“The meeting of two people is like the meeting of two chemical substances.  If anything happens, both are changed.”    – C. G. Jung

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a feline interpretation was in order.  obvsly.

instant.

this is something i can really feel where i am right now.  in this moment.

the last few years have been a build up.

it has been a time to learn.  absorb.  affect.

the biggest lesson was the most simple and yet sometimes the hardest.

i had to learn how to believe in myself.

see, it’s strange because i always did to an extent.  otherwise i wouldn’t have made my way to los angeles and started living this very unconventional and terrifyingly unstable lifestyle, which i only say unconventional and terrifying from the assumed perspective of other more conventional and stable individuals, because for me, this feels normal and i honestly welcome a constant flow of change and unpredictability.  i crave and relish it.

something new?

slurrrrrrrp.

but yes.  there were still layers of the cocoon that needed to be shed.  pieces of my transforming self waiting to be exposed.  and i’ve been purposefully, carefully, and lovingly peeling the layers back one by one…

this will be an ongoing process of course.  as is life.  the transformation will always continue into each new phase of my life.  but the lesson i had to learn for today, for this moment and for the rest of my life, was to believe unconditionally.  to trust.  and to enjoy every moment of getting here.  through all the hard times and all the successes.  each moment has been a building block forming my life and my future.  i’m so excited for all the possibilities.  both the ones i make and the ones that cross my path.

life is so beautiful in this sense.  it never ends and the possibilities are infinite.

i don’t have any specific news to share with you.  yet.  but in this moment, i celebrate my own private success.  because i got what i want.

my life has changed monumentally.

from within.

and i can’t stop smiling…

life is good.  life is sooo good.

photo by lee clower

bonkers you might say.

it’s the best.  i mean come on.  there’s nothing like embracing the madness.  it’s fun magnifying those insanity pepper type thoughts that sometimes swim around up there.  why the eff not?

i spent much of my youth having to restrain myself in this regard.  my parents used to call me “wild.”  i think i sometimes scared them a bit.  they told me that girls didn’t act so wild and crazy like i did.  i realize there were a lot of factors that influenced their belief of my wildness, including, but not limited to:  my parents being first generation immigrants from taiwan; growing up with an older brother; moving and changing schools A LOT; and we musn’t forget – our best friend – SUGAR (a.k.a. “pure evil”).  i will touch on this sugar thing again in another post i think, but right now i will just leave it at pure evil.

now, you might be imagining me tearing through life like a little asian chucky or something.  but it wasn’t so much like that.  i loved being girly and graceful too.  i fell in love with the image of ballerinas before i can even remember.  the lessons started at age 3.  i loved it so much.  i was good.  i learned fast.  my teachers noticed.  my little 3 year old ego was pumped to be leader of the goslings in our Mother Goose recital.

i could be light.

i could be gentle.

i could be poised.

but most importantly, i could walk like a cat because cat paws are like ballet feet.

meow.

see, a part of me will always see some weird benefit like that.  cuz ballet brings us THAT much closer to becoming pure feline.

obviously.

what was my point?  oh right.  well, i think i might be going through a weird spell.  no wait.  it’s not a spell, more like a surge, or a spark.  or an electrical anomaly.  not sure.  regardless, it’s happening and i refuse to fight it.  how all of this energy will present itself, i don’t know, but some of it is bubbling over into silly videos with mah gurl TAY TAY.  we’ll see what else spews out too.  BEWARE!

so come on!  pop a pepper or two, and get weird with me.  or you can just watch me and tay being weird in our second PATTAY video (here’s the first one).

chickens.

if you thought we were weird before…

the end.

part of me wants to say i haven’t felt inspired.  but that isn’t true.  i’ve felt incredibly inspired.  in life.  the life out here — or more specifically out of here [the internets].

or have i?

this is probably very confusing to you, and i will do my best to explain.

i’ve been somewhat withdrawn from the [public] internet since i returned from Australia.  not intentionally, but i’ve noticed that i’m updating less often and “forgetting” to tweet etc.

however, i did start some new affairs and they are consuming so much of my brain/heart that perhaps this is why i’ve gone into hiding (lots of projects in the works fyi!).

thing is, i don’t want to update just for the sake of updating.  they say bloggers should update often to get the most traffic and adsense hits.  well, i don’t put ads on my page.  this is specifically for me to spew creative shit, let things off my chest, or for me to process experiences, so eff you blogger advice!  i’ll update when i want to update.  honestly, i don’t want my readers to have to navigate between ugly ads on my page.  i don’t want to manipulate ya’ll into clicking anything just so i make a few pennies.  my fortune will come through other avenues i know it.

but i guess i just don’t know how to share when i’m processing shit that’s very close to my heart.  can i really share that with the world?  i don’t mean to block you out of those experiences, but it’s not easy for me to share certain things.  but i’ll try.  i’ll try for you.

what i can assure you is that what’s going on with me is good.  scary.  fun.  beautiful…

gosh…what could that mean?

haha…well…i think i’m entertaining the art of love.

love.

love is so risky and beautiful and frighteningly intense.  i’ve been scared to love for a long time.  wait.  that’s not true.  actually, i love easily.  i believe that when we love unconditionally, the more unconditional love we receive.  i love my friends so much.  i love my family.  i love people i meet.  i love my kitties.  i love this city.  i love every opportunity that comes my way and i thank the universe for all these wonderful gifts.

but there is another level of love that i’ve been trying to understand and reach for much of my life.  an idealized love perhaps?  the love we’re supposed to find between two people and ONLY those two.  is it realistic?  i don’t know.  i can’t seem to understand…or at least i haven’t yet.  but i think part of the problem is HOW people love.  i think that sometimes people mistake possession and codependency for love.  i’ve certainly experienced this before in my previous relationships and FYI possessiveness is a surefire way to kill any relationship with moi.  maybe some bitches like being possessed a little but i can’t stand it.  get jealous and i’ll give you more reasons to be jealous.  ouch.  rebellion!!!

but…never possess me and i’ll be yours forever…

one thing i’ve learned about myself over the years is that i MUST always experience new things.  this realization about myself has created a fear that i will perpetually hurt people who come into my life.  as we thrust forward into the unknown, we sometimes leave others behind.  i’ve certainly felt this happen to some relationships and it’s not that i cared any less, it’s just that i was being called to another stage of life experience.  and sadly, sometimes the people we’re with don’t want to budge.

my intuition tells me that everything will be fine.  not just fine — AMAZING.  the thing is, each relationship we create with every new person is unduly unique, regardless of what type of dynamic — friendly, romantic, professional, etc.  and i LOVE that.  i CHERISH that.  and i truly believe that when you connect on the deepest level with people, it won’t matter anymore and you’ll all evolve and grow together.  the best friends that i have are all people that i trust to be there even if we sometimes lose touch for weeks.  they’re all incredibly creative people who are just as insane as i am.

all i can do is be true to myself.  make my intentions pure, and love unconditionally.  i practice every day.  what’s meant to happen always does.

so LOVE.

love limitlessly, love generously, love deeply…

i will keep practicing.  and i know someone out there will evolve with me, or better yet, inspire me to evolve.

besides baxter.

i believed my first connections were so rare

and that love was almost impossible to find.

…

as my world grows bigger

i realize those connections are real and everywhere

and that i can love limitlessly.

]]> http://cutebutdeadly.net/2010/05/expansion/feed/ 0 http://cutebutdeadly.net/2010/04/pink-pill/ http://cutebutdeadly.net/2010/04/pink-pill/#comments Tue, 13 Apr 2010 06:08:09 +0000 admin http://cutebutdeadly.net/?p=1282 so…

just when i think life is getting drab, it pops a little excitement pill and sends me packing somewhere.  how about that.

this morning i received a call from my rep and she says guess what you’re going to kansas city.

my first thought was…wait, which one was that?  oh yeeaahh…

so, i guess i’m going to kansas city tomorrow.

it’s strange fun going on these out of town jobs all of a sudden.  you unexpectedly get to go somewhere and meet some really cool, interesting people…i love that.

i’m a lucky girl.

catch ya when i get back…maybe i’ll give ya’ll the juicy details…

i was momentarily frozen, unable to think of something to wager, almost overwhelmed by the playful competition.  i proclaimed that i was sooo NOT really a competitive person, which lead him to ask, “how can you not be competitive?  you’re job is all about competition!”

and well, the answer is…i am actually competitive.  but, with myself.  i am always feeling like i need to do better.  to do more.  to do something nobody else has done.  however, when it comes to feeling competitive toward my actual, living, breathing competitors — the ones i see at auditions, that are reading for and being seen for the same roles as me — well, i learned that it doesn’t serve me the slightest to focus on them in that way.  to pin myself against them.

funny thing is, i used to do this.  back when i FIRST started, i used to go on IMDb and creep around all the other asian chicks in my age range to see what they’ve done, who they were repped by, how long they’ve been doing this.  and you know what?  it was awful for me.  it made me insecure and worried about what i DIDN’T have under my belt yet.  what I HADN’T accomplished.

the best thing i can do for my work is keep finding new outlets for expression and meeting people who inspire me.  it also truly helps to feel like i have an audience, so i thank all of ya’ll who follow this damn thing.  seriously.  if you wanna get interactive on this shit…i’d love to hear from ya.

inspire me.

another from lee clower of course.  a previous shoot…

btw, if you wanna click on MY IMDb, please feel free…

THAT is what i think i need to do.  make a goddamn video.  but jeez…of course i have to have the most complicated idea ever that will require a ton of production…which means i need to make some serious scrill.  let me just tell you, last year was rough.  who am i kidding?  i ain’t rich.  i am so lucky i worked as much as i did last year, but most of my commercial work will only air in asia = no residuals.  STILL…i booked more jobs in 2009 than any previous year, so I am incredibly grateful.  thank you, universe, i heart you.

but i’m bored.  restless.  ready to sink.  in.  my.  teeth.

2010, i feel you.  you feel good to me.  let’s play.