Some years ago I had these two phrases tattooed to my forearms to remind me that I came here to die. Such a statement could be perceived as shocking but it’s true. I give thanks that somehow, through the fog of my once hyper-dulled and culturally medicated reality, my higher self revealed to me that the pain of death and transformation is inevitable in this realm. That I would not be able to avoid pain forever. That I could even learn to welcome pain as a teacher, and a sign of healing, growth, and evolution. My higher self also cultivated within my heart the understanding that suffering would be my choice if I wished to experience it. This mantra allowed me to dive into the pain I felt then, and rebirth myself into who I am now.
Come 2013…where I would experience pain again.
There is pain – the kind that makes you laugh at yourself for a silly bumped elbow. The kind that causes a slight gasp to escape from your lips. Or the kind that causes you to pour forth a combination of agony and ecstasy.
Then there is the kind of pain that stops you in your tracks. That makes you forget to breathe. A blinding pain that you feel through the infinite echoes of the Universe. The kind of pain that can send you momentarily to the other side just to wake you back up. WAKE UP! Stop. Breathe. This is the kind of pain that feels like a sure sign from the Universe to STOP. STOP what you are doing right NOW. Go no further until you have gotten to the ROOT of this…not later, but NOW.
Aye…I hear youniverse. I bow to you humbly now…please help me heal. I receive you in all your wisdom.
This healing path is often a confusing one…moments of rapture, ecstasy, bliss, mingling with momentary egoic certainty that there is some answer…some solution. Every time I feel certain about anything, the Universe gives me a reason to QUEST-ion again.
As I FEEL into pain…FEEL into my root connection with the Earth, I real-EYES I am feeling her. Momma I am feeling you. I am so sorry, please forgive me. Thank you, I love you. I am so grateful for this piece of you that you have kindly lent to me for this lifetime. This piece of you that I get to pilot and dance through the ether in the most magnificent grandest show of this lifetime upon lifetimes.
Thank you for showing me where I have been disconnected at my root…fearful. I thank you for inviting me to see what I was not letting myself see. I forgive myself and all. Thank you for the honor of giving me sight to see all that came before me, and all that will come after. I grieve for all the mothers lost on the journey. I give thanks for the ability to FEEL such grief and loss through this temporary experience of separation. I revel in the sweet bliss of agony. What a blessing it is to feel anything at all.
I also thank you for inviting me to feel into the depths of my third chakra storms…weathering the core of my existence in a full tantrum of rebirth stewing in the cauldron of my belly. My weakened armies of invisible soldiers finally standing up and demanding to be restored and replenished. Declaring WE ARE! Yes my darlings, we are and I AM! Proclaiming with determinism and force to change and heal in this NOW. I am sorry I neglected you and failed to provide what you need, severely limited by own stubborn mind. I now SEE…I’m here for you.
Thank you thank you thank you for the divine intelligence of the body, always doing its best at all times to serve our existence here on this Earth. Thank you thank you thank you for challenging me to step up to my highest choices…for me AND for momma Earth. I hear you. I honor you. I serve you. I serve US.
It has become quite abundantly clear that if I am to share my gifts with this world, that I must heal my root connection with the Earth. I also fully accept my role as a divine creator of my own reality…and I thank you for showing me that it all begins with my WILL. My CHOICE. My choices every day, every moment.
Life is oh so precious. I choose to honor this life always in all ways. Thank you for this magnificent experience. Blessed journey to us all.
Painting: Frida Kahlo
UPDATE: I have since began a healing journey from something called CANDIDA. Here is a video blog I made to describe my journey:
If you think you have candida (it is WAY more common than you might think) and you would like to know how I healed myself from candida, visit this link: http://bit.ly/12PeTD6.
I am pretty transparent in sharing my own discoveries from eating raw foods to quantum study and you know what? I’m manifesting some amazing experiences in my life because of it! And, the biggest lesson of all that all the greats and all the masters have ever said is to not take life too seriously. Laugh often and enjoy life. So…
Back in September I went to Burning Man. I came home to Ojai and into the ELEVATE estate with a group of artists, filmmakers, producers, designers, programmers, and other badass, highly skilled people and I LOVE THEM ALL SO MUCH. We are participating in the grandest social experiment of my life: living and working in community. Why? Well, why not?
People break their backs trying to support themselves in the old paradigm world we have lived in for so long and life can be so much easier if we all just shared and loved a little. In fact, a LOT! We share resources and support each other the way tribal cultures do and it WORKS. Amazingly!
The funny thing is, last year I remember telling one of my best friends that I was manifesting an experience like this because of a vision I had of community. I imagined a house much like the one I live in now, with the most brilliant minds (which they are), and all with the same dream: To uplift humanity through art, creativity, and to live and teach self sustainability.
I love my ELEVATE community. We are all human and deal with the banality of cleaning our house every day. I’m sure you’ve all experienced having to clean up after someone else. This is why we make the effort to have as much fun as possible doing the most mundane things! Enjoy!
but look what i’ve got for you after all these months!! i recently got to partake in a project spawned from the creative labs of ELEVATE as a response to a Will Ferrell parody of the video Dear Woman, a video based on the “Manifesto for Conscious Men,” which has gotten quite a number of hits on Youtube and has raised a bit of discussion amongst men and women alike regarding the dance of the masculine and feminine energies that lie within all of us. now, i won’t go into all that too deep this time around, but let’s just say a yin yang ain’t only the decal on your weed grinders folks. we’ll get back to that one.
and thing is, because this is a topic that isn’t right up at the top of every person’s consciousness, it’s easy to make mockery of such, which is exactly what Will Ferrell and friends did with this gem:
the time finally came for me to vlog out. what kind of person does these things? these little vlog things?
i mean, rather than start another written post saying long it’s been since i’ve blogged blah blah blah blah blah, i decided to just talk it out. OH BOY did i talk it out. BEWARE. 10 minutes of yours truly and that’s after editing it down.
and well, not to reveal anything in there, but you’ve probably already read about some of the shifts i’ve been going through and all i wanna say to preface my video (if it resonates with you) is that every person will find a way that works for him or her, but the key to all things in life is intention, and i only encourage each and every single one of you on your path to full health and happiness. i’ve picked up a LOT of tools in the last year that i will continue to share.
my growth involved many transitions and phases, but the one specific thing i cannot stress enough to every single person who reads this is to go ORGANIC and only support sustainable, HUMANE farming practices. do it for your body, for your children, for your future, for OUR future.
also, if there was one thing i did not mention in my video that i would say now is:
lots of stuff in this first month of 2011…where do i begin? i suppose first of all, you should know i discovered that all this time since high school i’ve been typing incorrectly and losing the hearts of typographers everywhere by putting not one, but TWO spaces after each period of a sentence. not my fault! thanks, north carolina typing class teacher. needless to say, i will NOT be going back through my whole blog to correct this travesty.
next on the list: the episode of BONES that i appeared in aired last week. wohoo! t’was a non-speaking co-star, but i mentioned previously about having to reshoot the “love” scene because it was too sexy. apparently, sex — according to FOX network — does not involve any movement whatsoever. the first time we shot it i was specifically requested to rock wit u, but then the second time i was explicitly told, “less gyrating.”
MAKE UP YOUR MINDS, FOX.
anyhow, here’s a screen-capture — click it to watch the full episode on imdb:
this episode is written by an asian american writer and contains some content that miiight be construed as stereotyping…i dunno you tell me haha (i will play dumb for now). i found it humorous (don’t like to take everything too seriously ya know?), but perhaps it’s a way to start a dialogue. thoughts? i would love to know what ya’ll think after you watch it…
AND THEN the last order of business is…wait for it…
my friends Courtney and Jose created a web series of that very title, and it stars Jose, as himself, as The Drunken Chef. they asked me to guest star in this episode and we had a grand time shooting it. i was already well off the sauce when we shot this, although the crew (and drunken chef himself) enjoyed some beers. i think it was equally fun just pretending.