CutebutDeadly.net

understandings

oh hai.

yes, yes…i realize it’s been a while.

what’s changed, really?

EVERYTHING.

as usual, transformation is the name of the game peeps. not surprising to me anymore, as this IS the time. it’s now or never!!

are you noticing it as well? noticing yourself and the people around you making changes, or if not consciously making them, situations “occur” to cause a shift? if you presence yourself and pay attention to the world around you, patterns and synchronicities emerge. everywhere. major shifts in our lives and major shifts on the planet, in our bodies, in our hearts, all mirroring each other so synchronistically. it’s so fucking beautiful and amazing i can hardly stand it! i am really just using an old paradigm figure of speech, because not only can i stand it, i am just reveling in it. soaking it up, yum yum fucking YUM.

let me ask you: how good can YOU stand it?

obviously, if you saw my last post, you heard me go on about exploring raw cuisine, and the many positive effects it has had on my health and spirit. and i realize rather than label myself a raw foodist, i’ve evolved into an intuitive eater, where i generally prefer food with a high content of nutrition, and that subsists of fresh, organically grown food, the less treated the better, and ultimately balance is the key.

when i began this exploration, my intention was to cleanse my body of all the toxins we take in on a regular basis eating processed and conventionally grown foods. i am so so so so grateful for this book i found called Secrets of An Alkaline Body, written by Annie Jubb. she opened a restaurant called Lifefood Organic near my place in hollywood, and discovering it, her, and the book… well, it saved my life. i am completely serious when i say this.

whatever was brewing beneath the surface that i couldn’t see but could intuitively feel, that probably wouldn’t have caused any “serious” issues for many years still, was causing a lot of fear deep in my mind. the deep fear came from not knowing. and not knowing creates lack of ease (hello? dis-ease!). this fear over not knowing kept me re-living my old patterns, which would have surely lead to disease. that is, until i gave myself the gift of bringing the parts of me sinking into the dark back into light. literally. for me, this was through food. i brought in more light — light created by the synthesis of the sun and the earth and our plants — back into my physical body.

this is fucking LIFE FORCE.

by seeking knowledge, i discovered knowing. by exercising integrity and intentionally changing my old patterns, i created ease. which came from harnessing the light. and the light is… well… ready? God. Source. Creator. Is. Be. Am. Us. You. Me. Whateveryouwannacallexistence.

and it blew my heart open. ok ok, so you’ve heard this already yes?

so why is this coming up again?

well.

it has to do with a few sexy pictures that i’ve been hesitant to share.

HA!

this is certainly, by far, my most spiritual segue into sexy photos [to date].

but you see, this hesitancy to share is teaching me SOOOOO much about the whole process i’m going through discovering my true self. the photos are of course, from my annual summer shoot with my brother from another galaxy, lee clower. my connection with lee and the images we co-create is a channel for me to share an aspect of myself that i had kept in a pattern of hiding. it is an aspect innate within me — in fact, a gift — innate in all of us.

our sexuality.

the pure energy of creation. this energy is so beautiful, so amazing, so deep, so fucking fire engine yes solar flare yes more aliens yes bursting universal loving yes ecstasy yes YES YES YES!

and yet… we are told our whole lives no no no…

that energy is shameful. you shouldn’t share that. you’ll be judged. you’ll be exploited. you’ll be stripped of your dignity. and to add another layer to the mix, we are also taught that our bodies should be “perfect.” perfect? what’s perfect??? and as defined by who???

when i was still “toxic” i bought into a lot of the shame and guilt. i required spiritual assistance (aka my friend big Green) to bring me to a place even close to self-acceptance. and since we’ve already established that i pretty much tell you everything (i mean, sheesh, if you just read from the beginning, this blog is basically a map of patty yu’s journey to self discovery), i totally used that “assistance” for this shoot, taken only halfway into my “spiritual transformation.” i say halfway because i was consciously doing a lot of looking inward to “exorcise the demons” and making fantastic progress! but i was still recreating many of the same patterns.

and so, when i look at these photos, i am reminded of where i was then. i see in my eyes the pain of not knowing. and i see a body that i recognize as beautiful and sexy, but i know that it was mistreated, not fed for 2 days prior, because i felt out of control due to lack of any real knowledge about how to nourish it. i recognize the confused me in those photos and i remember her. and my hesitation to share is me pausing to feel through those memories.

the echos of fear. echos of shame. echos of guilt.

but i know something changed. for good. and therefore i release all my judgment and i honor her. for making that shift. to get her to me.

to now.

because now i live in bliss every day. now i see myself in the light.

and i appreciate, and cherish, and nourish, and love my self, like we all deserve to be loved. nourished. cherished. appreciated.

and for whatever reason i am compelled to just share all of this process. to perhaps illuminate the complexity of self-consciousness, and how that can manifest within the human mind. i share this information to assist in your transformation, should you seek it.

because i appreciate, and cherish, and nourish, and love YOU, like YOU deserve to be loved. nourished. cherished. appreciated.

i ruv yous.

whew!

now that was a lot of foreplay…

are you as curious as i am how the next shoot will go?

love you lee. i am so grateful to co-create with you.

<3

my hips have whiskers

my new favorite shirt from PAVONINE.

blurrr…..what is the meaning of this?

waywt

my girl jessica over at PAVONINE designs some cute fucking clothes.  i went to her studio yesterday and got to peruse a few of their collections including yet to be released items hehe.

goddamnit.

i am such a girl.

waywt (audition edition)

audition:  verizon

wardrobe description:  employee, upscale, classy, restaurant, business boardroom type.

say WHA??

what is the meaning of this?

sup sufu

luv yous guys

what is the meaning of this?

had an audition today.  the wardrobe was “nice casual.”  so…

next on today’s agenda:  meeting with an agent.  it’s like car shopping.

waywt

2/17/10

what is the meaning of this?

blah blah blah

it’s been a minute since i posted something new so i feel compelled to submit an entry.  look at that.  slave to you.  how’d that fucking happen?  look how much power you have over me.

anyway, i have been deliciously busy the last two weeks with a good number of auditions and callbacks to most of them.  i guess i can’t complain about not having too many auditions because i get called back a lot.  i’d rather have fewer auditions and a high callback ratio than a ton of auditions and a low callback ratio.  it means my agents are doing a good job submitting me for the appropriate jobs for my type.  AND that i’m doing well in the room too.  so yay.  high fives all around.  i smell a job around the corner.

i am also meeting with a theatrical agent sometime in the next two weeks.  this is an agent who i think will be a great match and we’ve been emailing to figure out a time to meet.  i’m very eager to get back into the game theatrically (film and tv).  ARGHHH I CAN’T WAIT.  but let’s not get too desperate now…it always shows.  chill the fuck out, patty.

actually…i’ve been thinking about this a lot lately.  i tend to get really excited about things…ideas, possibilities, etc..  maybe i get a bit overzealous and scare people off a little.  i dunno.  but it’s ok…i’ve also experienced the magic of meeting the right people and sparks flare and big shit happens.  i love that.  so anyway…i’ll just continue being my excitable self thank you very much and with the right match, things will just GO.

luckily, i also get over shit fast when things don’t work out — it helps tremendously in this business.  you’re rejected so much that you better be able to get over it fast, boy.  my advice to any aspiring actors out there:  get over shit.  FAST.  go to your audition and then forget about it.  IMMEDIATELY.  or else you’ll carry that into the next one and it’ll fuck your shit up and then you’ll hate yourself and then you won’t be able to stop thinking about it and it’ll fuck your shit up even MORE.  it’s a vicious cycle, and so utterly pointless, so just stop it.

this is one seriously loosened bowel of written poo and i won’t torture you with much more.  when there’s meatier topics, there will be more solidly formed poo.  still talking blog here, people.

someone slap me now.

uh…and here’s a photo i posted on superfuture yesterday.  woo.

hip casual

if you watched my nerdy video blog here, then you heard me explain that for commercial auditions you’re given descriptions for “wardrobe,” which is how you’re supposed to dress for your character.  for my US Bank callback yesterday the role was for “couple buying movie tickets” and the wardrobe was “hip casual.”  sometimes the wardrobe description gets a little outta control in an attempt to get people looking a certain way.  the funniest one i’ve gotten was something like “trendy, hip, sexy, cool…but not slutty.” hilarious that someone in either the ad company or casting made it a point to add “but not slutty,” and every actress called in was given the “don’t be slutty” memo by their agent.  does this mean i can try to be slutty for every other audition?  yesssssss…

my second audition yesterday was just “casual” so i replaced the shoes above (Vivienne Westwood Anglomania) with some Frye’s woven leather flats.  i had to take the “hip” out of the equation (more or less).  you should always consider who the client is as well.  for my second “casual” audition, the client was KFC, so i knew right away that they wanted a super approachable, lifestyle kind of “casual.”  always let your personality shine through of course.

my kohl’s audition and callback the other day asked for “fashionable, hip, casual, well put together, body conscious.”  body conscious means they want to see your figure, which means don’t wear baggy, loose clothing.  you have to wear something that is form fitting, but usually NOT SLUTTY either haha.  i wore the outfit in this post here.  my performance and the outfit was enough to get the callback, but i don’t think i’m ultimately the type they want for a client like kohl’s (we’ll see).  an ad for kohl’s after Thanksgiving Sale is targeting suburban housewives.  they’ll probably want all american but very attractive, and i’m not sure i fall into that category.  for any actors out there, never let ANYTHING discourage you.  there are just too many factors involved when people are casting parts.  be yourself and you’ll book the right gigs for your type.

good to know:  if your audition is for a client like Bud Light, or Captain Morgan’s and it says “body conscious,” then you can probably be a little slutty.  you know, just fyi.

thank you superfuture

In an earlier post HERE, i talked about a website called Superfuture, where users post their outfits in a thread called What Are You Wearing Today.  Back before I started making my dorky video blogs, I decided to post some photos in waywt and boy that community is rough on noobs.

Some of my friends think it’s crazy and don’t understand why I’d subject myself to that kind of scrutiny.  In some ways they’re right.  At the same time, I’m here trying to find my voice in LA and i realize that i need to be ok with scrutiny.  Superfuture somehow felt like a safe place for me to lose anonymity.  I saw all these other interesting people putting themselves out there…and it inspired me (and still does).

Many people give you very nice, positive feedback.  But there are the few who professionally HATE.  I learned from that too.  No matter what you do in the world, no matter what you put out, there will be people who like it and there will be people who don’t.  No matter WHAT.  Everyone feels how they feel for personalized reasons.  By posting on Sufu sort of blindly, i learned this very quickly, which actually helped me to move onto the next step of making my little video blogs that I still secretly love hate myself.  Those videos then helped me to take another step and produce something bigger.  And this is just the beginning.

So…thanks sufu.  Thanks everyone who’s been cool, and thanks to the haters too.  I’ve learned from you.  Love ya’ll.  (even you jmatsu).

The reason why I write this is cuz i’m posting a fit today after a long hiatus (got a little…distracted).

[a window into my own mania:  i started writing this blog at like 4pm today and somehow psyched myself out.  i  had to step away from the computer because i started hating on my own photo.  haha.  but this is exactly why i need to just do it.  i don't know why as human beings we self-doubt so much.  but fuck it.  it's going up, damnit.]

Apple gave me positive rep

So, last week I had a casting for a print ad for Apple computers. The role was for a “creative business professional.” I put on an outfit, took some snapshots for Superfuture and Lookbook, and headed to the casting. When i got back, my post in Superfuture had gotten a lot of criticism. I paired this beautiful Diane Von Furstenburg blouse with some high waisted shorts, as pictured below.

A bunch of the dudes on Sufu were somehow offended by the shorts. Granted, lots of people liked it as well, but many people had something to say. The couple guys who didn’t like it thought the proportions were off, and that i should have worn a pencil skirt instead. Blah blah blah. I would totally do that too, but I would wear it with the shorts too. As they say, women dress for other women, not for men.

Anyhow, I’m on hold for the Apple job! Can’t get too excited yet, because as luck would have it, the last print job and commercial i got put on hold for released me last minute, but hell, Apple gave me pos rep. Shorts validated.