CutebutDeadly.net

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kiss me
      until
            i
              taste blood
           through
         my
      skin
    .




(2005)

Want Some Buns To Go?

You can now download the song BaO Eat You Up for FREE!!!

This is so fun you guys….i am just all smiles the last four days.  Over 9000 hits in four days???  Considering i started with about 12 youtube subscribers, that is freakin RAD!!!  Soooo happy!  You guys are all the bomb and thank you so much for all the comments and messages!  Let’s go to Din Tai Fung!!!

JULY 25th is the big day!!!

HOLY MOLY. i set a release date for my video!!! I will be putting the video out on the evening of July 25th. I’m so freaking excited i can’t even put it into words!!

If any of ya’ll are just tuning in, I am talking about my first self-produced project that I also star in as well. In this little pet project of mine, I am spoofing a very well known pop princess in Asia. Working on this thing has been the most fun I’ve had probably since I was a kid…I think I almost peed my pants about a dozen times, I laughed so hard during the shoot.

So, stay tuned and you’ll be able to see it soooooooon!

screen capture from the vid:

just say no

i don’t watch tv at home. maybe that’s crazy, but i just can’t have it anymore. i wind up addicted to the worst kind of shows. i mean, Daisy of Love? thank god i don’t have tv because i would watch the shit out of that kind of garbage. ugh the shame i would feel.

so instead, i end up toiling away hours on facebook and twitter. a much healthier preoccupation OBVIOUSLY.

my point.

oh.

actually, it was about michael jackson. so even though i don’t have tv, i often wander over to my next door neighbor’s place and can’t help but absorb some filth over there because her tv is on TWENTY FOUR SEVEN.

so serious i have to use all caps.

and lately, i’ve gotten sucked into watching coverage on MJ, because…who wouldn’t? it’s getting so ugly, really…the rumors, all the images they flash of him, the freaking dermatologist on larry king — how much do you think he got paid for that interview? that’s what i wanna know.

today i actually felt physically ill after catching a portion of that interview. all these people scrutinizing, trying to figure it all out, trying to find the ugliest, darkest, nastiest side to it all.

*shudders*

poor michael. as if he hasn’t had the most bizarre life experience already, with the fame, abuse, illness, the skin disease, the body dysmorphic disorder. now in death he’s still under a microscope…and more ruthlessly exploited than before.

i truly hope that he has found peace, and that he has already escaped far far away from this place and all our disgustingly shallow human obsessions.

magic

the last few weeks have been intense. they were some of the most gratifying days of my life, and some of the most stressful.

but i did it!

in a few short weeks i somehow managed to take an idea and turn it into a real production. and not only that, but i found the most amazing team of people i could ask for to do this on a shoestring budget. i mean, it wasn’t cheap…and i’m no moneybags right now, but i believed in the project, so i was willing to go for it.

all in all, i have learned soooo much about producing. one thing i realized is that there is always potential for something to get fucked up. for example, i lost location after location after location until finally finding a PERFECT spot downtown, literally 2 days before the shoot. S-T-R-E-S-S-F-U-L.

but i pulled it off. i wanted to jump right into editing, but i had to go up to my cousins wedding in San Fran, which turned out to be the perfect mini-vacation before jumping headfirst into this whole post production process. whew!

so…it will be put up as soon as it’s done, my pretties…as soon as it’s done…muah hahaha…

i will also be editing a few other vlaaaahgs to put up between now and then…wohoo!

p

thoughts for her

it almost seems inappropriate to talk about now that she’s gone. but since i wrote previous entries about her, i feel like i kind of need to let the people who read about her know that she’s finally left us.

tonight when i got home from work, i saw the message from my mom that my grandma had passed away. as much as i knew in my heart that she is in a much better place, i still cried…and felt…selfish…for feeling sad. if i was to only feel for her, i should be happy…because she can finally be at peace. the sadness is for my own feelings of loss. a loss of history. of culture.

i wish i had known her better. i wish i had seen her when she was young. i wish i had known her then. i wish i could have talked with her more. i wish i had spoken her language. especially now that she’s gone, it is even more apparent that i hardly knew her at all.

i want to tell her that she’s amazing for raising six children on her own, running a farm after my grandfather passed away so young. i want her to know that she is a part of me. i want to thank her for giving me my mother.

the important thing is that my mom is ok. and probably…relieved. it was incredibly difficult for her to see my grandma suffering.

if any of you are reading, please just send a good thought out to my grandma and my mom too. thanks everybody…

patty

Oh Fuck!

My DAD joined facebook! wtf??? what once was a safe haven amongst friends to post whatever shenanigans and perhaps the occasional inappropriate photo is now in full view of my DAD. are you even that cool, dad? when did that happen?? and why weren’t you cool when i was in high school and living in a virtual lockdown asian family style? coulda used your hidden coolness then when i would beg and plead to just go to the MALL on the freaking weekends, let alone a party once in a….NEVER!!!??

i mean, i can’t feasibly reject his friend request, can i?

but of course i added him. oy.

Grandma Update

MY GRANDMA WOKE UP!!!!! i wish it had been while i was in taiwan, but the good news is that she’s conscious, she can speak and move her arms, but she’s pretty out of it. she needs dialysis every couple days, but she’s breathing on her own. talk about a tough cookie at age 93. maybe we can squeeze a few more good years out of her. it’s hard to say. but at least my family gets to hang with her some more.

ahhhh…..stateside again

i’m back! got home on friday and proceeded to go to my day er, night job bartending at the hotel cafe. what was i thinking??? exhaustion aside, i made some much needed cash.

before i go about my usual routine, i want to post a few pictures from my trip. this little one on the left here was me dicking around outside my grandma’s house. during our last trip into the country, we visited my mom’s cousin’s house. he has 6 daughters and one son, several of whom are married with children. all of these adults were milling about, but they mostly speak taiwanese so i have a hard time communicating with them, plus the big culture clash. i’m the “american cousin” and noone really knows how to interact with me very well.

at one point one of the little kids comes and asks me to go outside to play with the dog. i go out there and these five kids ranging from the ages of 5-9 start playing with me and we run to the elementary school close by. it was by far the most fun part of the trip. i didn’t worry about not being able to answer any questions or if my chinese was ok. we just played…like kids! once again–like i was a child again! they loved when i took their pictures, so i took a bunch. i just want to share a few. the last one is my favorite–you can already see their individual personalities…so cool!

Flashback

i’m still in taiwan, spending some family time with my bro and the ‘rents. in many ways, it’s like i’m home in north carolina or something. rather than trying to go into taipei every opportunity like i did the last two years i visited taiwan, we’ve just been hanging a lot at home watching movies on the english channels. it’s a sign of the times when 3/4 of us are glued to our laptops. but even my mom gets skype calls from her friends in NC. pretty funny if you think about it.

something struck me today, while i rode in the backseat to freaking costco of all places…haha. mom was driving, dad was in the passenger seat, and as i took in the scenery it dawned on me how i felt just like a kid again. i was riding with mom and dad while they talked about stuff in chinese. being here, i can’t really do anything on my own. i mean, i can speak mandarin conversationally, but i can’t read or write it. it would be really hard to navigate anywhere beyond taipei city. so it occurred to me how much i felt like a child. so dependent on my parents for EVERYTHING.

in a way, i’m totally realizing a fantasy that i conjured around christmastime–partly why i decided to stop drinking and smoking–of reverting to a youthful sobriety, where life experiences were all i got drunk on. i wanted this because i can remember an intensity of passion and belief i had in myself and all my dreams when i was a kid. i’m not saying i was free of insecurities and self-consciousness when i was young–far from it. but along with those things, i also had this unwavering belief in myself and my dreams. and i dreamt BIG. HUGE.

somewhere in between then and now, i sold myself short a little bit. i had to convince myself of what i could accomplish instead of just KNOWING it. i know now that it’s partly because i found out how much i DIDN’T know about the business, and didn’t know HOW to go after what i believed in. it’s also partly because i just got rusty and out of practice. the good thing is that it’s shifted again. i know what i want, i know what i can do, and i know that i will do it.

even though i have to find new representation now, during a very challenging time for actors, i am more excited than i have ever been about my career. i am so excited to find an agency on my own–to meet with agents and to pitch myself and my ideas. aack!! i can’t wait to get back to LA!!!