instant.

this is something i can really feel where i am right now.  in this moment.

the last few years have been a build up.

it has been a time to learn.  absorb.  affect.

the biggest lesson was the most simple and yet sometimes the hardest.

i had to learn how to believe in myself.

see, it’s strange because i always did to an extent.  otherwise i wouldn’t have made my way to los angeles and started living this very unconventional and terrifyingly unstable lifestyle, which i only say unconventional and terrifying from the assumed perspective of other more conventional and stable individuals, because for me, this feels normal and i honestly welcome a constant flow of change and unpredictability.  i crave and relish it.

something new?

slurrrrrrrp.

but yes.  there were still layers of the cocoon that needed to be shed.  pieces of my transforming self waiting to be exposed.  and i’ve been purposefully, carefully, and lovingly peeling the layers back one by one…

this will be an ongoing process of course.  as is life.  the transformation will always continue into each new phase of my life.  but the lesson i had to learn for today, for this moment and for the rest of my life, was to believe unconditionally.  to trust.  and to enjoy every moment of getting here.  through all the hard times and all the successes.  each moment has been a building block forming my life and my future.  i’m so excited for all the possibilities.  both the ones i make and the ones that cross my path.

life is so beautiful in this sense.  it never ends and the possibilities are infinite.

i don’t have any specific news to share with you.  yet.  but in this moment, i celebrate my own private success.  because i got what i want.

my life has changed monumentally.

from within.

and i can’t stop smiling…

life is good.  life is sooo good.

photo by lee clower

photo by lee clower

we had some really good times, we did.  i learned so much about myself.  i mean, i kind of grew up while i was with you.  you made me feel so safe inside a giant wall of protection.  i looked up to you.  i let you make all my decisions.

but i guess now that i’m a lil more grown up, i kinda wanna try something new.  i wanna see what else is out there, swim in a smaller, more focused pond, and learn from new masters.

please forgive me for leaving you and know that i’m forever grateful.

and i hope we can still be friends.

wuv,

me.

*******

yup.  i did it.  i had to.  i broke up with them.  it’s the first time i’ve ever done that and i am feeling super positive and excited for my new representation Lemon Lime Agency.  This agency makes me feel like I can just be me.  I’m so happy about that.  I think it’s a terrific sign that all the photos they chose were photos that I would have chosen as well.  I love that.  I hear actors complain about disagreeing with their agents on headshots all the time.  So I’m psyched and ready to roll.

I also have to give credit to Twitter and its growing community of actors, casting directors, agents, and managers, who have started a very important dialogue together.  Actor’s voices were heard and many people benefited and learned from an experiment where agents took general meetings in the month of July.  I was fortunate to see my new agent Robin Harrington put out an offer to her tweeps:  First 20 to reply with a link their site would be considered for a general meeting.  I linked her to this blog, she replied expressing interest and voila, we scheduled a meeting.  I was already familiar with her agency and wanted to work with her, she offered, and i took it.  Bing, bang, boom.  It felt serendipitous.

If you are an actor, I highly recommend you visit Robin’s site, which offers a lot of really great information and advice to actors.  I am very much looking forward to working with her and her partner Chaim Magnum.

uh yeah.  that’s his real name.  fuck yes.

so, i leave you with the new photo lineup.  this is how i appear in print to the world of commercial casting.  happy friday everybody!

[View with PicLens]

blurrr…..what is the meaning of this?

goddamnit.

i am such a girl.

got me excited.

i can’t explain in words where i go when i shoot with lee.  it’s like a meditation.  it’s a uniting of souls.  we both see.

it’s amazing.

fun.

and sexy.

i get to tap into something that normally i hold very very close to me.  but the trust i have in lee allows me to reveal myself.  both in spirit and well…

you know.

so liberating and freeing.  i love it and always look forward to it so much.

love you lee.

so guess what.  from last year…xx

but since my dear john letter is still otw to the other peeps, i’ll give details later.

however, i left the mtg with instructions to take some photos “just as i was.”

and so i did.

and these are a few of those photos.

]]> http://cutebutdeadly.net/2010/07/just-like-you-are/feed/ 0 http://cutebutdeadly.net/2010/07/out-of-mind-in-of-sight/ http://cutebutdeadly.net/2010/07/out-of-mind-in-of-sight/#comments Sat, 24 Jul 2010 20:55:46 +0000 admin http://cutebutdeadly.net/?p=1453 sometimes i like to go a little nuts.

bonkers you might say.

it’s the best.  i mean come on.  there’s nothing like embracing the madness.  it’s fun magnifying those insanity pepper type thoughts that sometimes swim around up there.  why the eff not?

i spent much of my youth having to restrain myself in this regard.  my parents used to call me “wild.”  i think i sometimes scared them a bit.  they told me that girls didn’t act so wild and crazy like i did.  i realize there were a lot of factors that influenced their belief of my wildness, including, but not limited to:  my parents being first generation immigrants from taiwan; growing up with an older brother; moving and changing schools A LOT; and we musn’t forget – our best friend – SUGAR (a.k.a. “pure evil”).  i will touch on this sugar thing again in another post i think, but right now i will just leave it at pure evil.

now, you might be imagining me tearing through life like a little asian chucky or something.  but it wasn’t so much like that.  i loved being girly and graceful too.  i fell in love with the image of ballerinas before i can even remember.  the lessons started at age 3.  i loved it so much.  i was good.  i learned fast.  my teachers noticed.  my little 3 year old ego was pumped to be leader of the goslings in our Mother Goose recital.

i could be light.

i could be gentle.

i could be poised.

but most importantly, i could walk like a cat because cat paws are like ballet feet.

meow.

see, a part of me will always see some weird benefit like that.  cuz ballet brings us THAT much closer to becoming pure feline.

obviously.

what was my point?  oh right.  well, i think i might be going through a weird spell.  no wait.  it’s not a spell, more like a surge, or a spark.  or an electrical anomaly.  not sure.  regardless, it’s happening and i refuse to fight it.  how all of this energy will present itself, i don’t know, but some of it is bubbling over into silly videos with mah gurl TAY TAY.  we’ll see what else spews out too.  BEWARE!

so come on!  pop a pepper or two, and get weird with me.  or you can just watch me and tay being weird in our second PATTAY video (here’s the first one).

chickens.

if you thought we were weird before…