CutebutDeadly.net

maybe

fear.

such an interesting thing this fear feeling.  once upon a time, fear used to be a tool for our ancestors.  for them to learn and establish what was dangerous in the world.  fear helped to inform us and save lives.

so what about now?  now that we’re so rarely faced with clear, present, imminent danger, what does fear do?

well, i can only speak for myself, but sometimes it immobilizes.  it causes excessive rumination.  fear often becomes a mental concept, and it exists in varying degrees of my consciousness.  instead of fearing being attacked by a wild creature in the jungle, i fear that people will reject my ideas, or judge me.

each time this happens, i try to remind myself that what is really happening is that one of my other selves (oh yes, i have many – christ, why do you think i do what i do?) is still judging.  ME.  one of my selves that decided to be responsible for absorbing the world’s judgments along the way, sometimes turns on my other selves — who are inexplicably weird and expressive and just trying to have some fun.

it’s a bitch!

i’ve worked very hard over the years to overcome my fears and i am proud of where i’m at.  but it’s funny.  there’s still that inkling back there, that makes me hold back a little.

maybe it’s a good thing.  maybe it’s better that i don’t just put everything out there right away.  instead i sort of tease a little.  maybe it’s part of what makes all this sharing more exciting.  maybe i’ve found balance.

maybe all this pretense is just a way for me to be a little coy, so that when i drop a sexy photo, i don’t feel like a harlot.

maybe it’s no longer fear.   maybe i’ve just discovered my pace.  my boundaries.  and i decide when to push them.  maybe.  maybe.

maybe i should just share a goddamn photo already.

photo by leigha hodnet

tempered egos

i was joking around with a friend yesterday — having some faux-competitive ego flexing — when he asked me what i wanted for stakes.

i was momentarily frozen, unable to think of something to wager, almost overwhelmed by the playful competition.  i proclaimed that i was sooo NOT really a competitive person, which lead him to ask, “how can you not be competitive?  you’re job is all about competition!”

and well, the answer is…i am actually competitive.  but, with myself.  i am always feeling like i need to do better.  to do more.  to do something nobody else has done.  however, when it comes to feeling competitive toward my actual, living, breathing competitors — the ones i see at auditions, that are reading for and being seen for the same roles as me — well, i learned that it doesn’t serve me the slightest to focus on them in that way.  to pin myself against them.

funny thing is, i used to do this.  back when i FIRST started, i used to go on IMDb and creep around all the other asian chicks in my age range to see what they’ve done, who they were repped by, how long they’ve been doing this.  and you know what?  it was awful for me.  it made me insecure and worried about what i DIDN’T have under my belt yet.  what I HADN’T accomplished.

the best thing i can do for my work is keep finding new outlets for expression and meeting people who inspire me.  it also truly helps to feel like i have an audience, so i thank all of ya’ll who follow this damn thing.  seriously.  if you wanna get interactive on this shit…i’d love to hear from ya.

inspire me.

another from lee clower of course.  a previous shoot…

btw, if you wanna click on MY IMDb, please feel free…

I ain’t talkin’ bubble baths

i have been feeling stretched a little…so much going on.  mom, birthdays, weddings, parties, shows, friends, babies…so many people to see…friends i miss.  but  it’s making me crave some ‘ME’ time.  you know, like…a nice long day to myself where i do all kinds of weird shit around the house.  “clean.”  dance around.  rifle through old stuff.  take self portraits.  write.  make a video.

THAT is what i think i need to do.  make a goddamn video.  but jeez…of course i have to have the most complicated idea ever that will require a ton of production…which means i need to make some serious scrill.  let me just tell you, last year was rough.  who am i kidding?  i ain’t rich.  i am so lucky i worked as much as i did last year, but most of my commercial work will only air in asia = no residuals.  STILL…i booked more jobs in 2009 than any previous year, so I am incredibly grateful.  thank you, universe, i heart you.

but i’m bored.  restless.  ready to sink.  in.  my.  teeth.

2010, i feel you.  you feel good to me.  let’s play.

Flex Yo Hustle Muscle

today was one of those days of runnin’ round — flexin’ that hustle muscle.  i finally had a commercial audition, which is great…haven’t had one in weeks.  and it seemed to go well!  i’ll keep you posted about that.

i also had my first hate comment on youtube about my video.  wow…sometimes people are just really aggro.  i don’t get it.  why waste that energy?  if you don’t like something, don’t watch it.  but some people like to hate i guess.  but i’m not going to remove it.  with all the good sometimes comes bad.  this is inevitable.  however, i will draw the line somewhere and if there is ever something that is absolutely disgustingly jarring to the soul, i will remove it.  somethings are never meant to be spread.  ever.

if ya’ll feel like going to my video on youtube and burying the guy’s ugly comment with nice happy comments about how much you laughed, those are the ones that really bring a huge smile to my face!

oh yeah.  and the picture for today.

photo:  lee clower

like… an infection?

the last week has been nutso.  i released my video into the wild on Sunday, July 26th and eight days later today (Aug 4th) it has already close to 20,000 views.

now, i am NO youtube partner with a half million subscribers getting notified every time their favorite youtube celebrity posts something new.  i think i maybe had a dozen max subscribers when i put the video up  and that included my brother, a friend here or there, and maybe one or two viewers scavenged from superfuture.  OH, and my best friend’s mom.  yeah!!!

so because of this, i really didn’t expect it to spread so far this fast (glad i’m talking about a video here).  it’s really overwhelming to think about the seemingly endless space that is the internet and how information travels within it.  this is not to say i didn’t submit the video to some blogs myself, and my friends have been amazing and have been posting it on facebook and twitter and their blogs.  i mean, it’s not like i’ve gone onto kpop fansites and posed as a tween to show some people the vid on a boa forum or anything.  pshh… heh… i would NEVER do that… pff…  (can someone be arrested for that?)

either way, this shit is spreading.  and that, to me, is CRAYZAY.  and fun.  and exciting.  it makes me want to do more.  and be even riskier.  and weirder.  haha.

it’s also exciting to me that this might give asian artists more exposure in a way they maybe weren’t expecting.  some people probably don’t really get asian pop music, but i’m kinda seriously loving the crazy/cute/weird/fun stuff coming outta the land of my ancestry.  asians are great!  it’s like a window into my alternate universe.  a possible answer to the question, “what woulda happened if my family never moved to the states.”  would i still have steered toward becoming a performer?  would i have had the chance to express myself authentically?

i could trip out on that for a loooong time.

hey, relax

just the other day, my girlfriend told me that they say it’s healthier when people are total sluts in their sex dreams. and i realized that i am a total fucking PRUDE in my dreams. beyond prude. i’m like permanently programmed in PG-13. i mean, i don’t even feel comfortable calling them sex dreams; they are THAT far from being anything that’s even remotely exciting. they’re totally prepubescent dreams. it’s like i’m still an 11 year old dreaming about Uncle Jesse in Full House. heh…that was such a good dream.

plus, this makes me realize there must be something deeper holding me back. some constructs created from my childhood or something. and maybe it’s holding me back in life too…in my enjoyment of life and in achieving my goals. and THAT, people, is no good. no good at all.

me having dreams tamer than what they can show on network television is pathetic and i’m going to do something about it! so i’m going to try lucid dreaming again. i had this book in high school that taught me about it, and after some practice, had really focused my mind to recognize when i was dreaming. a few times i was able to stay asleep (i would often wake up) after the realization.

i am putting my intention out there to relax and have more fun in my dreams. why deny? no. i’m TAKING what i want…i mean, it’s a freaking dream!!! nothing can go wrong — it’s all in your head! everyone should try this!!

I think this will be a good exercise in life too. you know…the going after what you want part. not…being a slut. necessarily.