Some years ago I had these two phrases tattooed to my forearms to remind me that I came here to die. Such a statement could be perceived as shocking but it’s true. I give thanks that somehow, through the fog of my once hyper-dulled and culturally medicated reality, my higher self revealed to me that the pain of death and transformation is inevitable in this realm. That I would not be able to avoid pain forever. That I could even learn to welcome pain as a teacher, and a sign of healing, growth, and evolution. My higher self also cultivated within my heart the understanding that suffering would be my choice if I wished to experience it. This mantra allowed me to dive into the pain I felt then, and rebirth myself into who I am now.
Come 2013…where I would experience pain again.
There is pain – the kind that makes you laugh at yourself for a silly bumped elbow. The kind that causes a slight gasp to escape from your lips. Or the kind that causes you to pour forth a combination of agony and ecstasy.
Then there is the kind of pain that stops you in your tracks. That makes you forget to breathe. A blinding pain that you feel through the infinite echoes of the Universe. The kind of pain that can send you momentarily to the other side just to wake you back up. WAKE UP! Stop. Breathe. This is the kind of pain that feels like a sure sign from the Universe to STOP. STOP what you are doing right NOW. Go no further until you have gotten to the ROOT of this…not later, but NOW.
Aye…I hear youniverse. I bow to you humbly now…please help me heal. I receive you in all your wisdom.
This healing path is often a confusing one…moments of rapture, ecstasy, bliss, mingling with momentary egoic certainty that there is some answer…some solution. Every time I feel certain about anything, the Universe gives me a reason to QUEST-ion again.
As I FEEL into pain…FEEL into my root connection with the Earth, I real-EYES I am feeling her. Momma I am feeling you. I am so sorry, please forgive me. Thank you, I love you. I am so grateful for this piece of you that you have kindly lent to me for this lifetime. This piece of you that I get to pilot and dance through the ether in the most magnificent grandest show of this lifetime upon lifetimes.
Thank you for showing me where I have been disconnected at my root…fearful. I thank you for inviting me to see what I was not letting myself see. I forgive myself and all. Thank you for the honor of giving me sight to see all that came before me, and all that will come after. I grieve for all the mothers lost on the journey. I give thanks for the ability to FEEL such grief and loss through this temporary experience of separation. I revel in the sweet bliss of agony. What a blessing it is to feel anything at all.
I also thank you for inviting me to feel into the depths of my third chakra storms…weathering the core of my existence in a full tantrum of rebirth stewing in the cauldron of my belly. My weakened armies of invisible soldiers finally standing up and demanding to be restored and replenished. Declaring WE ARE! Yes my darlings, we are and I AM! Proclaiming with determinism and force to change and heal in this NOW. I am sorry I neglected you and failed to provide what you need, severely limited by own stubborn mind. I now SEE…I’m here for you.
Thank you thank you thank you for the divine intelligence of the body, always doing its best at all times to serve our existence here on this Earth. Thank you thank you thank you for challenging me to step up to my highest choices…for me AND for momma Earth. I hear you. I honor you. I serve you. I serve US.
It has become quite abundantly clear that if I am to share my gifts with this world, that I must heal my root connection with the Earth. I also fully accept my role as a divine creator of my own reality…and I thank you for showing me that it all begins with my WILL. My CHOICE. My choices every day, every moment.
Life is oh so precious. I choose to honor this life always in all ways. Thank you for this magnificent experience. Blessed journey to us all.
Painting: Frida Kahlo
UPDATE: I have since began a healing journey from something called CANDIDA. Here is a video blog I made to describe my journey:
If you think you have candida (it is WAY more common than you might think) and you would like to know how I healed myself from candida, visit this link: http://bit.ly/12PeTD6.
the time finally came for me to vlog out. what kind of person does these things? these little vlog things?
i mean, rather than start another written post saying long it’s been since i’ve blogged blah blah blah blah blah, i decided to just talk it out. OH BOY did i talk it out. BEWARE. 10 minutes of yours truly and that’s after editing it down.
and well, not to reveal anything in there, but you’ve probably already read about some of the shifts i’ve been going through and all i wanna say to preface my video (if it resonates with you) is that every person will find a way that works for him or her, but the key to all things in life is intention, and i only encourage each and every single one of you on your path to full health and happiness. i’ve picked up a LOT of tools in the last year that i will continue to share.
my growth involved many transitions and phases, but the one specific thing i cannot stress enough to every single person who reads this is to go ORGANIC and only support sustainable, HUMANE farming practices. do it for your body, for your children, for your future, for OUR future.
also, if there was one thing i did not mention in my video that i would say now is:
it’s the best. i mean come on. there’s nothing like embracing the madness. it’s fun magnifying those insanity pepper type thoughts that sometimes swim around up there. why the eff not?
i spent much of my youth having to restrain myself in this regard. my parents used to call me “wild.” i think i sometimes scared them a bit. they told me that girls didn’t act so wild and crazy like i did. i realize there were a lot of factors that influenced their belief of my wildness, including, but not limited to: my parents being first generation immigrants from taiwan; growing up with an older brother; moving and changing schools A LOT; and we musn’t forget – our best friend – SUGAR (a.k.a. “pure evil”). i will touch on this sugar thing again in another post i think, but right now i will just leave it at pure evil.
now, you might be imagining me tearing through life like a little asian chucky or something. but it wasn’t so much like that. i loved being girly and graceful too. i fell in love with the image of ballerinas before i can even remember. the lessons started at age 3. i loved it so much. i was good. i learned fast. my teachers noticed. my little 3 year old ego was pumped to be leader of the goslings in our Mother Goose recital.
i could be light.
i could be gentle.
i could be poised.
but most importantly, i could walk like a cat because cat paws are like ballet feet.
see, a part of me will always see some weird benefit like that. cuz ballet brings us THAT much closer to becoming pure feline.
what was my point? oh right. well, i think i might be going through a weird spell. no wait. it’s not a spell, more like a surge, or a spark. or an electrical anomaly. not sure. regardless, it’s happening and i refuse to fight it. how all of this energy will present itself, i don’t know, but some of it is bubbling over into silly videos with mah gurl TAY TAY. we’ll see what else spews out too. BEWARE!
so come on! pop a pepper or two, and get weird with me. or you can just watch me and tay being weird in our second PATTAY video (here’s the first one).
WELL. normally i wouldn’t be the type to shoot a video about myself talking about myself. never. who does that? Ok, that’s a lie, but normally i at least wouldn’t think of making this type of video. i can’t stop imagining all the lonelies out there sending in tapes for The Real World. But i thought — damn — a hosting gig on a travel show (in TAIWAN!) could be exactly what I need to reconnect with my homeland! so i decided to see what would happen if i grabbed the Flip camera and set myself loose in the courtyard unsupervised.
Needless to say, I uncontrollably got wacky on that shizz. Who knows if Discovery folks will get my sense of humor, but I hope at least you do! Please watch it and please rate if you like it! If you don’t like it, let’s pretend it never happened. shhhhhh…