so yeahhh…

the time finally came for me to vlog out. what kind of person does these things? these little vlog things?

me. apparently.

i mean, rather than start another written post saying long it’s been since i’ve blogged blah blah blah blah blah, i decided to just talk it out. OH BOY did i talk it out. BEWARE. 10 minutes of yours truly and that’s after editing it down.

you’re welcome.

and well, not to reveal anything in there, but you’ve probably already read about some of the shifts i’ve been going through and all i wanna say to preface my video (if it resonates with you) is that every person will find a way that works for him or her, but the key to all things in life is intention, and i only encourage each and every single one of you on your path to full health and happiness. i’ve picked up a LOT of tools in the last year that i will continue to share.

my growth involved many transitions and phases, but the one specific thing i cannot stress enough to every single person who reads this is to go ORGANIC and only support sustainable, HUMANE farming practices. do it for your body, for your children, for your future, for OUR future.

also, if there was one thing i did not mention in my video that i would say now is:

MORE ALIENS.

this will have more relevance in the near future, but leaving it at that for now.

i freaking love yous.

This decision is a devastating blow to our democracy and the basic rights of farmers to choose how they want to grow food on their land and protect the rights of consumers who are increasingly buying organic and sustainably grown food for its positive health and environmental impacts. Please join me in telling President Obama that you’re deeply disappointed in his decision and want a ban on GMO alfalfa.

My letter to the president:

Dear President Obama,

It was during your race for the presidency that i felt renewed hope in the future of our country. For the first time since seeing the world through the eyes of a naive little girl, I felt a renewed hope that we would together create a country that stands united for the betterment of mankind. I saw a glimmer of the future and I knew that you would be elected, and that you would be a beacon of light, who would inspire masses and bring forth great substantial change. I remember reassuring those who were still wrought with the old paradigm of fear that you would go on to lead us. I had unwavering faith.

When you came into office, I saw you and Michelle Obama as true examples of a new standard that all human beings should be held up to. Michelle’s leadership on the health front showed me it was possible that our leaders could truly care about the highest good of our citizens, rather than the pockets of the richest of rich.

When I learned about the Monsanto GMO alfalfa, the fear almost returned. I say almost because the fight isn’t over. But although I have no fear, much of that hope you once inspired was replaced with deep disappointment. Two years ago I would have NEVER imagined that your administration could possibly approve such a move. Perhaps that little girl in me, the idealistic dreamer, was unrealistic in believing that a historic president like you would be impervious to bending to the will of such powerhouses of control. I am saddened, and that little girl in me weeps for this fragment of broken dreams.

However, I want you to know that I believe the people will rise to the occasion. I believe that the people will vote with their dollars. I believe that we are the change we seek. Truly. Deeply. And while this plea to reverse your decision may fall on deaf ears, I am inspired and invigorated by the voice of the people who are standing up fearlessly for what is RIGHT. For what is in the best interest of the collective. And although this decision is a tremendous disappointment, it gives fuel to the movement and awakening of my fellow human beings. We refuse to be in chains and I promise that I will do everything in my power to help mankind, step by step, little by little, to free ourselves from the grasp of powers we did NOT choose in this lifetime. I do this for my parents. I do this for my future children. I do this for my neighbors. I do this for my country. I do this for my world. I do this for my planet. I do this for me. And I do this for you.

Thank you for what change you have brought into place so far. I encourage you to live fearlessly, President Obama. There is only now, and our purpose here is to live in truth.

Live truth. Live free. Live love.

Patty Yu

lots of stuff in this first month of 2011…where do i begin? i suppose first of all, you should know i discovered that all this time since high school i’ve been typing incorrectly and losing the hearts of typographers everywhere by putting not one, but TWO spaces after each period of a sentence. not my fault! thanks, north carolina typing class teacher. needless to say, i will NOT be going back through my whole blog to correct this travesty.

DEAL, typographers.

next on the list: the episode of BONES that i appeared in aired last week. wohoo! t’was a non-speaking co-star, but i mentioned previously about having to reshoot the “love” scene because it was too sexy. apparently, sex — according to FOX network — does not involve any movement whatsoever. the first time we shot it i was specifically requested to rock wit u, but then the second time i was explicitly told, “less gyrating.”

MAKE UP YOUR MINDS, FOX.

anyhow, here’s a screen-capture — click it to watch the full episode on imdb:

this episode is written by an asian american writer and contains some content that miiight be construed as stereotyping…i dunno you tell me haha (i will play dumb for now). i found it humorous (don’t like to take everything too seriously ya know?), but perhaps it’s a way to start a dialogue. thoughts? i would love to know what ya’ll think after you watch it…

AND THEN the last order of business is…wait for it…

DRUNKEN CHEF!

my friends Courtney and Jose created a web series of that very title, and it stars Jose, as himself, as The Drunken Chef. they asked me to guest star in this episode and we had a grand time shooting it. i was already well off the sauce when we shot this, although the crew (and drunken chef himself) enjoyed some beers. i think it was equally fun just pretending.

enjoy…

this doesn’t mean i NEVER did what i knew i had to do.  i did.  it just certainly took a while* even though i always knew in my heart who i could be.

i used to repeat my “story” as an excuse.

“Once upon a time… blah blah blah… and that’s how i got all fucked up in life, so that’s why i can’t be what you want me to be.”

ooh… that’s interesting.  “what you want me to be… “  that just sort of slipped out, but it’s profound.  why do we go through life thinking we need to be what others want us to be?  this is social conditioning i would say.  we’re usually raised by parents, who were raised by parents, who were raised by parents, and so on.  all of whom did their best to teach their children how to be, but maybe didn’t always have the best tools.  it’s not anyone’s fault.  every mother has been a daughter.  every father has been a son.  and they each and all have a story as well.

so when do we forgive our parents for “fucking us up” and move the fuck on?  well, there is only the now, my friends.

did you know that up until age six, a child’s brain frequency is constantly in theta?  this frequency allows our brains to absorb massive amounts of information that is stored in our long-term memories (in our subconscious minds).  it is an evolutionary gift, but most people have no idea about this.  i certainly didn’t — not until recently at least, due to my previously inactive brain waking up and hungering for masses of information.

ok, so what does this mean?  well, do you remember at any point of your childhood being told you couldn’t do/have something because you weren’t being good enough?  because you don’t deserve it?  were you ever told you were acting stupid?  or being crazy?  if you don’t remember this, just go to the supermarket and observe some young parents with their kids.  this is rampant in our world.

alas… if only we had known then how destructive this can be to a child.  the thing is, children don’t yet have a fully developed conscious mind yet at that age, and so they operate on many primal urges of wanting, being fearful, angry, envious, but also loving, caring, playful, and being all around little delights.

children ARE.  they are the quintessential example of how to just BE.

however, many parents (though meaning well) expect their little ones to be perfect NOW.  and so they unintentionally teach children that the natural, human, primal urge to feel every spectrum of emotion is somehow WRONG.  at that age, a child is really this wondrous, living-in-the-now, adorable little hard drive in constant download mode, taking in every word, every action, and every reaction that the parent is saying/having (both toward the child or toward his/her partner in front of the child).

to put it all together, when in theta brainwave frequency, a child’s brain stores EVERY SINGLE WORD AND ACTION it is exposed to.  and through various other kinds of patterns and conditioning that occur at that time, a child’s subconscious “personality” is formed.  have you not noticed how we sometimes become just like our parents or like the people who were most influential in our childhood lives?  it is not a coincidence that the most supported children grow up to be balanced, while those who experience traumas develop deep psychological issues.

WHEW.  ok.  this is not a lesson on parenting, i promise.  this is actually to give us all insight into why WE do the things we do.  why WE sabotage ourselves.  why WE may go through life knowing very well how amazing and powerful and creative we are, but then constantly “fucking up,” or making excuses for things.  it is insight into why we resist change so much.  we often know our full potential in our hearts, but we subconsciously resist changing all the bad habits that prevent us from being our highest selves.

why?  because we downloaded subconscious beliefs that we aren’t good enough.  that we aren’t smart enough.  that we’re messy.  wild.  crazy.

out. of. control.

sure we also downloaded a lot of good things.  great things.  amayyyyzing things!!!  but until we become conscious of that other stuff we unconsciously downloaded, we’ll continue to live two versions of ourselves.

who are you?  who do you want to be?

what’s keeping you from being the YOU you know you are?

check in with yourselves daily, my loves.  see yourself.  you are already your highest self.  the only thing in the way of you being the person you dream to be is just a program.  a mirage.  you have all the power in the world to re-program yourself.  focus on your true self.  know who you are.  is that you who reacts with a temper?  is that you who is out of control?  is that you who doesn’t believe you can do it?

i know that you know in your heart who you really are.  tap in.  feel yourself.  free yourself.  love yourself.  all of this was a lesson to learn that you have every ability to grow and change and then TEACH.  we are all teachers.  we are all conduits of love.

i love you so much.  i am you and you are me and without each other we wouldn’t exist.  for this reason i am so grateful for you.  so so grateful for you that i may experience this journey.  what an amazing journey this life is.  there is no reason to struggle against it, and all the reason to flow with it.  when you become aware of who you truly are, you begin to attract the riches of your imagination into your life effortlessly.  struggling is just another obstacle that we are creating.  the more we try, the more we are just trying!

so just do.  just be.  be you.  be that wonderful, amazing, loving you that i love so much.

because you are divine.

and remember that it will take effort.  but there are lots of tricks.  lots and lots of tricks my loves!

like bringing yourself back into theta frequency.  this is the frequency right before you go into deep sleep.  setting intentions, writing and visualizing the glorious being that you are right before bed is a fantastic start.  meditation!!!  even hypnotherapy**.  there are so many resources out there that help you deprogram negativo subconscious patterns.

so if any of this post resonates with you, i encourage you to explore yourself.  i see many people in my life doing this already, and i have no doubt that those of you i don’t know personally have been awakening as well.  all you creative, beautiful beings.

i love you all so much!

*i say here that it “took a while” but i must elaborate that i believe now that everything happened in exactly the amount of time it was meant to happen.  it always does for all of us.  it just is.  feeling that “urgency” was just another program!  now it’s time to feel the flow flow flow…

**a gift for you: audio hypnotherapy track.  put it on your itunes or put it on your phone/ipod and play it just as you’re about to go to sleep every night or when you have time to lie down for a nap during the day.  you don’t have to do anything else!  it sounds kind of intense if you listen to it at first, but it will take you into theta and deprograms negative subconscious beliefs.  i dare you to try to remain conscious throughout — it’s challenging!  OH and do not use while driving!

if you follow me on twitter or facebook, you have been privy to my barrage of various inspirational quotes of late.

how apropo carl, how apropo.

it’s true though, i have definitely been on an idealism binge.  this one is pretty serious.  i mean, i was always a super idealistic kid.  astrology will tell you it’s in my nature (sadge duh) and i have only ever continually validated that assumption throughout my life.  i mean look at what i’m setting out to do here.  it is an idealholic’s wet dream — cuz until you’re truly in it, this business makes no promises.  no promises at all.  not of fame and definitely not of fortune.

absolutely no guarantees except the one in my soul.

quote that motherfuckers!

my point is.  where do i draw a line?  sure, i am a hardcore idealism junkie at this point, but if i wasn’t i wouldn’t still be here chipping away and starting to see the budding fruits of my labor.  all my big dreams are the driving force behind so many of my actions, when otherwise i just wouldn’t care enough to try.  am i the only one here?  i guess you should know that my ideal vision is that of a long career based entirely from creative work.  i want to make life-long friends who inspire me, meet new people all the time, travel the world while doing it, and create fun, fulfilling, exciting projects, all the while spreading love and inspiration, and sharing what i have with the whole wide world.

is that so unrealistic???

yes, idealism is definitely like a drug sometimes.  i believe that at one point i abused idealism and i was so drunk and retarded on it that i thought things would just happen to me, and so maybe that meant i didn’t have to work so hard.  [maybe not so] coincidentally, that’s also when i was living a very i-don’t-give-a-fuck life where i would drink too much on a semi-regular basis, hold onto relationships that didn’t work, or even darker, walk a fine line between dating and being exploited.

[shudder]

ultimately that was by nobody but myself.

“Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.

ok, that one’s not jung, but it’s very relevant ok?  it was selfish.  all i was really doing was fueling my wussy addictions.  sure, i might not have been a coked out trainwreck, but the patterns that i was calling my “life” at the time were getting in the way of me actually doing anything REAL.  i was using.  whether it be substances (like alcohol or sugar), relationships, negative thought patterns, or self-sabotage, i was using those things to escape my responsibilities in creating the life i envision.  and that’s the difference.  when you use it correctly (medicinally?) idealism can be a tool used in actualizing your dreams.  the operative word being actualizing.  you cannot forge an acting [or any] career just based on dreaming alone.  you have to do a shit ton of work and when it comes to acting, much of that work is emotional and spiritual in nature.  you cannot be a miserable fuck and expect to get tons of acting roles NOT the part of “miserable fuck.”  it is just not possible.  at least not for me.  there are not slews of breakdowns calling for miserable fucking asian chicks, i can promise you that.

“Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darkness of other people. ” — Carl Jung

– and in an actor’s case, dealing with the darkness of characters you play.  see, there very well could be a role one day that calls for a miserable fuck, but what they don’t tell you is that usually, the actual miserable fuck doesn’t get the job and instead, the guy who gets it is that well balanced person who is able to access their inner miserable fuck because ultimately, nobody wants to hang around a real miserable fucking fuck.  YA FOLLOW?

SO, how do you become well balanced?

“There is no coming to consciousness without pain.” — Carl Jung

Oh, carl, you.  you’re right.  you’re always right!  It can be very painful to let go of things, emotions, patterns, and especially relationships.  but he’s right.  sometimes you have to let go of old attachments that no longer serve you (or worse, that enable toxic behavior) in order to progress to higher ground.  sigh.  C to the J you are the man.  if you were alive, i would sooo let you psychoanalyze the shit outta me.  HOT.

i recently stumbled upon this glorious page of quotes, after what was probably another late night psychoanalysis-based astrology bender, and i fell in lurrrrve.  carl speaks to me.  he describes all this shit that i had basically been going through on my own the last few years.  and since that fateful day, i have been quite quote-happy in hopes of inspiring others and to offer encouragement.  i see so much talent, creativity, and passion everyday from all kinds of people in all walks of life.  on the freaking internetz!  facepoo!  twatter!  i lurve youz!  it makes me so happy!!  ALL i want to do EVER is to encourage ya’ll to tap into your creative powers all the time!!!  together we can save the world!!!

oh silly sadge and her ideals.

and yes, carl, this means i do still heed your warning about idealism seriously, because the danger of living completely in the world of ideals is the risk of ending up being completely disconnected from the real world, never being happy with relationships, and/or missing out on the beauty of life that is happening in the HERE and NOW while chasing my idealistic dreams.  oh that and winding up alone and childless forever.  ouch.

so i am declaring my intention to fully awaken to the present, to enjoy life, and to always be grateful for what i have NOW.  and i encourage you to declare this intention as well.  the rest will follow.  i know this.  i trust this.

live this.

“Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart.  Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.” — C to the J

i also called sugar PURE EVIL.

no.  i won’t take it back.

i’ve thought a lot about how i would approach this blog post — more thought than i ever put into writing these things (usually it’s what i like to call written diarrhea. . . cuz i thought you needed that image in your mind just now).

anyhow, i realized that this would probably also become a post on body image, cuz let’s face it, the two are related and i am not afraid to talk about all the RETARDED SHIT that goes on in my head sometimes regarding my own body, and let me tell you, this business certainly isn’t the most sympathetic in regards to that, and I happen to be in it.

so a little background:  my family is chinese.  which means growing up, adults encourage you to eat A LOT OF FUCKING FOOD.  and then if you get fat, they all make fun of you.  and you can’t get offended.

that really didn’t apply to me personally because i was such a skinny freaking kid growing up that i developed a really nice positive relationship with food.  as in, i ate a LOT of it.  i took pride in my ability to eat so much for being so petite.  pound for pound i could probably destroy ALL of you in an eating contest.  i also had a lot of, erm, tummy issues growing up.  notice i say “tummy issues” now, when earlier i had no problem writing DIARRHEA in a metaphoric sense.  no matter, you get the idea.  we’ve ALL been there.  ahem.

in high school, i remember being called “skinny” a lot.  i feared that people would think i had an eating disorder after learning about them from teen magazines (they might as well send you a manual, i mean really).  so what did i do?  i binged.  i ate voraciously.  and with great vigor.  i bragged about how much i could eat.  i was very lucky because at home my mom always cooked healthy, wholesome, balanced meals (thank you mom, you saved my life and future), but when not eating my mom’s cooking, it was BAD.  LOTS of BAD FOOD.  Pizza, doritos, cheetos, pasta, white bread, twix, fries, and COCA COLA.  good god i loved coca cola.  BUT — i was also in dance, cheerleading, diving, and an overall active young person, so of course — i stayed small.

fast forward to post college, move to LA.  now the metabolism is slowing, now the physical activity is totally irregular or at some points nonexistent.  now my mom isn’t cooking for me anymore.  now i’m starting to notice…

i can’t just eat whatever the fuck i want anymore.

this is when things start to get screwy.

(i’m going to do my very best to explain my personal experience, because I cannot speak for anyone else, nor am I certified to give anyone health advice.  This is just MY experience and I’m going to be very honest with you.  I have body image issues just like anyone else.  I’ve worked really hard to temper an insane way of looking at my body and i like how i look — most of the time.  i still fight the very ugly dark side that creeps in and tells me i’m not good enough.  it happens.  reversing those thoughts require CONSISTENT and CONSTANT practice.  this is not something that just goes away.  i’ve learned that i have to WORK at it and i work HARD for it.)

so here i was, new to LA, new to an industry where appearance is everything, and new to my changing body chemistry.  this was a terrible combination.  i became obsessed, but i didn’t know how to regulate myself.  i thought i was eating pretty healthy, but not really.  i think at that point i had managed to just cut out the daily coca cola.  but, i still had a habit of binging every time i ate.  i didn’t know how to eat until i was satisfied.  i had to eat until i was uncomfortably full.  i would feel like crap and get depressed.  i would hate on myself and how i looked.  my skin would break out.  i would feel insecure at auditions.  i would isolate myself socially.  i would avoid being photographed.  i would go through some periods of being “good” and then fuck it all up.  i would go up and down just like all the bitches in gossip rags.  and if you’re wondering, that whole camera adds a few pounds thing?  IT’S TRUE.  unless your “type” calls for it, in this town you work less if your body fat percentage gets even in the higher “normal” range.  what a fucking shit conundrum.

but why the fuck couldn’t i control myself?????  that was the question.  my rational mind KNEW i was eating unhealthy, but i couldn’t seem to stop it.  it’s like being possessed.  ENTER the role of sugar, as PURE EVIL.

see, the turning point in my health was when a Chinese holistic doctor did this funky test on me and told me to basically stop eating everything i ate a lot of.  no more wheat, no caffeine, no red meat, no white rice, no processed foods.  avoid certain fruits like bananas, oranges, pineapple, and even certain veggies that were always my go-to veggies like spinach and broccoli*.  and that’s just a few things on the list.  he basically told me that my body was super toxic.  at the time i was suffering from the worst allergies of my life, and generally feeling SHITTAY all around.  so i decided to be REALLY good.  i followed the restrictions stringently for 3 months.  by the end of the 3 months i felt like a completely new person.  my allergies were much milder, i had more energy, my skin was luminous, and i felt GREAT.

over the next two years i experimented with items on the not-to-eat list to see where my limits were, and through this process i began to understand why he told me to stop about 80% of my forbidden food.  SUGAR.  most of that list was essentially sugar guised as something seemingly benign and harmless, like a baguette.  or orange juice — foods that convert to sugar quickly in our bodies.

the truth is:  I WAS A FULL FLEDGED SUGAR ADDICT IN DISGUISE.  here i am, a grown adult, solely responsible for my own health and happiness, and i had no idea that every time i put some kind of simple carb or high sugar fruit in my mouthhole that i triggered an old sugar addiction, which usually lead me to want MORE sugar, or hell, ANYTHING.  whatever was in front of me until it felt like my stomach would burst.  then i would hate myself.

rinse and repeat.

through this bouncing back and forth, i became conscious that in reality, i had developed this addiction myself.

SO, i decided i would eliminate it myself.

here is where you would think i’d be almost in the clear, but no… i was still being a sketchy lil bitch.  because here is where i discovered the CLEANSE.  oh yeah.  LA is the mecca of manic quick fixes — every detox and cleanse imaginable is COMPLETELY acceptable and ENCOURAGED.  fuck yeah, master cleanse, bring it on biatch!  being on my “health kick,” you betcha i did that cleanse and i felt like a million bucks afterward.  i also got to a desirable body fat percentage FAST .  which meant master cleanse = smack.  i do believe that the master cleanse is beneficial when done properly**, but let me be clear that i also believe it is easy to ABUSE the master cleanse for a quick fix.  and that is BAD.  but why?  i got great results AND i felt great.  i booked a ton of work.  double the pleasure.  the problem was, the cleanse is SO effective that it gave me an excuse to revert to my old habits.  to fall off the wagon per se.  but reverting to bad habits meant i would always require the cleanse to get BACK to the happy place.  and in between, i would just keep fucking it all up and feeling like shit.  it’s the whole yo-yo metaphor, or a pendulum, and the problem with that is when you let yourself swing, you’re tempting the inevitable hard-swing right back to that BAD place, where you end up struggling harder and harder to get back to the other side.  it’s a terrible cycle.

so i decided I’VE FUCKING HAD IT!!!!  i’m so sick of being stuck in the same stupid pattern that i put myself in!  i want to be strong, clean, and healthy.  and after some really HARD WORK, i feel i finally have it down.  i introduced FUN exercise by doing indoor rock climbing 2x a week for a month and watched my body transform right before my eyes.  i do daily core exercise at home on my exercise ball.  i go to the ymca every week.  i walk as much as i can to places i used to drive to.  i eat healthier than ever before, and i’m BETTER at eating.  i learned HOW my body burns food for ENERGY and i eat to maximize my metabolism (thank u google search).

how?  i always eat breakfast and AVOID SUGAR LIKE THE PLAGUE.  i drink more water and avoid too much salt.  i eat raw food on the regular.  i snack on healthy raw foods between meals to keep the blood sugar from dropping.  i eat good fats, like avocado, coconut, nuts.  i eat brown rice or quinoa for complex carbs and avoid white, starchy food.  i REFUSE to eat nasty processed packaged foods that are chock FULL of chemicals and bad oils, and — this has been a godsend for my skin — i have only had maybe two alcoholic beverages TOTAL in the last three months.

and it feels amazing.  i don’t feel at the mercy of some force beyond my control anymore, i don’t have uncontrollable urges to stuff my face because my blood sugar is nice and balanced ALL DAY LONG.  i have more energy — REAL ENERGY.  i hardly ever get sick anymore, my allergies are SO mild, and i just FEEL better.  all the time.  and I am the one creating this reality.

but don’t get me wrong, when you’re just starting, it can get ugly sometimes.  and sometimes when your body is eliminating toxins you can get sick.  REAL sick.  and your brain will try to trick you back into your old habits.  but you gotta get through to the other side and i promise it gets easier.

the only thing that was keeping me from achieving my goals was my old self.  this demon that i carried for a very long time, that i had always carried alone.

cuz skinny girls aren’t allowed to complain about their bodies.

i wonder what kind of repercussions there will be to writing a blog post like this, but i refuse to deny that these things affect me and i have to come clean also for my own health and progress.  cuz i’m human too.  and i can go to a dark place just as easily as any other person.  this is not just about weight people.***  this is about physical AND mental health.  i am healthier than i have ever been in both regards.

and i thought that maybe if i shared my experience — my mania — that maybe it can help someone else — anyone else — to learn how to become AWARE of his/her own body’s TRUE needs.  because i know that people out there are STRUGGLING and it’s NOT YOUR FAULT that sugar (and any refined or processed food) IS FUCKING EVIL.  it took me a long ass time to get here and i work on it day to day.  let me tell you, there’s nothing like a french fry to FUCK SHIT UP and make me feel outta control sometimes, but i can’t always beat myself up.  and it’s not the french fry either.  it’s ME.  and now that i know who i am, and who i want to become, no french fry will ever take that away from me.

i’m taking control of my life and i’m MAKING myself who i KNOW i can be.  in ALL aspects of my life.

and SO CAN YOU.

this may just be a goddamn blog, the voice of just one person, some random, crazy biatch with a lotta weird shit going on, but i say with utmost sincerity that I BELIEVE IN YOU.  i really do.

all you gotta do is do.

so do do.

get it?  (couldn’t help myself)

xoxoxxooxxxoxooxooo

*sure broccoli and spinach are awesome, but not if that’s the only two veggies you eat.  my ah-ha moment came when i was grocery shopping with my forbidden food list and realized i ate the same shit all the time.  diversifying your fresh food intake means giving yourself a more balanced, natural source of vitamins and minerals, see?

**i do thank the master cleanse for showing me what it actually felt like to be CLEAN (gave me something to strive for).  it also tests your psychological urges to eat — you realize where all your urges come from and i promise it ain’t always hunger.  i’m not surprised that many religions practice fasting for spiritual cleansing.  wow.  after a cleanse you feel like a fucking god (once the detox period is over).  but until you change your lifestyle, doing a cleanse is really just a temporary fix.

***compared to when i was using the cleanse to “reset,” i am now about 10 lbs heavier but fitting the same clothes (and better) because i gained muscle mass, which has helped me to lean up in a healthier, more natural, and more sustainable way.

yeah.

you.

accept that it is your birthright to have a beautiful, fun, fullfilling life.

look for joy instead of disappointment.

be inspired by the things that you see in the world.

be inspired by things that affect you.

it is ok for you to feel those things.

it is OK for you to FEEL.

you need to.  for a reason.

that feeling is a message.  and it has nothing to do with this or that or him or her.  it has to do with you.  it is a clue to your innermost secrets and desires.  a clue to your true power.  these clues can help you unlock great powers and heal old wounds if you can just step back and see where they guide you.

sometimes we feel things and they don’t feel comfortable.  our minds race to give meaning to those feelings, grasping at the first object, person, or substance to project onto or escape with.  this is very damaging behavior to our own souls as well as to our relationships with others.  we think we’re “figuring out” those feelings, thus eliminating them, but in reality we’ve barely skimmed the surface.  and they’re still there.  and they’ll keep coming up.  maybe about something else next time.

look within your heart.  ask yourself WHY.

you owe it to yourself to understand what it is exactly you are afraid of so that you can overcome it.  use those clues.  that’s when you will know yourself.  and when you know yourself, you will attract everything and everyone best for you…

and all your fears will release.

most of you are probably like, “WTF is this bitch talking about?”  but i was inspired to write, and this is intended to be helpful and healing to any of you who connect with it.  for those of you who don’t…

well it is the internetz after all.

(honestly, i could keep going on, but then i’ll get all gooshy and sentimental about how much i love everyone like the fucking clean hippie i am.)  luv yous.

bonkers you might say.

it’s the best.  i mean come on.  there’s nothing like embracing the madness.  it’s fun magnifying those insanity pepper type thoughts that sometimes swim around up there.  why the eff not?

i spent much of my youth having to restrain myself in this regard.  my parents used to call me “wild.”  i think i sometimes scared them a bit.  they told me that girls didn’t act so wild and crazy like i did.  i realize there were a lot of factors that influenced their belief of my wildness, including, but not limited to:  my parents being first generation immigrants from taiwan; growing up with an older brother; moving and changing schools A LOT; and we musn’t forget – our best friend – SUGAR (a.k.a. “pure evil”).  i will touch on this sugar thing again in another post i think, but right now i will just leave it at pure evil.

now, you might be imagining me tearing through life like a little asian chucky or something.  but it wasn’t so much like that.  i loved being girly and graceful too.  i fell in love with the image of ballerinas before i can even remember.  the lessons started at age 3.  i loved it so much.  i was good.  i learned fast.  my teachers noticed.  my little 3 year old ego was pumped to be leader of the goslings in our Mother Goose recital.

i could be light.

i could be gentle.

i could be poised.

but most importantly, i could walk like a cat because cat paws are like ballet feet.

meow.

see, a part of me will always see some weird benefit like that.  cuz ballet brings us THAT much closer to becoming pure feline.

obviously.

what was my point?  oh right.  well, i think i might be going through a weird spell.  no wait.  it’s not a spell, more like a surge, or a spark.  or an electrical anomaly.  not sure.  regardless, it’s happening and i refuse to fight it.  how all of this energy will present itself, i don’t know, but some of it is bubbling over into silly videos with mah gurl TAY TAY.  we’ll see what else spews out too.  BEWARE!

so come on!  pop a pepper or two, and get weird with me.  or you can just watch me and tay being weird in our second PATTAY video (here’s the first one).

chickens.

part of me wants to say i haven’t felt inspired.  but that isn’t true.  i’ve felt incredibly inspired.  in life.  the life out here — or more specifically out of here [the internets].

or have i?

this is probably very confusing to you, and i will do my best to explain.

i’ve been somewhat withdrawn from the [public] internet since i returned from Australia.  not intentionally, but i’ve noticed that i’m updating less often and “forgetting” to tweet etc.

however, i did start some new affairs and they are consuming so much of my brain/heart that perhaps this is why i’ve gone into hiding (lots of projects in the works fyi!).

thing is, i don’t want to update just for the sake of updating.  they say bloggers should update often to get the most traffic and adsense hits.  well, i don’t put ads on my page.  this is specifically for me to spew creative shit, let things off my chest, or for me to process experiences, so eff you blogger advice!  i’ll update when i want to update.  honestly, i don’t want my readers to have to navigate between ugly ads on my page.  i don’t want to manipulate ya’ll into clicking anything just so i make a few pennies.  my fortune will come through other avenues i know it.

but i guess i just don’t know how to share when i’m processing shit that’s very close to my heart.  can i really share that with the world?  i don’t mean to block you out of those experiences, but it’s not easy for me to share certain things.  but i’ll try.  i’ll try for you.

what i can assure you is that what’s going on with me is good.  scary.  fun.  beautiful…

gosh…what could that mean?

haha…well…i think i’m entertaining the art of love.

love.

love is so risky and beautiful and frighteningly intense.  i’ve been scared to love for a long time.  wait.  that’s not true.  actually, i love easily.  i believe that when we love unconditionally, the more unconditional love we receive.  i love my friends so much.  i love my family.  i love people i meet.  i love my kitties.  i love this city.  i love every opportunity that comes my way and i thank the universe for all these wonderful gifts.

but there is another level of love that i’ve been trying to understand and reach for much of my life.  an idealized love perhaps?  the love we’re supposed to find between two people and ONLY those two.  is it realistic?  i don’t know.  i can’t seem to understand…or at least i haven’t yet.  but i think part of the problem is HOW people love.  i think that sometimes people mistake possession and codependency for love.  i’ve certainly experienced this before in my previous relationships and FYI possessiveness is a surefire way to kill any relationship with moi.  maybe some bitches like being possessed a little but i can’t stand it.  get jealous and i’ll give you more reasons to be jealous.  ouch.  rebellion!!!

but…never possess me and i’ll be yours forever…

one thing i’ve learned about myself over the years is that i MUST always experience new things.  this realization about myself has created a fear that i will perpetually hurt people who come into my life.  as we thrust forward into the unknown, we sometimes leave others behind.  i’ve certainly felt this happen to some relationships and it’s not that i cared any less, it’s just that i was being called to another stage of life experience.  and sadly, sometimes the people we’re with don’t want to budge.

my intuition tells me that everything will be fine.  not just fine — AMAZING.  the thing is, each relationship we create with every new person is unduly unique, regardless of what type of dynamic — friendly, romantic, professional, etc.  and i LOVE that.  i CHERISH that.  and i truly believe that when you connect on the deepest level with people, it won’t matter anymore and you’ll all evolve and grow together.  the best friends that i have are all people that i trust to be there even if we sometimes lose touch for weeks.  they’re all incredibly creative people who are just as insane as i am.

all i can do is be true to myself.  make my intentions pure, and love unconditionally.  i practice every day.  what’s meant to happen always does.

so LOVE.

love limitlessly, love generously, love deeply…

i will keep practicing.  and i know someone out there will evolve with me, or better yet, inspire me to evolve.

besides baxter.

i’ve found the last several weeks a period of tremendous growth.  i have so many ideas and see so much potential in the world.  i can’t seem to put into words what i see, so i neglect to update my blog and all those other sharing tools.  it’s not that i forget.  actually i’m constantly wanting to share some news of success.  i forget that most people are more forgiving than i am myself.  some of my minor successes i write off, assuming you’d be bored of it.  another print job?  a commercial callback?  oh.  we already saw that before.

but it’s not you.  it’s me.  i’m the one who’s bored.  i’m the one who’s no longer impressed.  i want something new.

it’s time to level up.

is that why i’m running off to Australia?  to mingle with some new blood?  and maybe a koala or two?

funny though, i very well could book a commercial that makes me cut my trip to Australia short.  it’s actually very amusing to me, and i should just start buying insurance every time i book a flight because this has happened more than once before.

anyhow, one thing i do want to share in this awesomely random, awesomely boring blog, is that sometimes the universe reveals the very thing i’m asking for.  and it may not go exactly the way i want it to go, but i just have to trust that how it IS going will take me through all the steps needed to realize my vision.

i learned yesterday that i still have growing to do.

i am so lucky.  i am so happy.  i am so thankful for this lesson.

you have no idea what i’m talking about, but i promise that you will.

eventually.