CutebutDeadly.net

lovesick

it’s been a while since i’ve actually journal-ed on here and it’s hard to say why.  i’ve been feeling very private.  maybe that’s not a terribly bad thing.

part of me wants to say i haven’t felt inspired.  but that isn’t true.  i’ve felt incredibly inspired.  in life.  the life out here — or more specifically out of here [the internets].

or have i?

this is probably very confusing to you, and i will do my best to explain.

i’ve been somewhat withdrawn from the [public] internet since i returned from Australia.  not intentionally, but i’ve noticed that i’m updating less often and “forgetting” to tweet etc.

however, i did start some new affairs and they are consuming so much of my brain/heart that perhaps this is why i’ve gone into hiding (lots of projects in the works fyi!).

thing is, i don’t want to update just for the sake of updating.  they say bloggers should update often to get the most traffic and adsense hits.  well, i don’t put ads on my page.  this is specifically for me to spew creative shit, let things off my chest, or for me to process experiences, so eff you blogger advice!  i’ll update when i want to update.  honestly, i don’t want my readers to have to navigate between ugly ads on my page.  i don’t want to manipulate ya’ll into clicking anything just so i make a few pennies.  my fortune will come through other avenues i know it.

but i guess i just don’t know how to share when i’m processing shit that’s very close to my heart.  can i really share that with the world?  i don’t mean to block you out of those experiences, but it’s not easy for me to share certain things.  but i’ll try.  i’ll try for you.

what i can assure you is that what’s going on with me is good.  scary.  fun.  beautiful…

gosh…what could that mean?

Continue Reading…

expansion

when my world was small

i believed my first connections were so rare

and that love was almost impossible to find.

…

as my world grows bigger

i realize those connections are real and everywhere

and that i can love limitlessly.

pink pill

so…

just when i think life is getting drab, it pops a little excitement pill and sends me packing somewhere.  how about that.

this morning i received a call from my rep and she says guess what you’re going to kansas city.

my first thought was…wait, which one was that?  oh yeeaahh…

so, i guess i’m going to kansas city tomorrow.

it’s strange fun going on these out of town jobs all of a sudden.  you unexpectedly get to go somewhere and meet some really cool, interesting people…i love that.

i’m a lucky girl.

catch ya when i get back…maybe i’ll give ya’ll the juicy details…

tempered egos

i was joking around with a friend yesterday — having some faux-competitive ego flexing — when he asked me what i wanted for stakes.

i was momentarily frozen, unable to think of something to wager, almost overwhelmed by the playful competition.  i proclaimed that i was sooo NOT really a competitive person, which lead him to ask, “how can you not be competitive?  you’re job is all about competition!”

and well, the answer is…i am actually competitive.  but, with myself.  i am always feeling like i need to do better.  to do more.  to do something nobody else has done.  however, when it comes to feeling competitive toward my actual, living, breathing competitors — the ones i see at auditions, that are reading for and being seen for the same roles as me — well, i learned that it doesn’t serve me the slightest to focus on them in that way.  to pin myself against them.

funny thing is, i used to do this.  back when i FIRST started, i used to go on IMDb and creep around all the other asian chicks in my age range to see what they’ve done, who they were repped by, how long they’ve been doing this.  and you know what?  it was awful for me.  it made me insecure and worried about what i DIDN’T have under my belt yet.  what I HADN’T accomplished.

the best thing i can do for my work is keep finding new outlets for expression and meeting people who inspire me.  it also truly helps to feel like i have an audience, so i thank all of ya’ll who follow this damn thing.  seriously.  if you wanna get interactive on this shit…i’d love to hear from ya.

inspire me.

another from lee clower of course.  a previous shoot…

btw, if you wanna click on MY IMDb, please feel free…

I ain’t talkin’ bubble baths

i have been feeling stretched a little…so much going on.  mom, birthdays, weddings, parties, shows, friends, babies…so many people to see…friends i miss.  but  it’s making me crave some ‘ME’ time.  you know, like…a nice long day to myself where i do all kinds of weird shit around the house.  “clean.”  dance around.  rifle through old stuff.  take self portraits.  write.  make a video.

THAT is what i think i need to do.  make a goddamn video.  but jeez…of course i have to have the most complicated idea ever that will require a ton of production…which means i need to make some serious scrill.  let me just tell you, last year was rough.  who am i kidding?  i ain’t rich.  i am so lucky i worked as much as i did last year, but most of my commercial work will only air in asia = no residuals.  STILL…i booked more jobs in 2009 than any previous year, so I am incredibly grateful.  thank you, universe, i heart you.

but i’m bored.  restless.  ready to sink.  in.  my.  teeth.

2010, i feel you.  you feel good to me.  let’s play.

Sup Qatar

in the last 30 days, these countries have visited my blog (listed starting with most hits).  sup ya’ll.  thanks for visiting.  looooove!

United States
Canada
United Kingdom
Australia
Singapore
Japan
Taiwan
Germany
Malaysia
Hong Kong
New Zealand
Norway
Sweden
Ireland
South Korea
France
Algeria
Poland
Phillippines
Switzerland
Spain
Turkey
Austria
Russia
Indonesia
Brazil
Italy
Chile
Grenada
Lithuania
Qatar
Mexico
Denmark
Tunisia
China
India
United Arab Emirates
Netherlands
Latvia
Czech Republic

LA isn’t built for rain

but something in me sure was, and i’m enjoying every moment of it.  in fact, i bought rain boots yesterday because there were four more days of rain forecasted.  and then i probably won’t wear them again all year, but who friggin cares!

anyhow, that isn’t what i really wanted to talk about here today.  what do i want to talk about, you might ask?

relationships.

no.  not those kind of relationships.  i’m talking professional ones.

see, i was driving in the rain today after dropping off a submission to an agency that i am very interested in, and while blissing out to the millions of rain splatters being wiped over and over from the windshield, i started to draw comparisons between professional relationships between an agent and actor, to a more personal, intimate relationship.

what i concluded to myself was that previously, in my own experience, i was not in the right relationship.  and what i’ve learned about being in a wrong relationship — professional or personal — is that i end up losing myself.  slowly.  pieces of me.  little by little.  when i’m in the wrong relationship, i start to forget how to just be me.  and i start thinking i have to be what other people expect me to be.  not so much in a conscious way, but subconsciously over time.

it was horrible for me creatively.  i was so blocked.  i became so unsure about what i was doing and THAT is actor suicide.

let me be clear that i didn’t think these relationships were BAD relationships.  they just weren’t right.  for me.  the last year was such a blessing for me.  being freed from my old rep was the most inspiring thing they’ve ever done for me.  it allowed myself to come back.  to be me again.  it gave me the motivation to make my silly, fun video, and even start this website.  and the crazy thing is, this return-to-my-true-self seems to just beget more and more work.  people started coming to me with work this past year and i didn’t even have an agent.  i’m not sure when the last time was that i was so happy and productive.

to be fair to the people before, i wasn’t so happy or enlighted when i met them, so they didn’t get to see the real me then either.  so it’s nobody’s fault that it didn’t work out.  we all just needed to find ourselves, yes?

i guess THAT is a sign that i’m ready for a new relationship.  professional, that is.  and i’m very excited to find the right people who will fit.  just.  right.

so…wish me luck, ya’ll!

and enjoy this cuddle weather.

my #1 cuddle buddy watching sag screeners with me

for all the late bloomers

i put some zeppelin on last night while getting ready to meet a friend for drinks and had a flashback memory.

i’m maybe 14 or 15, chatting on aol with a boy i met in a chat room — one of the few ways i could connect with the world at large those days…the world outside my sheltered chinese household.

the boy i was chatting with loved zeppelin, therefore i loved this boy.  i was eager to indulge in my newly purchased classic rock selects from columbia house.  he told me his favorite song was the rain song.  i hadn’t listened to that one yet, so i scrambled to play it in my cd player, and shit…it was sooooo good.

i talked to him as if it was my longtime favorite.  as if i was cool enough to have discovered it through my ex hippie parents or some uber hip older sibling.  i was trying to claw my way into a different reality.  a different culture.  a counterculture.  something different.  anything different.  something that represented freedom.  something that represented expression.

i fantasized about having parents that played the beatles for me when i was small.  i pretended that i had grown up air guitaring to hendrix, singing joplin’s lyrics, or losing my mind to the grateful dead.  instead i bought them all for a penny, but only if i promised to purchase four more cds at full price.

i scavenged whatever information i could from Dazed and Confused, from my friends and their parents, from books, magazines, old yearbooks, thrift stores.  anything.  in college i faked what i could about the extent of my musical knowledge.  the who?  oh… The Who… erm, yeah…love em.  i listened faithfully to classic rock stations.  i watched documentaries about haight ashbury.  i saw phish.  i dropped acid.

i am a late bloomer.  it’s nobody’s fault.

now here i am, having started a career in the arts “late.”  shhhhhhhhhhit.

my birthday is approaching.  sometimes i trick myself into thinking that time is my enemy — that it’s something that could run out on me if i don’t hurry the fuck up.  here i am, looking like a baby, but knowing the truth and wondering if that will sabotage me.  aye.  in reality these thoughts are what sabotage.

all i can do is push harder and be as authentic as possible.  be true to myself.  love myself.  and never give up.

these days i truly appreciate the depth my upbringing gave me.  i am who i am because of my struggles.  i love that i come from another culture.  i love that i had something to fight for.

i am eternally grateful for all the opportunities that have come my way.  they are truly gifts.  i am so blessed.

to all you other late bloomers out there:  never give up.

never ever ever give up.

from my shoot this summer with lee clower

another reason to cry at weddings

ink antidote

sometimes i poison myself with negative thoughts.

i have to remind myself constantly to change those thought patterns when they start to creep up — pessimistic, self defeating, highly personalized, isolating kind of thoughts [shudders].

some of you asked why i got my tattoos.  on one side it says, “pain is inevitable” and on the other, “suffering is optional.”  i wanted them to be a reminder to myself about releasing negative thought patterns, but i didn’t realize to what extent the ink’s power held…haha.  today on my commercial shoot for american family insurance, i was asked three times what my tattoos meant before i covered them.  over the last two weeks many other people have also asked.  these two little strings of pretty letters are opening up all kinds of positive discussion amongst strangers.  i love that.

today we talked about how important it is to live in the moment and appreciate what we do have in our lives.  there are so many people who are much less fortunate, and yet we get caught up feeling sorry for ourselves because of a breakup, or a car breaking down, not getting that gig we wanted, or someone being an asshole BLAH BLAH BLAH…jesus, sometimes i can’t understand how people can even say they’re having a “bad day.”  what?  are you starving?  do you have a roof over your head?  clothes on your back?  is that a freaking iphone in your pocket?  of your designer jeans?  sheeesh.

we should all be SO happy.  we should all be SO grateful.

i have my health.  i have my family.  i have my friends.  i have food to eat and clean water to drink.  i have more than i could ever need.  i am so grateful.  i am so so grateful.  thank you thank you thank you so much.  i promise not to take anything for granted.

F U toxic thoughts.  you gotta leave my brain.  i know that sometimes you’re gonna slip in, and i get that — there is no light without dark yada yada — i can respect you.  but guess what?  you’re only here to remind me how great i’ve really got it.

so, thank you.

now get the eff out.