and COCA COLA.  good god i loved coca cola.  BUT — i was also in dance, cheerleading, diving, and an overall active young person, so of course — i stayed small.

fast forward to post college, move to LA.  now the metabolism is slowing, now the physical activity is totally irregular or at some points nonexistent.  now my mom isn’t cooking for me anymore.  now i’m starting to notice…

Continue Reading…

YA FEEL?

hey you.

yeah.

you.

accept that it is your birthright to have a beautiful, fun, fullfilling life.

look for joy instead of disappointment.

be inspired by the things that you see in the world.

be inspired by things that affect you.

it is ok for you to feel those things.

it is OK for you to FEEL.

you need to.  for a reason.

that feeling is a message.  and it has nothing to do with this or that or him or her.  it has to do with you.  it is a clue to your innermost secrets and desires.  a clue to your true power.  these clues can help you unlock great powers and heal old wounds if you can just step back and see where they guide you.

sometimes we feel things and they don’t feel comfortable.  our minds race to give meaning to those feelings, grasping at the first object, person, or substance to project onto or escape with.  this is very damaging behavior to our own souls as well as to our relationships with others.  we think we’re “figuring out” those feelings, thus eliminating them, but in reality we’ve barely skimmed the surface.  and they’re still there.  and they’ll keep coming up.  maybe about something else next time.

look within your heart.  ask yourself WHY.

you owe it to yourself to understand what it is exactly you are afraid of so that you can overcome it.  use those clues.  that’s when you will know yourself.  and when you know yourself, you will attract everything and everyone best for you…

and all your fears will release.

most of you are probably like, “WTF is this bitch talking about?”  but i was inspired to write, and this is intended to be helpful and healing to any of you who connect with it.  for those of you who don’t…

well it is the internetz after all.

(honestly, i could keep going on, but then i’ll get all gooshy and sentimental about how much i love everyone like the fucking clean hippie i am.)  luv yous.

every day magic

“The meeting of two people is like the meeting of two chemical substances.  If anything happens, both are changed.”    – C. G. Jung

***

***

a feline interpretation was in order.  obvsly.

life change vehicle

it’s funny how in this business, EVERYTHING can change.  in.  just.  one.

instant.

this is something i can really feel where i am right now.  in this moment.

the last few years have been a build up.

it has been a time to learn.  absorb.  affect.

the biggest lesson was the most simple and yet sometimes the hardest.

i had to learn how to believe in myself.

see, it’s strange because i always did to an extent.  otherwise i wouldn’t have made my way to los angeles and started living this very unconventional and terrifyingly unstable lifestyle, which i only say unconventional and terrifying from the assumed perspective of other more conventional and stable individuals, because for me, this feels normal and i honestly welcome a constant flow of change and unpredictability.  i crave and relish it.

something new?

slurrrrrrrp.

but yes.  there were still layers of the cocoon that needed to be shed.  pieces of my transforming self waiting to be exposed.  and i’ve been purposefully, carefully, and lovingly peeling the layers back one by one…

this will be an ongoing process of course.  as is life.  the transformation will always continue into each new phase of my life.  but the lesson i had to learn for today, for this moment and for the rest of my life, was to believe unconditionally.  to trust.  and to enjoy every moment of getting here.  through all the hard times and all the successes.  each moment has been a building block forming my life and my future.  i’m so excited for all the possibilities.  both the ones i make and the ones that cross my path.

life is so beautiful in this sense.  it never ends and the possibilities are infinite.

i don’t have any specific news to share with you.  yet.  but in this moment, i celebrate my own private success.  because i got what i want.

my life has changed monumentally.

from within.

and i can’t stop smiling…

life is good.  life is sooo good.

photo by lee clower

god’s candy

let’s all just be thankful for a minute

just like you are

i had a fantastic meeting today.

but since my dear john letter is still otw to the other peeps, i’ll give details later.

however, i left the mtg with instructions to take some photos “just as i was.”

and so i did.

and these are a few of those photos.

out of mind, in of sight

sometimes i like to go a little nuts.

bonkers you might say.

it’s the best.  i mean come on.  there’s nothing like embracing the madness.  it’s fun magnifying those insanity pepper type thoughts that sometimes swim around up there.  why the eff not?

i spent much of my youth having to restrain myself in this regard.  my parents used to call me “wild.”  i think i sometimes scared them a bit.  they told me that girls didn’t act so wild and crazy like i did.  i realize there were a lot of factors that influenced their belief of my wildness, including, but not limited to:  my parents being first generation immigrants from taiwan; growing up with an older brother; moving and changing schools A LOT; and we musn’t forget – our best friend – SUGAR (a.k.a. “pure evil”).  i will touch on this sugar thing again in another post i think, but right now i will just leave it at pure evil.

now, you might be imagining me tearing through life like a little asian chucky or something.  but it wasn’t so much like that.  i loved being girly and graceful too.  i fell in love with the image of ballerinas before i can even remember.  the lessons started at age 3.  i loved it so much.  i was good.  i learned fast.  my teachers noticed.  my little 3 year old ego was pumped to be leader of the goslings in our Mother Goose recital.

i could be light.

i could be gentle.

i could be poised.

but most importantly, i could walk like a cat because cat paws are like ballet feet.

meow.

see, a part of me will always see some weird benefit like that.  cuz ballet brings us THAT much closer to becoming pure feline.

obviously.

what was my point?  oh right.  well, i think i might be going through a weird spell.  no wait.  it’s not a spell, more like a surge, or a spark.  or an electrical anomaly.  not sure.  regardless, it’s happening and i refuse to fight it.  how all of this energy will present itself, i don’t know, but some of it is bubbling over into silly videos with mah gurl TAY TAY.  we’ll see what else spews out too.  BEWARE!

so come on!  pop a pepper or two, and get weird with me.  or you can just watch me and tay being weird in our second PATTAY video (here’s the first one).

chickens.

PATTAY: thoughts on life

if you thought we were weird before…