i was indeed judged today. yup. i got hacked. and you know what my punishment was? 24 hours without facebook. i’d say i did pretty good.
thanks GOD. love ya.
for real though i’m really thankful for today, ya know? it’s kind of amazing really. the download i keep getting is that it is a judgment day of sorts for the collective consciousness. even if we know deep in our hearts that the world isn’t going to physically end for the majority of humans today, many of us are weighing this day in our minds. both our conscious AND subconscious minds. did you know our subconscious minds process 400 billion bits of information per second while our conscious minds only process 40 bits per second? and because you can consciously control your conscious mind, you can know well and good that nothing crazy is gonna go down today. you can rationalize the hell out of it and be focused on all your other shit and know the day is just gonna continue as per usual etc., etc….
but your subconscious mind is processing ALLLLLL possibilities. which means there is deep deep within you, something that is saying, “yes, but what if…”
and that ‘what if’ is a beautiful thing.
because what IF the world WAS ending today? what if it was? this is not to be fatalistic at all people. no. it is…
maybe some people are only asking themselves in their subconscious minds and if you read this, then are encouraged to ask yourself consciously, but today… TODAY. today and the days that follow…
the question is:
was it all worth it?
i mean, isn’t that what facing our mortality all about?
judgment day. judgment day. i know my 3 dimensional reality will not end on this day. but what is ending, what has been ending for me through a whole process, is the restraint of my fully expressed self. these last few days i’ve heard the teeny tiny voices in there asking myself, “…ok. now… hypothetically speaking, let’s just say ‘what if.’ what if it did end… did i live my life fully? did i love fully? did i follow my dreams?”
and the answer?
yes. yes and yes. yes and yes and YESS!!!
and there is always room for more. let me repeat: there is always room for more.
more life. more dreams. more LOVE.
because all of that is infinite.
and i fully understand that i choose my path. that i can choose either suffering or i can choose love. this is the human condition. and for me, after years of digging deep into my heart to release all the stuff that was blocking love, i face myself today and i love what i see because all i see is love. i look into the world and all i see is love. i see every single human being and all i see is love. every single animal, every single plant, every single star, every single pixel of space. every single fractal of existence.
this beautiful beautiful beautiful hologram we call life.
i am so grateful.
i’m grateful for you for reading this and allowing me the opportunity to share. truly. creating this blog almost two years ago was therapy for me and knowing i had readers checking in from all over the world inspired me to live with the highest integrity, which is truly a healing healing gift and i thank you.
and i’m grateful i got hacked. i’m grateful i can’t sign into fb for another 12 hours and 59 min. not that i’m counting.
but the lockout gave me space to give the other outlets some lovin. if you follow my twitter or blog, you may have noticed i have been a bit negligent. but it’s only because i’ve been uber present in my non-digital life.
except for fb. find me suckas and let’s be friends. (Patty YUniverse) <— i know, i know. and i make zero apologies for my dorkdom.
lots of stuff in this first month of 2011…where do i begin? i suppose first of all, you should know i discovered that all this time since high school i’ve been typing incorrectly and losing the hearts of typographers everywhere by putting not one, but TWO spaces after each period of a sentence. not my fault! thanks, north carolina typing class teacher. needless to say, i will NOT be going back through my whole blog to correct this travesty.
next on the list: the episode of BONES that i appeared in aired last week. wohoo! t’was a non-speaking co-star, but i mentioned previously about having to reshoot the “love” scene because it was too sexy. apparently, sex — according to FOX network — does not involve any movement whatsoever. the first time we shot it i was specifically requested to rock wit u, but then the second time i was explicitly told, “less gyrating.”
MAKE UP YOUR MINDS, FOX.
anyhow, here’s a screen-capture — click it to watch the full episode on imdb:
this episode is written by an asian american writer and contains some content that miiight be construed as stereotyping…i dunno you tell me haha (i will play dumb for now). i found it humorous (don’t like to take everything too seriously ya know?), but perhaps it’s a way to start a dialogue. thoughts? i would love to know what ya’ll think after you watch it…
AND THEN the last order of business is…wait for it…
my friends Courtney and Jose created a web series of that very title, and it stars Jose, as himself, as The Drunken Chef. they asked me to guest star in this episode and we had a grand time shooting it. i was already well off the sauce when we shot this, although the crew (and drunken chef himself) enjoyed some beers. i think it was equally fun just pretending.
“Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol or morphine or idealism.” — Carl Jung
if you follow me on twitter or facebook, you have been privy to my barrage of various inspirational quotes of late.
how apropo carl, how apropo.
it’s true though, i have definitely been on an idealism binge. this one is pretty serious. i mean, i was always a super idealistic kid. astrology will tell you it’s in my nature (sadge duh) and i have only ever continually validated that assumption throughout my life. i mean look at what i’m setting out to do here. it is an idealholic’s wet dream — cuz until you’re truly in it, this business makes no promises. no promises at all. not of fame and definitely not of fortune.
absolutely no guarantees except the one in my soul.
“Resist the temptation to yield to any sense of urgency. There’s no emergency. Your true direction will make itself known if you’re patient. “
these words helped me today.
i freaking love life. so many secret signs everywhere. so excited, happy, and feeling really good.
oh, btw i got an email today that made me shake with excitement for 30 minutes life is that good. funny thing is, it wasn’t even news. yet. obviously when it becomes news officially, i shall certainly share it with you.
accept that it is your birthright to have a beautiful, fun, fullfilling life.
look for joy instead of disappointment.
be inspired by the things that you see in the world.
be inspired by things that affect you.
it is ok for you to feel those things.
it is OK for you to FEEL.
you need to. for a reason.
that feeling is a message. and it has nothing to do with this or that or him or her. it has to do with you. it is a clue to your innermost secrets and desires. a clue to your true power. these clues can help you unlock great powers and heal old wounds if you can just step back and see where they guide you.
sometimes we feel things and they don’t feel comfortable. our minds race to give meaning to those feelings, grasping at the first object, person, or substance to project onto or escape with. this is very damaging behavior to our own souls as well as to our relationships with others. we think we’re “figuring out” those feelings, thus eliminating them, but in reality we’ve barely skimmed the surface. and they’re still there. and they’ll keep coming up. maybe about something else next time.
look within your heart. ask yourself WHY.
you owe it to yourself to understand what it is exactly you are afraid of so that you can overcome it. use those clues. that’s when you will know yourself. and when you know yourself, you will attract everything and everyone best for you…
and all your fears will release.
most of you are probably like, “WTF is this bitch talking about?” but i was inspired to write, and this is intended to be helpful and healing to any of you who connect with it. for those of you who don’t…
well it is the internetz after all.
(honestly, i could keep going on, but then i’ll get all gooshy and sentimental about how much i love everyone like the fucking clean hippie i am.) luv yous.
it’s funny how in this business, EVERYTHING can change. in. just. one.
this is something i can really feel where i am right now. in this moment.
the last few years have been a build up.
it has been a time to learn. absorb. affect.
the biggest lesson was the most simple and yet sometimes the hardest.
i had to learn how to believe in myself.
see, it’s strange because i always did to an extent. otherwise i wouldn’t have made my way to los angeles and started living this very unconventional and terrifyingly unstable lifestyle, which i only say unconventional and terrifying from the assumed perspective of other more conventional and stable individuals, because for me, this feels normal and i honestly welcome a constant flow of change and unpredictability. i crave and relish it.
but yes. there were still layers of the cocoon that needed to be shed. pieces of my transforming self waiting to be exposed. and i’ve been purposefully, carefully, and lovingly peeling the layers back one by one…
this will be an ongoing process of course. as is life. the transformation will always continue into each new phase of my life. but the lesson i had to learn for today, for this moment and for the rest of my life, was to believe unconditionally. to trust. and to enjoy every moment of getting here. through all the hard times and all the successes. each moment has been a building block forming my life and my future. i’m so excited for all the possibilities. both the ones i make and the ones that cross my path.
life is so beautiful in this sense. it never ends and the possibilities are infinite.
i don’t have any specific news to share with you. yet. but in this moment, i celebrate my own private success. because i got what i want.
it’s the best. i mean come on. there’s nothing like embracing the madness. it’s fun magnifying those insanity pepper type thoughts that sometimes swim around up there. why the eff not?
i spent much of my youth having to restrain myself in this regard. my parents used to call me “wild.” i think i sometimes scared them a bit. they told me that girls didn’t act so wild and crazy like i did. i realize there were a lot of factors that influenced their belief of my wildness, including, but not limited to: my parents being first generation immigrants from taiwan; growing up with an older brother; moving and changing schools A LOT; and we musn’t forget – our best friend – SUGAR (a.k.a. “pure evil”). i will touch on this sugar thing again in another post i think, but right now i will just leave it at pure evil.
now, you might be imagining me tearing through life like a little asian chucky or something. but it wasn’t so much like that. i loved being girly and graceful too. i fell in love with the image of ballerinas before i can even remember. the lessons started at age 3. i loved it so much. i was good. i learned fast. my teachers noticed. my little 3 year old ego was pumped to be leader of the goslings in our Mother Goose recital.
i could be light.
i could be gentle.
i could be poised.
but most importantly, i could walk like a cat because cat paws are like ballet feet.
see, a part of me will always see some weird benefit like that. cuz ballet brings us THAT much closer to becoming pure feline.
what was my point? oh right. well, i think i might be going through a weird spell. no wait. it’s not a spell, more like a surge, or a spark. or an electrical anomaly. not sure. regardless, it’s happening and i refuse to fight it. how all of this energy will present itself, i don’t know, but some of it is bubbling over into silly videos with mah gurl TAY TAY. we’ll see what else spews out too. BEWARE!
so come on! pop a pepper or two, and get weird with me. or you can just watch me and tay being weird in our second PATTAY video (here’s the first one).