the rapture.

JUDGMENT DAY.

i was indeed judged today. yup. i got hacked. and you know what my punishment was? 24 hours without facebook. i’d say i did pretty good.

thanks GOD. love ya.

for real though i’m really thankful for today, ya know? it’s kind of amazing really. the download i keep getting is that it is a judgment day of sorts for the collective consciousness. even if we know deep in our hearts that the world isn’t going to physically end for the majority of humans today, many of us are weighing this day in our minds. both our conscious AND subconscious minds. did you know our subconscious minds process 400 billion bits of information per second while our conscious minds only process 40 bits per second? and because you can consciously control your conscious mind, you can know well and good that nothing crazy is gonna go down today. you can rationalize the hell out of it and be focused on all your other shit and know the day is just gonna continue as per usual etc., etc….

but your subconscious mind is processing ALLLLLL possibilities. which means there is deep deep within you, something that is saying, “yes, but what if…”

and that ‘what if’ is a beautiful thing.

because what IF the world WAS ending today? what if it was? this is not to be fatalistic at all people. no. it is…

an opportunity.

maybe some people are only asking themselves in their subconscious minds and if you read this, then are encouraged to ask yourself consciously, but today… TODAY. today and the days that follow…

the question is:

was it all worth it?

i mean, isn’t that what facing our mortality all about?

judgment day. judgment day. i know my 3 dimensional reality will not end on this day. but what is ending, what has been ending for me through a whole process, is the restraint of my fully expressed self. these last few days i’ve heard the teeny tiny voices in there asking myself, “…ok. now… hypothetically speaking, let’s just say ‘what if.’ what if it did end… did i live my life fully? did i love fully? did i follow my dreams?”

and the answer?

yes. yes and yes. yes and yes and YESS!!!

and there is always room for more. let me repeat: there is always room for more.

more life. more dreams. more LOVE.

because all of that is infinite.

and i fully understand that i choose my path. that i can choose either suffering or i can choose love. this is the human condition. and for me, after years of digging deep into my heart to release all the stuff that was blocking love, i face myself today and i love what i see because all i see is love. i look into the world and all i see is love. i see every single human being and all i see is love. every single animal, every single plant, every single star, every single pixel of space. every single fractal of existence.

this beautiful beautiful beautiful hologram we call life.

i am so grateful.

i’m grateful for you for reading this and allowing me the opportunity to share. truly. creating this blog almost two years ago was therapy for me and knowing i had readers checking in from all over the world inspired me to live with the highest integrity, which is truly a healing healing gift and i thank you.

and i’m grateful i got hacked. i’m grateful i can’t sign into fb for another 12 hours and 59 min. not that i’m counting.

but the lockout gave me space to give the other outlets some lovin. if you follow my twitter or blog, you may have noticed i have been a bit negligent. but it’s only because i’ve been uber present in my non-digital life.

except for fb. find me suckas and let’s be friends. (Patty YUniverse) <— i know, i know. and i make zero apologies for my dorkdom.

i love yous.

photo by miss tay tay.

lots of stuff in this first month of 2011…where do i begin? i suppose first of all, you should know i discovered that all this time since high school i’ve been typing incorrectly and losing the hearts of typographers everywhere by putting not one, but TWO spaces after each period of a sentence. not my fault! thanks, north carolina typing class teacher. needless to say, i will NOT be going back through my whole blog to correct this travesty.

DEAL, typographers.

next on the list: the episode of BONES that i appeared in aired last week. wohoo! t’was a non-speaking co-star, but i mentioned previously about having to reshoot the “love” scene because it was too sexy. apparently, sex — according to FOX network — does not involve any movement whatsoever. the first time we shot it i was specifically requested to rock wit u, but then the second time i was explicitly told, “less gyrating.”

MAKE UP YOUR MINDS, FOX.

anyhow, here’s a screen-capture — click it to watch the full episode on imdb:

this episode is written by an asian american writer and contains some content that miiight be construed as stereotyping…i dunno you tell me haha (i will play dumb for now). i found it humorous (don’t like to take everything too seriously ya know?), but perhaps it’s a way to start a dialogue. thoughts? i would love to know what ya’ll think after you watch it…

AND THEN the last order of business is…wait for it…

DRUNKEN CHEF!

my friends Courtney and Jose created a web series of that very title, and it stars Jose, as himself, as The Drunken Chef. they asked me to guest star in this episode and we had a grand time shooting it. i was already well off the sauce when we shot this, although the crew (and drunken chef himself) enjoyed some beers. i think it was equally fun just pretending.

enjoy…

if you follow me on twitter or facebook, you have been privy to my barrage of various inspirational quotes of late.

how apropo carl, how apropo.

it’s true though, i have definitely been on an idealism binge.  this one is pretty serious.  i mean, i was always a super idealistic kid.  astrology will tell you it’s in my nature (sadge duh) and i have only ever continually validated that assumption throughout my life.  i mean look at what i’m setting out to do here.  it is an idealholic’s wet dream — cuz until you’re truly in it, this business makes no promises.  no promises at all.  not of fame and definitely not of fortune.

absolutely no guarantees except the one in my soul.

quote that motherfuckers!

my point is.  where do i draw a line?  sure, i am a hardcore idealism junkie at this point, but if i wasn’t i wouldn’t still be here chipping away and starting to see the budding fruits of my labor.  all my big dreams are the driving force behind so many of my actions, when otherwise i just wouldn’t care enough to try.  am i the only one here?  i guess you should know that my ideal vision is that of a long career based entirely from creative work.  i want to make life-long friends who inspire me, meet new people all the time, travel the world while doing it, and create fun, fulfilling, exciting projects, all the while spreading love and inspiration, and sharing what i have with the whole wide world.

is that so unrealistic???

yes, idealism is definitely like a drug sometimes.  i believe that at one point i abused idealism and i was so drunk and retarded on it that i thought things would just happen to me, and so maybe that meant i didn’t have to work so hard.  [maybe not so] coincidentally, that’s also when i was living a very i-don’t-give-a-fuck life where i would drink too much on a semi-regular basis, hold onto relationships that didn’t work, or even darker, walk a fine line between dating and being exploited.

[shudder]

ultimately that was by nobody but myself.

“Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.

ok, that one’s not jung, but it’s very relevant ok?  it was selfish.  all i was really doing was fueling my wussy addictions.  sure, i might not have been a coked out trainwreck, but the patterns that i was calling my “life” at the time were getting in the way of me actually doing anything REAL.  i was using.  whether it be substances (like alcohol or sugar), relationships, negative thought patterns, or self-sabotage, i was using those things to escape my responsibilities in creating the life i envision.  and that’s the difference.  when you use it correctly (medicinally?) idealism can be a tool used in actualizing your dreams.  the operative word being actualizing.  you cannot forge an acting [or any] career just based on dreaming alone.  you have to do a shit ton of work and when it comes to acting, much of that work is emotional and spiritual in nature.  you cannot be a miserable fuck and expect to get tons of acting roles NOT the part of “miserable fuck.”  it is just not possible.  at least not for me.  there are not slews of breakdowns calling for miserable fucking asian chicks, i can promise you that.

“Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darkness of other people. ” — Carl Jung

– and in an actor’s case, dealing with the darkness of characters you play.  see, there very well could be a role one day that calls for a miserable fuck, but what they don’t tell you is that usually, the actual miserable fuck doesn’t get the job and instead, the guy who gets it is that well balanced person who is able to access their inner miserable fuck because ultimately, nobody wants to hang around a real miserable fucking fuck.  YA FOLLOW?

SO, how do you become well balanced?

“There is no coming to consciousness without pain.” — Carl Jung

Oh, carl, you.  you’re right.  you’re always right!  It can be very painful to let go of things, emotions, patterns, and especially relationships.  but he’s right.  sometimes you have to let go of old attachments that no longer serve you (or worse, that enable toxic behavior) in order to progress to higher ground.  sigh.  C to the J you are the man.  if you were alive, i would sooo let you psychoanalyze the shit outta me.  HOT.

i recently stumbled upon this glorious page of quotes, after what was probably another late night psychoanalysis-based astrology bender, and i fell in lurrrrve.  carl speaks to me.  he describes all this shit that i had basically been going through on my own the last few years.  and since that fateful day, i have been quite quote-happy in hopes of inspiring others and to offer encouragement.  i see so much talent, creativity, and passion everyday from all kinds of people in all walks of life.  on the freaking internetz!  facepoo!  twatter!  i lurve youz!  it makes me so happy!!  ALL i want to do EVER is to encourage ya’ll to tap into your creative powers all the time!!!  together we can save the world!!!

oh silly sadge and her ideals.

and yes, carl, this means i do still heed your warning about idealism seriously, because the danger of living completely in the world of ideals is the risk of ending up being completely disconnected from the real world, never being happy with relationships, and/or missing out on the beauty of life that is happening in the HERE and NOW while chasing my idealistic dreams.  oh that and winding up alone and childless forever.  ouch.

so i am declaring my intention to fully awaken to the present, to enjoy life, and to always be grateful for what i have NOW.  and i encourage you to declare this intention as well.  the rest will follow.  i know this.  i trust this.

live this.

“Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart.  Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.” — C to the J

these words helped me today.

i freaking love life.  so many secret signs everywhere.  so excited, happy, and feeling really good.

oh, btw i got an email today that made me shake with excitement for 30 minutes life is that good.  funny thing is, it wasn’t even news.  yet.  obviously when it becomes news officially, i shall certainly share it with you.

oh, and some more photos from that little room shoot.

yeah.

you.

accept that it is your birthright to have a beautiful, fun, fullfilling life.

look for joy instead of disappointment.

be inspired by the things that you see in the world.

be inspired by things that affect you.

it is ok for you to feel those things.

it is OK for you to FEEL.

you need to.  for a reason.

that feeling is a message.  and it has nothing to do with this or that or him or her.  it has to do with you.  it is a clue to your innermost secrets and desires.  a clue to your true power.  these clues can help you unlock great powers and heal old wounds if you can just step back and see where they guide you.

sometimes we feel things and they don’t feel comfortable.  our minds race to give meaning to those feelings, grasping at the first object, person, or substance to project onto or escape with.  this is very damaging behavior to our own souls as well as to our relationships with others.  we think we’re “figuring out” those feelings, thus eliminating them, but in reality we’ve barely skimmed the surface.  and they’re still there.  and they’ll keep coming up.  maybe about something else next time.

look within your heart.  ask yourself WHY.

you owe it to yourself to understand what it is exactly you are afraid of so that you can overcome it.  use those clues.  that’s when you will know yourself.  and when you know yourself, you will attract everything and everyone best for you…

and all your fears will release.

most of you are probably like, “WTF is this bitch talking about?”  but i was inspired to write, and this is intended to be helpful and healing to any of you who connect with it.  for those of you who don’t…

well it is the internetz after all.

(honestly, i could keep going on, but then i’ll get all gooshy and sentimental about how much i love everyone like the fucking clean hippie i am.)  luv yous.

“The meeting of two people is like the meeting of two chemical substances.  If anything happens, both are changed.”    – C. G. Jung

***

***

a feline interpretation was in order.  obvsly.

instant.

this is something i can really feel where i am right now.  in this moment.

the last few years have been a build up.

it has been a time to learn.  absorb.  affect.

the biggest lesson was the most simple and yet sometimes the hardest.

i had to learn how to believe in myself.

see, it’s strange because i always did to an extent.  otherwise i wouldn’t have made my way to los angeles and started living this very unconventional and terrifyingly unstable lifestyle, which i only say unconventional and terrifying from the assumed perspective of other more conventional and stable individuals, because for me, this feels normal and i honestly welcome a constant flow of change and unpredictability.  i crave and relish it.

something new?

slurrrrrrrp.

but yes.  there were still layers of the cocoon that needed to be shed.  pieces of my transforming self waiting to be exposed.  and i’ve been purposefully, carefully, and lovingly peeling the layers back one by one…

this will be an ongoing process of course.  as is life.  the transformation will always continue into each new phase of my life.  but the lesson i had to learn for today, for this moment and for the rest of my life, was to believe unconditionally.  to trust.  and to enjoy every moment of getting here.  through all the hard times and all the successes.  each moment has been a building block forming my life and my future.  i’m so excited for all the possibilities.  both the ones i make and the ones that cross my path.

life is so beautiful in this sense.  it never ends and the possibilities are infinite.

i don’t have any specific news to share with you.  yet.  but in this moment, i celebrate my own private success.  because i got what i want.

my life has changed monumentally.

from within.

and i can’t stop smiling…

life is good.  life is sooo good.

photo by lee clower

bonkers you might say.

it’s the best.  i mean come on.  there’s nothing like embracing the madness.  it’s fun magnifying those insanity pepper type thoughts that sometimes swim around up there.  why the eff not?

i spent much of my youth having to restrain myself in this regard.  my parents used to call me “wild.”  i think i sometimes scared them a bit.  they told me that girls didn’t act so wild and crazy like i did.  i realize there were a lot of factors that influenced their belief of my wildness, including, but not limited to:  my parents being first generation immigrants from taiwan; growing up with an older brother; moving and changing schools A LOT; and we musn’t forget – our best friend – SUGAR (a.k.a. “pure evil”).  i will touch on this sugar thing again in another post i think, but right now i will just leave it at pure evil.

now, you might be imagining me tearing through life like a little asian chucky or something.  but it wasn’t so much like that.  i loved being girly and graceful too.  i fell in love with the image of ballerinas before i can even remember.  the lessons started at age 3.  i loved it so much.  i was good.  i learned fast.  my teachers noticed.  my little 3 year old ego was pumped to be leader of the goslings in our Mother Goose recital.

i could be light.

i could be gentle.

i could be poised.

but most importantly, i could walk like a cat because cat paws are like ballet feet.

meow.

see, a part of me will always see some weird benefit like that.  cuz ballet brings us THAT much closer to becoming pure feline.

obviously.

what was my point?  oh right.  well, i think i might be going through a weird spell.  no wait.  it’s not a spell, more like a surge, or a spark.  or an electrical anomaly.  not sure.  regardless, it’s happening and i refuse to fight it.  how all of this energy will present itself, i don’t know, but some of it is bubbling over into silly videos with mah gurl TAY TAY.  we’ll see what else spews out too.  BEWARE!

so come on!  pop a pepper or two, and get weird with me.  or you can just watch me and tay being weird in our second PATTAY video (here’s the first one).

chickens.

if you thought we were weird before…

the end.