the time finally came for me to vlog out. what kind of person does these things? these little vlog things?
i mean, rather than start another written post saying long it’s been since i’ve blogged blah blah blah blah blah, i decided to just talk it out. OH BOY did i talk it out. BEWARE. 10 minutes of yours truly and that’s after editing it down.
and well, not to reveal anything in there, but you’ve probably already read about some of the shifts i’ve been going through and all i wanna say to preface my video (if it resonates with you) is that every person will find a way that works for him or her, but the key to all things in life is intention, and i only encourage each and every single one of you on your path to full health and happiness. i’ve picked up a LOT of tools in the last year that i will continue to share.
my growth involved many transitions and phases, but the one specific thing i cannot stress enough to every single person who reads this is to go ORGANIC and only support sustainable, HUMANE farming practices. do it for your body, for your children, for your future, for OUR future.
also, if there was one thing i did not mention in my video that i would say now is:
Last week President Obama and Secretary Vilsack approved Monsanto’s GMO alfalfa despite overwhelming public protest. This move fundamentally undermines the organic industry, especially organic meat and dairy. In approving GMO alfalfa the Obama administration has caved to Monsanto and made it harder for family farmers to make a living and for consumers wanting to eat safe, healthy foods.
It was during your race for the presidency that i felt renewed hope in the future of our country. For the first time since seeing the world through the eyes of a naive little girl, I felt a renewed hope that we would together create a country that stands united for the betterment of mankind. I saw a glimmer of the future and I knew that you would be elected, and that you would be a beacon of light, who would inspire masses and bring forth great substantial change. I remember reassuring those who were still wrought with the old paradigm of fear that you would go on to lead us. I had unwavering faith.
When you came into office, I saw you and Michelle Obama as true examples of a new standard that all human beings should be held up to. Michelle’s leadership on the health front showed me it was possible that our leaders could truly care about the highest good of our citizens, rather than the pockets of the richest of rich.
When I learned about the Monsanto GMO alfalfa, the fear almost returned. I say almost because the fight isn’t over. But although I have no fear, much of that hope you once inspired was replaced with deep disappointment. Two years ago I would have NEVER imagined that your administration could possibly approve such a move. Perhaps that little girl in me, the idealistic dreamer, was unrealistic in believing that a historic president like you would be impervious to bending to the will of such powerhouses of control. I am saddened, and that little girl in me weeps for this fragment of broken dreams.
However, I want you to know that I believe the people will rise to the occasion. I believe that the people will vote with their dollars. I believe that we are the change we seek. Truly. Deeply. And while this plea to reverse your decision may fall on deaf ears, I am inspired and invigorated by the voice of the people who are standing up fearlessly for what is RIGHT. For what is in the best interest of the collective. And although this decision is a tremendous disappointment, it gives fuel to the movement and awakening of my fellow human beings. We refuse to be in chains and I promise that I will do everything in my power to help mankind, step by step, little by little, to free ourselves from the grasp of powers we did NOT choose in this lifetime. I do this for my parents. I do this for my future children. I do this for my neighbors. I do this for my country. I do this for my world. I do this for my planet. I do this for me. And I do this for you.
Thank you for what change you have brought into place so far. I encourage you to live fearlessly, President Obama. There is only now, and our purpose here is to live in truth.
lots of stuff in this first month of 2011…where do i begin? i suppose first of all, you should know i discovered that all this time since high school i’ve been typing incorrectly and losing the hearts of typographers everywhere by putting not one, but TWO spaces after each period of a sentence. not my fault! thanks, north carolina typing class teacher. needless to say, i will NOT be going back through my whole blog to correct this travesty.
next on the list: the episode of BONES that i appeared in aired last week. wohoo! t’was a non-speaking co-star, but i mentioned previously about having to reshoot the “love” scene because it was too sexy. apparently, sex — according to FOX network — does not involve any movement whatsoever. the first time we shot it i was specifically requested to rock wit u, but then the second time i was explicitly told, “less gyrating.”
MAKE UP YOUR MINDS, FOX.
anyhow, here’s a screen-capture — click it to watch the full episode on imdb:
this episode is written by an asian american writer and contains some content that miiight be construed as stereotyping…i dunno you tell me haha (i will play dumb for now). i found it humorous (don’t like to take everything too seriously ya know?), but perhaps it’s a way to start a dialogue. thoughts? i would love to know what ya’ll think after you watch it…
AND THEN the last order of business is…wait for it…
my friends Courtney and Jose created a web series of that very title, and it stars Jose, as himself, as The Drunken Chef. they asked me to guest star in this episode and we had a grand time shooting it. i was already well off the sauce when we shot this, although the crew (and drunken chef himself) enjoyed some beers. i think it was equally fun just pretending.
i used to make a lot of excuses. i admit it. there were lots. i didn’t realize how much at the time. i had excuses for when i would start eating right, start exercising, to take classes, to be creative, to drink water, to build my career, to examine my relationships, to heal relationships, to connect with my family, to go out with friends, to meet new people. christ, you name it, i’ve made an excuse to NOT do it at least one point in my life.
this doesn’t mean i NEVER did what i knew i had to do. i did. it just certainly took a while* even though i always knew in my heart who i could be.
i used to repeat my “story” as an excuse.
“Once upon a time… blah blah blah… and that’s how i got all fucked up in life, so that’s why i can’t be what you want me to be.”
ooh… that’s interesting. “what you want me to be… “ that just sort of slipped out, but it’s profound. why do we go through life thinking we need to be what others want us to be? Continue Reading…
“Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol or morphine or idealism.” — Carl Jung
if you follow me on twitter or facebook, you have been privy to my barrage of various inspirational quotes of late.
how apropo carl, how apropo.
it’s true though, i have definitely been on an idealism binge. this one is pretty serious. i mean, i was always a super idealistic kid. astrology will tell you it’s in my nature (sadge duh) and i have only ever continually validated that assumption throughout my life. i mean look at what i’m setting out to do here. it is an idealholic’s wet dream — cuz until you’re truly in it, this business makes no promises. no promises at all. not of fame and definitely not of fortune.
absolutely no guarantees except the one in my soul.
i’ve thought a lot about how i would approach this blog post — more thought than i ever put into writing these things (usually it’s what i like to call written diarrhea. . . cuz i thought you needed that image in your mind just now).
anyhow, i realized that this would probably also become a post on body image, cuz let’s face it, the two are related and i am not afraid to talk about all the RETARDED SHIT that goes on in my head sometimes regarding my own body, and let me tell you, this business certainly isn’t the most sympathetic in regards to that, and I happen to be in it.
so a little background: my family is chinese. which means growing up, adults encourage you to eat A LOT OF FUCKING FOOD. and then if you get fat, they all make fun of you. and you can’t get offended.
that really didn’t apply to me personally because i was such a skinny freaking kid growing up that i developed a really nice positive relationship with food. as in, i ate a LOT of it. i took pride in my ability to eat so much for being so petite. pound for pound i could probably destroy ALL of you in an eating contest. i also had a lot of, erm, tummy issues growing up. notice i say “tummy issues” now, when earlier i had no problem writing DIARRHEA in a metaphoric sense. no matter, you get the idea. we’ve ALL been there. ahem.
in high school, i remember being called “skinny” a lot. i feared that people would think i had an eating disorder after learning about them from teen magazines (they might as well send you a manual, i mean really). so what did i do? i binged. i ate voraciously. and with great vigor. i bragged about how much i could eat. i was very lucky because at home my mom always cooked healthy, wholesome, balanced meals (thank you mom, you saved my life and future), but when not eating my mom’s cooking, it was BAD. LOTS of BAD FOOD. Pizza, doritos, cheetos, pasta, white bread, twix, fries, and COCA COLA. good god i loved coca cola. BUT — i was also in dance, cheerleading, diving, and an overall active young person, so of course — i stayed small.
fast forward to post college, move to LA. now the metabolism is slowing, now the physical activity is totally irregular or at some points nonexistent. now my mom isn’t cooking for me anymore. now i’m starting to notice…
accept that it is your birthright to have a beautiful, fun, fullfilling life.
look for joy instead of disappointment.
be inspired by the things that you see in the world.
be inspired by things that affect you.
it is ok for you to feel those things.
it is OK for you to FEEL.
you need to. for a reason.
that feeling is a message. and it has nothing to do with this or that or him or her. it has to do with you. it is a clue to your innermost secrets and desires. a clue to your true power. these clues can help you unlock great powers and heal old wounds if you can just step back and see where they guide you.
sometimes we feel things and they don’t feel comfortable. our minds race to give meaning to those feelings, grasping at the first object, person, or substance to project onto or escape with. this is very damaging behavior to our own souls as well as to our relationships with others. we think we’re “figuring out” those feelings, thus eliminating them, but in reality we’ve barely skimmed the surface. and they’re still there. and they’ll keep coming up. maybe about something else next time.
look within your heart. ask yourself WHY.
you owe it to yourself to understand what it is exactly you are afraid of so that you can overcome it. use those clues. that’s when you will know yourself. and when you know yourself, you will attract everything and everyone best for you…
and all your fears will release.
most of you are probably like, “WTF is this bitch talking about?” but i was inspired to write, and this is intended to be helpful and healing to any of you who connect with it. for those of you who don’t…
well it is the internetz after all.
(honestly, i could keep going on, but then i’ll get all gooshy and sentimental about how much i love everyone like the fucking clean hippie i am.) luv yous.
it’s the best. i mean come on. there’s nothing like embracing the madness. it’s fun magnifying those insanity pepper type thoughts that sometimes swim around up there. why the eff not?
i spent much of my youth having to restrain myself in this regard. my parents used to call me “wild.” i think i sometimes scared them a bit. they told me that girls didn’t act so wild and crazy like i did. i realize there were a lot of factors that influenced their belief of my wildness, including, but not limited to: my parents being first generation immigrants from taiwan; growing up with an older brother; moving and changing schools A LOT; and we musn’t forget – our best friend – SUGAR (a.k.a. “pure evil”). i will touch on this sugar thing again in another post i think, but right now i will just leave it at pure evil.
now, you might be imagining me tearing through life like a little asian chucky or something. but it wasn’t so much like that. i loved being girly and graceful too. i fell in love with the image of ballerinas before i can even remember. the lessons started at age 3. i loved it so much. i was good. i learned fast. my teachers noticed. my little 3 year old ego was pumped to be leader of the goslings in our Mother Goose recital.
i could be light.
i could be gentle.
i could be poised.
but most importantly, i could walk like a cat because cat paws are like ballet feet.
see, a part of me will always see some weird benefit like that. cuz ballet brings us THAT much closer to becoming pure feline.
what was my point? oh right. well, i think i might be going through a weird spell. no wait. it’s not a spell, more like a surge, or a spark. or an electrical anomaly. not sure. regardless, it’s happening and i refuse to fight it. how all of this energy will present itself, i don’t know, but some of it is bubbling over into silly videos with mah gurl TAY TAY. we’ll see what else spews out too. BEWARE!
so come on! pop a pepper or two, and get weird with me. or you can just watch me and tay being weird in our second PATTAY video (here’s the first one).
it’s been a while since i’ve actually journal-ed on here and it’s hard to say why. i’ve been feeling very private. maybe that’s not a terribly bad thing.
part of me wants to say i haven’t felt inspired. but that isn’t true. i’ve felt incredibly inspired. in life. the life out here — or more specifically out of here [the internets].
or have i?
this is probably very confusing to you, and i will do my best to explain.
i’ve been somewhat withdrawn from the [public] internet since i returned from Australia. not intentionally, but i’ve noticed that i’m updating less often and “forgetting” to tweet etc.
however, i did start some new affairs and they are consuming so much of my brain/heart that perhaps this is why i’ve gone into hiding (lots of projects in the works fyi!).
thing is, i don’t want to update just for the sake of updating. they say bloggers should update often to get the most traffic and adsense hits. well, i don’t put ads on my page. this is specifically for me to spew creative shit, let things off my chest, or for me to process experiences, so eff you blogger advice! i’ll update when i want to update. honestly, i don’t want my readers to have to navigate between ugly ads on my page. i don’t want to manipulate ya’ll into clicking anything just so i make a few pennies. my fortune will come through other avenues i know it.
but i guess i just don’t know how to share when i’m processing shit that’s very close to my heart. can i really share that with the world? i don’t mean to block you out of those experiences, but it’s not easy for me to share certain things. but i’ll try. i’ll try for you.
what i can assure you is that what’s going on with me is good. scary. fun. beautiful…
sometimes i can be so selective about what i share on here. other times one might consider my posts over-sharing. i mean pee dreams? those of you who love that post, i know you’re out there.
i’ve found the last several weeks a period of tremendous growth. i have so many ideas and see so much potential in the world. i can’t seem to put into words what i see, so i neglect to update my blog and all those other sharing tools. it’s not that i forget. actually i’m constantly wanting to share some news of success. i forget that most people are more forgiving than i am myself. some of my minor successes i write off, assuming you’d be bored of it. another print job? a commercial callback? oh. we already saw that before.
but it’s not you. it’s me. i’m the one who’s bored. i’m the one who’s no longer impressed. i want something new.
it’s time to level up.
is that why i’m running off to Australia? to mingle with some new blood? and maybe a koala or two?
funny though, i very well could book a commercial that makes me cut my trip to Australia short. it’s actually very amusing to me, and i should just start buying insurance every time i book a flight because this has happened more than once before.
anyhow, one thing i do want to share in this awesomely random, awesomely boring blog, is that sometimes the universe reveals the very thing i’m asking for. and it may not go exactly the way i want it to go, but i just have to trust that how it IS going will take me through all the steps needed to realize my vision.
i learned yesterday that i still have growing to do.
i am so lucky. i am so happy. i am so thankful for this lesson.
you have no idea what i’m talking about, but i promise that you will.