bonkers you might say.

it’s the best.  i mean come on.  there’s nothing like embracing the madness.  it’s fun magnifying those insanity pepper type thoughts that sometimes swim around up there.  why the eff not?

i spent much of my youth having to restrain myself in this regard.  my parents used to call me “wild.”  i think i sometimes scared them a bit.  they told me that girls didn’t act so wild and crazy like i did.  i realize there were a lot of factors that influenced their belief of my wildness, including, but not limited to:  my parents being first generation immigrants from taiwan; growing up with an older brother; moving and changing schools A LOT; and we musn’t forget – our best friend – SUGAR (a.k.a. “pure evil”).  i will touch on this sugar thing again in another post i think, but right now i will just leave it at pure evil.

now, you might be imagining me tearing through life like a little asian chucky or something.  but it wasn’t so much like that.  i loved being girly and graceful too.  i fell in love with the image of ballerinas before i can even remember.  the lessons started at age 3.  i loved it so much.  i was good.  i learned fast.  my teachers noticed.  my little 3 year old ego was pumped to be leader of the goslings in our Mother Goose recital.

i could be light.

i could be gentle.

i could be poised.

but most importantly, i could walk like a cat because cat paws are like ballet feet.

meow.

see, a part of me will always see some weird benefit like that.  cuz ballet brings us THAT much closer to becoming pure feline.

obviously.

what was my point?  oh right.  well, i think i might be going through a weird spell.  no wait.  it’s not a spell, more like a surge, or a spark.  or an electrical anomaly.  not sure.  regardless, it’s happening and i refuse to fight it.  how all of this energy will present itself, i don’t know, but some of it is bubbling over into silly videos with mah gurl TAY TAY.  we’ll see what else spews out too.  BEWARE!

so come on!  pop a pepper or two, and get weird with me.  or you can just watch me and tay being weird in our second PATTAY video (here’s the first one).

chickens.

part of me wants to say i haven’t felt inspired.  but that isn’t true.  i’ve felt incredibly inspired.  in life.  the life out here — or more specifically out of here [the internets].

or have i?

this is probably very confusing to you, and i will do my best to explain.

i’ve been somewhat withdrawn from the [public] internet since i returned from Australia.  not intentionally, but i’ve noticed that i’m updating less often and “forgetting” to tweet etc.

however, i did start some new affairs and they are consuming so much of my brain/heart that perhaps this is why i’ve gone into hiding (lots of projects in the works fyi!).

thing is, i don’t want to update just for the sake of updating.  they say bloggers should update often to get the most traffic and adsense hits.  well, i don’t put ads on my page.  this is specifically for me to spew creative shit, let things off my chest, or for me to process experiences, so eff you blogger advice!  i’ll update when i want to update.  honestly, i don’t want my readers to have to navigate between ugly ads on my page.  i don’t want to manipulate ya’ll into clicking anything just so i make a few pennies.  my fortune will come through other avenues i know it.

but i guess i just don’t know how to share when i’m processing shit that’s very close to my heart.  can i really share that with the world?  i don’t mean to block you out of those experiences, but it’s not easy for me to share certain things.  but i’ll try.  i’ll try for you.

what i can assure you is that what’s going on with me is good.  scary.  fun.  beautiful…

gosh…what could that mean?

haha…well…i think i’m entertaining the art of love.

love.

love is so risky and beautiful and frighteningly intense.  i’ve been scared to love for a long time.  wait.  that’s not true.  actually, i love easily.  i believe that when we love unconditionally, the more unconditional love we receive.  i love my friends so much.  i love my family.  i love people i meet.  i love my kitties.  i love this city.  i love every opportunity that comes my way and i thank the universe for all these wonderful gifts.

but there is another level of love that i’ve been trying to understand and reach for much of my life.  an idealized love perhaps?  the love we’re supposed to find between two people and ONLY those two.  is it realistic?  i don’t know.  i can’t seem to understand…or at least i haven’t yet.  but i think part of the problem is HOW people love.  i think that sometimes people mistake possession and codependency for love.  i’ve certainly experienced this before in my previous relationships and FYI possessiveness is a surefire way to kill any relationship with moi.  maybe some bitches like being possessed a little but i can’t stand it.  get jealous and i’ll give you more reasons to be jealous.  ouch.  rebellion!!!

but…never possess me and i’ll be yours forever…

one thing i’ve learned about myself over the years is that i MUST always experience new things.  this realization about myself has created a fear that i will perpetually hurt people who come into my life.  as we thrust forward into the unknown, we sometimes leave others behind.  i’ve certainly felt this happen to some relationships and it’s not that i cared any less, it’s just that i was being called to another stage of life experience.  and sadly, sometimes the people we’re with don’t want to budge.

my intuition tells me that everything will be fine.  not just fine — AMAZING.  the thing is, each relationship we create with every new person is unduly unique, regardless of what type of dynamic — friendly, romantic, professional, etc.  and i LOVE that.  i CHERISH that.  and i truly believe that when you connect on the deepest level with people, it won’t matter anymore and you’ll all evolve and grow together.  the best friends that i have are all people that i trust to be there even if we sometimes lose touch for weeks.  they’re all incredibly creative people who are just as insane as i am.

all i can do is be true to myself.  make my intentions pure, and love unconditionally.  i practice every day.  what’s meant to happen always does.

so LOVE.

love limitlessly, love generously, love deeply…

i will keep practicing.  and i know someone out there will evolve with me, or better yet, inspire me to evolve.

besides baxter.

i’ve found the last several weeks a period of tremendous growth.  i have so many ideas and see so much potential in the world.  i can’t seem to put into words what i see, so i neglect to update my blog and all those other sharing tools.  it’s not that i forget.  actually i’m constantly wanting to share some news of success.  i forget that most people are more forgiving than i am myself.  some of my minor successes i write off, assuming you’d be bored of it.  another print job?  a commercial callback?  oh.  we already saw that before.

but it’s not you.  it’s me.  i’m the one who’s bored.  i’m the one who’s no longer impressed.  i want something new.

it’s time to level up.

is that why i’m running off to Australia?  to mingle with some new blood?  and maybe a koala or two?

funny though, i very well could book a commercial that makes me cut my trip to Australia short.  it’s actually very amusing to me, and i should just start buying insurance every time i book a flight because this has happened more than once before.

anyhow, one thing i do want to share in this awesomely random, awesomely boring blog, is that sometimes the universe reveals the very thing i’m asking for.  and it may not go exactly the way i want it to go, but i just have to trust that how it IS going will take me through all the steps needed to realize my vision.

i learned yesterday that i still have growing to do.

i am so lucky.  i am so happy.  i am so thankful for this lesson.

you have no idea what i’m talking about, but i promise that you will.

eventually.

such an interesting thing this fear feeling.  once upon a time, fear used to be a tool for our ancestors.  for them to learn and establish what was dangerous in the world.  fear helped to inform us and save lives.

so what about now?  now that we’re so rarely faced with clear, present, imminent danger, what does fear do?

well, i can only speak for myself, but sometimes it immobilizes.  it causes excessive rumination.  fear often becomes a mental concept, and it exists in varying degrees of my consciousness.  instead of fearing being attacked by a wild creature in the jungle, i fear that people will reject my ideas, or judge me.

each time this happens, i try to remind myself that what is really happening is that one of my other selves (oh yes, i have many – christ, why do you think i do what i do?) is still judging.  ME.  one of my selves that decided to be responsible for absorbing the world’s judgments along the way, sometimes turns on my other selves — who are inexplicably weird and expressive and just trying to have some fun.

it’s a bitch!

i’ve worked very hard over the years to overcome my fears and i am proud of where i’m at.  but it’s funny.  there’s still that inkling back there, that makes me hold back a little.

maybe it’s a good thing.  maybe it’s better that i don’t just put everything out there right away.  instead i sort of tease a little.  maybe it’s part of what makes all this sharing more exciting.  maybe i’ve found balance.

maybe all this pretense is just a way for me to be a little coy, so that when i drop a sexy photo, i don’t feel like a harlot.

maybe it’s no longer fear.   maybe i’ve just discovered my pace.  my boundaries.  and i decide when to push them.  maybe.  maybe.

maybe i should just share a goddamn photo already.

photo by leigha hodnet

i was momentarily frozen, unable to think of something to wager, almost overwhelmed by the playful competition.  i proclaimed that i was sooo NOT really a competitive person, which lead him to ask, “how can you not be competitive?  you’re job is all about competition!”

and well, the answer is…i am actually competitive.  but, with myself.  i am always feeling like i need to do better.  to do more.  to do something nobody else has done.  however, when it comes to feeling competitive toward my actual, living, breathing competitors — the ones i see at auditions, that are reading for and being seen for the same roles as me — well, i learned that it doesn’t serve me the slightest to focus on them in that way.  to pin myself against them.

funny thing is, i used to do this.  back when i FIRST started, i used to go on IMDb and creep around all the other asian chicks in my age range to see what they’ve done, who they were repped by, how long they’ve been doing this.  and you know what?  it was awful for me.  it made me insecure and worried about what i DIDN’T have under my belt yet.  what I HADN’T accomplished.

the best thing i can do for my work is keep finding new outlets for expression and meeting people who inspire me.  it also truly helps to feel like i have an audience, so i thank all of ya’ll who follow this damn thing.  seriously.  if you wanna get interactive on this shit…i’d love to hear from ya.

inspire me.

another from lee clower of course.  a previous shoot…

btw, if you wanna click on MY IMDb, please feel free…

THAT is what i think i need to do.  make a goddamn video.  but jeez…of course i have to have the most complicated idea ever that will require a ton of production…which means i need to make some serious scrill.  let me just tell you, last year was rough.  who am i kidding?  i ain’t rich.  i am so lucky i worked as much as i did last year, but most of my commercial work will only air in asia = no residuals.  STILL…i booked more jobs in 2009 than any previous year, so I am incredibly grateful.  thank you, universe, i heart you.

but i’m bored.  restless.  ready to sink.  in.  my.  teeth.

2010, i feel you.  you feel good to me.  let’s play.

i also had my first hate comment on youtube about my video.  wow…sometimes people are just really aggro.  i don’t get it.  why waste that energy?  if you don’t like something, don’t watch it.  but some people like to hate i guess.  but i’m not going to remove it.  with all the good sometimes comes bad.  this is inevitable.  however, i will draw the line somewhere and if there is ever something that is absolutely disgustingly jarring to the soul, i will remove it.  somethings are never meant to be spread.  ever.

if ya’ll feel like going to my video on youtube and burying the guy’s ugly comment with nice happy comments about how much you laughed, those are the ones that really bring a huge smile to my face!

oh yeah.  and the picture for today.

photo:  lee clower

now, i am NO youtube partner with a half million subscribers getting notified every time their favorite youtube celebrity posts something new.  i think i maybe had a dozen max subscribers when i put the video up  and that included my brother, a friend here or there, and maybe one or two viewers scavenged from superfuture.  OH, and my best friend’s mom.  yeah!!!

so because of this, i really didn’t expect it to spread so far this fast (glad i’m talking about a video here).  it’s really overwhelming to think about the seemingly endless space that is the internet and how information travels within it.  this is not to say i didn’t submit the video to some blogs myself, and my friends have been amazing and have been posting it on facebook and twitter and their blogs.  i mean, it’s not like i’ve gone onto kpop fansites and posed as a tween to show some people the vid on a boa forum or anything.  pshh… heh… i would NEVER do that… pff…  (can someone be arrested for that?)

either way, this shit is spreading.  and that, to me, is CRAYZAY.  and fun.  and exciting.  it makes me want to do more.  and be even riskier.  and weirder.  haha.

it’s also exciting to me that this might give asian artists more exposure in a way they maybe weren’t expecting.  some people probably don’t really get asian pop music, but i’m kinda seriously loving the crazy/cute/weird/fun stuff coming outta the land of my ancestry.  asians are great!  it’s like a window into my alternate universe.  a possible answer to the question, “what woulda happened if my family never moved to the states.”  would i still have steered toward becoming a performer?  would i have had the chance to express myself authentically?

i could trip out on that for a loooong time.

plus, this makes me realize there must be something deeper holding me back. some constructs created from my childhood or something. and maybe it’s holding me back in life too…in my enjoyment of life and in achieving my goals. and THAT, people, is no good. no good at all.

me having dreams tamer than what they can show on network television is pathetic and i’m going to do something about it! so i’m going to try lucid dreaming again. i had this book in high school that taught me about it, and after some practice, had really focused my mind to recognize when i was dreaming. a few times i was able to stay asleep (i would often wake up) after the realization.

i am putting my intention out there to relax and have more fun in my dreams. why deny? no. i’m TAKING what i want…i mean, it’s a freaking dream!!! nothing can go wrong — it’s all in your head! everyone should try this!!

I think this will be a good exercise in life too. you know…the going after what you want part. not…being a slut. necessarily.