Some years ago I had these two phrases tattooed to my forearms to remind me that I came here to die. Such a statement could be perceived as shocking but it’s true. I give thanks that somehow, through the fog of my once hyper-dulled and culturally medicated reality, my higher self revealed to me that the pain of death and transformation is inevitable in this realm. That I would not be able to avoid pain forever. That I could even learn to welcome pain as a teacher, and a sign of healing, growth, and evolution. My higher self also cultivated within my heart the understanding that suffering would be my choice if I wished to experience it. This mantra allowed me to dive into the pain I felt then, and rebirth myself into who I am now.
Come 2013…where I would experience pain again.
There is pain – the kind that makes you laugh at yourself for a silly bumped elbow. The kind that causes a slight gasp to escape from your lips. Or the kind that causes you to pour forth a combination of agony and ecstasy.
Then there is the kind of pain that stops you in your tracks. That makes you forget to breathe. A blinding pain that you feel through the infinite echoes of the Universe. The kind of pain that can send you momentarily to the other side just to wake you back up. WAKE UP! Stop. Breathe. This is the kind of pain that feels like a sure sign from the Universe to STOP. STOP what you are doing right NOW. Go no further until you have gotten to the ROOT of this…not later, but NOW.
Aye…I hear youniverse. I bow to you humbly now…please help me heal. I receive you in all your wisdom.
This healing path is often a confusing one…moments of rapture, ecstasy, bliss, mingling with momentary egoic certainty that there is some answer…some solution. Every time I feel certain about anything, the Universe gives me a reason to QUEST-ion again.
As I FEEL into pain…FEEL into my root connection with the Earth, I real-EYES I am feeling her. Momma I am feeling you. I am so sorry, please forgive me. Thank you, I love you. I am so grateful for this piece of you that you have kindly lent to me for this lifetime. This piece of you that I get to pilot and dance through the ether in the most magnificent grandest show of this lifetime upon lifetimes.
Thank you for showing me where I have been disconnected at my root…fearful. I thank you for inviting me to see what I was not letting myself see. I forgive myself and all. Thank you for the honor of giving me sight to see all that came before me, and all that will come after. I grieve for all the mothers lost on the journey. I give thanks for the ability to FEEL such grief and loss through this temporary experience of separation. I revel in the sweet bliss of agony. What a blessing it is to feel anything at all.
I also thank you for inviting me to feel into the depths of my third chakra storms…weathering the core of my existence in a full tantrum of rebirth stewing in the cauldron of my belly. My weakened armies of invisible soldiers finally standing up and demanding to be restored and replenished. Declaring WE ARE! Yes my darlings, we are and I AM! Proclaiming with determinism and force to change and heal in this NOW. I am sorry I neglected you and failed to provide what you need, severely limited by own stubborn mind. I now SEE…I’m here for you.
Thank you thank you thank you for the divine intelligence of the body, always doing its best at all times to serve our existence here on this Earth. Thank you thank you thank you for challenging me to step up to my highest choices…for me AND for momma Earth. I hear you. I honor you. I serve you. I serve US.
It has become quite abundantly clear that if I am to share my gifts with this world, that I must heal my root connection with the Earth. I also fully accept my role as a divine creator of my own reality…and I thank you for showing me that it all begins with my WILL. My CHOICE. My choices every day, every moment.
Life is oh so precious. I choose to honor this life always in all ways. Thank you for this magnificent experience. Blessed journey to us all.
Painting: Frida Kahlo
UPDATE: I have since began a healing journey from something called CANDIDA. Here is a video blog I made to describe my journey:
If you think you have candida (it is WAY more common than you might think) and you would like to know how I healed myself from candida, visit this link: http://bit.ly/12PeTD6.
This is so fun you guys….i am just all smiles the last four days. Over 9000 hits in four days??? Considering i started with about 12 youtube subscribers, that is freakin RAD!!! Soooo happy! You guys are all the bomb and thank you so much for all the comments and messages! Let’s go to Din Tai Fung!!!
HOLY MOLY. i set a release date for my video!!! I will be putting the video out on the evening of July 25th. I’m so freaking excited i can’t even put it into words!!
If any of ya’ll are just tuning in, I am talking about my first self-produced project that I also star in as well. In this little pet project of mine, I am spoofing a very well known pop princess in Asia. Working on this thing has been the most fun I’ve had probably since I was a kid…I think I almost peed my pants about a dozen times, I laughed so hard during the shoot.
So, stay tuned and you’ll be able to see it soooooooon!
i don’t watch tv at home. maybe that’s crazy, but i just can’t have it anymore. i wind up addicted to the worst kind of shows. i mean, Daisy of Love? thank god i don’t have tv because i would watch the shit out of that kind of garbage. ugh the shame i would feel.
so instead, i end up toiling away hours on facebook and twitter. a much healthier preoccupation OBVIOUSLY.
actually, it was about michael jackson. so even though i don’t have tv, i often wander over to my next door neighbor’s place and can’t help but absorb some filth over there because her tv is on TWENTY FOUR SEVEN.
so serious i have to use all caps.
and lately, i’ve gotten sucked into watching coverage on MJ, because…who wouldn’t? it’s getting so ugly, really…the rumors, all the images they flash of him, the freaking dermatologist on larry king — how much do you think he got paid for that interview? that’s what i wanna know.
today i actually felt physically ill after catching a portion of that interview. all these people scrutinizing, trying to figure it all out, trying to find the ugliest, darkest, nastiest side to it all.
poor michael. as if he hasn’t had the most bizarre life experience already, with the fame, abuse, illness, the skin disease, the body dysmorphic disorder. now in death he’s still under a microscope…and more ruthlessly exploited than before.
i truly hope that he has found peace, and that he has already escaped far far away from this place and all our disgustingly shallow human obsessions.
the last few weeks have been intense. they were some of the most gratifying days of my life, and some of the most stressful.
but i did it!
in a few short weeks i somehow managed to take an idea and turn it into a real production. and not only that, but i found the most amazing team of people i could ask for to do this on a shoestring budget. i mean, it wasn’t cheap…and i’m no moneybags right now, but i believed in the project, so i was willing to go for it.
all in all, i have learned soooo much about producing. one thing i realized is that there is always potential for something to get fucked up. for example, i lost location after location after location until finally finding a PERFECT spot downtown, literally 2 days before the shoot. S-T-R-E-S-S-F-U-L.
but i pulled it off. i wanted to jump right into editing, but i had to go up to my cousins wedding in San Fran, which turned out to be the perfect mini-vacation before jumping headfirst into this whole post production process. whew!
so…it will be put up as soon as it’s done, my pretties…as soon as it’s done…muah hahaha…
i will also be editing a few other vlaaaahgs to put up between now and then…wohoo!
it almost seems inappropriate to talk about now that she’s gone. but since i wrote previous entries about her, i feel like i kind of need to let the people who read about her know that she’s finally left us.
tonight when i got home from work, i saw the message from my mom that my grandma had passed away. as much as i knew in my heart that she is in a much better place, i still cried…and felt…selfish…for feeling sad. if i was to only feel for her, i should be happy…because she can finally be at peace. the sadness is for my own feelings of loss. a loss of history. of culture.
i wish i had known her better. i wish i had seen her when she was young. i wish i had known her then. i wish i could have talked with her more. i wish i had spoken her language. especially now that she’s gone, it is even more apparent that i hardly knew her at all.
i want to tell her that she’s amazing for raising six children on her own, running a farm after my grandfather passed away so young. i want her to know that she is a part of me. i want to thank her for giving me my mother.
the important thing is that my mom is ok. and probably…relieved. it was incredibly difficult for her to see my grandma suffering.
if any of you are reading, please just send a good thought out to my grandma and my mom too. thanks everybody…
My DAD joined facebook! wtf??? what once was a safe haven amongst friends to post whatever shenanigans and perhaps the occasional inappropriate photo is now in full view of my DAD. are you even that cool, dad? when did that happen?? and why weren’t you cool when i was in high school and living in a virtual lockdown asian family style? coulda used your hidden coolness then when i would beg and plead to just go to the MALL on the freaking weekends, let alone a party once in a….NEVER!!!??
i mean, i can’t feasibly reject his friend request, can i?
MY GRANDMA WOKE UP!!!!! i wish it had been while i was in taiwan, but the good news is that she’s conscious, she can speak and move her arms, but she’s pretty out of it. she needs dialysis every couple days, but she’s breathing on her own. talk about a tough cookie at age 93. maybe we can squeeze a few more good years out of her. it’s hard to say. but at least my family gets to hang with her some more.