CutebutDeadly.net

I ain’t talkin’ bubble baths

i have been feeling stretched a little…so much going on.  mom, birthdays, weddings, parties, shows, friends, babies…so many people to see…friends i miss.  but  it’s making me crave some ‘ME’ time.  you know, like…a nice long day to myself where i do all kinds of weird shit around the house.  “clean.”  dance around.  rifle through old stuff.  take self portraits.  write.  make a video.

THAT is what i think i need to do.  make a goddamn video.  but jeez…of course i have to have the most complicated idea ever that will require a ton of production…which means i need to make some serious scrill.  let me just tell you, last year was rough.  who am i kidding?  i ain’t rich.  i am so lucky i worked as much as i did last year, but most of my commercial work will only air in asia = no residuals.  STILL…i booked more jobs in 2009 than any previous year, so I am incredibly grateful.  thank you, universe, i heart you.

but i’m bored.  restless.  ready to sink.  in.  my.  teeth.

2010, i feel you.  you feel good to me.  let’s play.

Flex Yo Hustle Muscle

today was one of those days of runnin’ round — flexin’ that hustle muscle.  i finally had a commercial audition, which is great…haven’t had one in weeks.  and it seemed to go well!  i’ll keep you posted about that.

i also had my first hate comment on youtube about my video.  wow…sometimes people are just really aggro.  i don’t get it.  why waste that energy?  if you don’t like something, don’t watch it.  but some people like to hate i guess.  but i’m not going to remove it.  with all the good sometimes comes bad.  this is inevitable.  however, i will draw the line somewhere and if there is ever something that is absolutely disgustingly jarring to the soul, i will remove it.  somethings are never meant to be spread.  ever.

if ya’ll feel like going to my video on youtube and burying the guy’s ugly comment with nice happy comments about how much you laughed, those are the ones that really bring a huge smile to my face!

oh yeah.  and the picture for today.

photo:  lee clower

like… an infection?

the last week has been nutso.  i released my video into the wild on Sunday, July 26th and eight days later today (Aug 4th) it has already close to 20,000 views.

now, i am NO youtube partner with a half million subscribers getting notified every time their favorite youtube celebrity posts something new.  i think i maybe had a dozen max subscribers when i put the video up  and that included my brother, a friend here or there, and maybe one or two viewers scavenged from superfuture.  OH, and my best friend’s mom.  yeah!!!

so because of this, i really didn’t expect it to spread so far this fast (glad i’m talking about a video here).  it’s really overwhelming to think about the seemingly endless space that is the internet and how information travels within it.  this is not to say i didn’t submit the video to some blogs myself, and my friends have been amazing and have been posting it on facebook and twitter and their blogs.  i mean, it’s not like i’ve gone onto kpop fansites and posed as a tween to show some people the vid on a boa forum or anything.  pshh… heh… i would NEVER do that… pff…  (can someone be arrested for that?)

either way, this shit is spreading.  and that, to me, is CRAYZAY.  and fun.  and exciting.  it makes me want to do more.  and be even riskier.  and weirder.  haha.

it’s also exciting to me that this might give asian artists more exposure in a way they maybe weren’t expecting.  some people probably don’t really get asian pop music, but i’m kinda seriously loving the crazy/cute/weird/fun stuff coming outta the land of my ancestry.  asians are great!  it’s like a window into my alternate universe.  a possible answer to the question, “what woulda happened if my family never moved to the states.”  would i still have steered toward becoming a performer?  would i have had the chance to express myself authentically?

i could trip out on that for a loooong time.

hey, relax

just the other day, my girlfriend told me that they say it’s healthier when people are total sluts in their sex dreams. and i realized that i am a total fucking PRUDE in my dreams. beyond prude. i’m like permanently programmed in PG-13. i mean, i don’t even feel comfortable calling them sex dreams; they are THAT far from being anything that’s even remotely exciting. they’re totally prepubescent dreams. it’s like i’m still an 11 year old dreaming about Uncle Jesse in Full House. heh…that was such a good dream.

plus, this makes me realize there must be something deeper holding me back. some constructs created from my childhood or something. and maybe it’s holding me back in life too…in my enjoyment of life and in achieving my goals. and THAT, people, is no good. no good at all.

me having dreams tamer than what they can show on network television is pathetic and i’m going to do something about it! so i’m going to try lucid dreaming again. i had this book in high school that taught me about it, and after some practice, had really focused my mind to recognize when i was dreaming. a few times i was able to stay asleep (i would often wake up) after the realization.

i am putting my intention out there to relax and have more fun in my dreams. why deny? no. i’m TAKING what i want…i mean, it’s a freaking dream!!! nothing can go wrong — it’s all in your head! everyone should try this!!

I think this will be a good exercise in life too. you know…the going after what you want part. not…being a slut. necessarily.