CutebutDeadly.net

LA isn’t built for rain

but something in me sure was, and i’m enjoying every moment of it.  in fact, i bought rain boots yesterday because there were four more days of rain forecasted.  and then i probably won’t wear them again all year, but who friggin cares!

anyhow, that isn’t what i really wanted to talk about here today.  what do i want to talk about, you might ask?

relationships.

no.  not those kind of relationships.  i’m talking professional ones.

see, i was driving in the rain today after dropping off a submission to an agency that i am very interested in, and while blissing out to the millions of rain splatters being wiped over and over from the windshield, i started to draw comparisons between professional relationships between an agent and actor, to a more personal, intimate relationship.

what i concluded to myself was that previously, in my own experience, i was not in the right relationship.  and what i’ve learned about being in a wrong relationship — professional or personal — is that i end up losing myself.  slowly.  pieces of me.  little by little.  when i’m in the wrong relationship, i start to forget how to just be me.  and i start thinking i have to be what other people expect me to be.  not so much in a conscious way, but subconsciously over time.

it was horrible for me creatively.  i was so blocked.  i became so unsure about what i was doing and THAT is actor suicide.

let me be clear that i didn’t think these relationships were BAD relationships.  they just weren’t right.  for me.  the last year was such a blessing for me.  being freed from my old rep was the most inspiring thing they’ve ever done for me.  it allowed myself to come back.  to be me again.  it gave me the motivation to make my silly, fun video, and even start this website.  and the crazy thing is, this return-to-my-true-self seems to just beget more and more work.  people started coming to me with work this past year and i didn’t even have an agent.  i’m not sure when the last time was that i was so happy and productive.

to be fair to the people before, i wasn’t so happy or enlighted when i met them, so they didn’t get to see the real me then either.  so it’s nobody’s fault that it didn’t work out.  we all just needed to find ourselves, yes?

i guess THAT is a sign that i’m ready for a new relationship.  professional, that is.  and i’m very excited to find the right people who will fit.  just.  right.

so…wish me luck, ya’ll!

and enjoy this cuddle weather.

my #1 cuddle buddy watching sag screeners with me

a little update

things are finally picking up.  i got callbacks for both kohl’s and usbank, and then a third commercial audition today.  feels good.  will feel even better when i book one of these suckers.  we’ll see.

my idea for the next project is starting to fill out a little.  hehehe…it’s gonna be f*cking crazy!!  maybe a little more satirical than just parody.  oh and just wait until you hear who it’s of kekekke.  to be continued…

other than that i’m just dicking around, making inappropriate jokes on twitter, making little to no sense 38% of the time, but having a grand ol’ time regardless.  oh, and i’m constantly confused when i see things on twitter like messages from Deepak Chopra followed immediately by Snoop Dog.  does.  not.  compute…

can we officially label this the most boring blog post eva?

thank you superfuture

In an earlier post HERE, i talked about a website called Superfuture, where users post their outfits in a thread called What Are You Wearing Today.  Back before I started making my dorky video blogs, I decided to post some photos in waywt and boy that community is rough on noobs.

Some of my friends think it’s crazy and don’t understand why I’d subject myself to that kind of scrutiny.  In some ways they’re right.  At the same time, I’m here trying to find my voice in LA and i realize that i need to be ok with scrutiny.  Superfuture somehow felt like a safe place for me to lose anonymity.  I saw all these other interesting people putting themselves out there…and it inspired me (and still does).

Many people give you very nice, positive feedback.  But there are the few who professionally HATE.  I learned from that too.  No matter what you do in the world, no matter what you put out, there will be people who like it and there will be people who don’t.  No matter WHAT.  Everyone feels how they feel for personalized reasons.  By posting on Sufu sort of blindly, i learned this very quickly, which actually helped me to move onto the next step of making my little video blogs that I still secretly love hate myself.  Those videos then helped me to take another step and produce something bigger.  And this is just the beginning.

So…thanks sufu.  Thanks everyone who’s been cool, and thanks to the haters too.  I’ve learned from you.  Love ya’ll.  (even you jmatsu).

The reason why I write this is cuz i’m posting a fit today after a long hiatus (got a little…distracted).

[a window into my own mania:  i started writing this blog at like 4pm today and somehow psyched myself out.  i  had to step away from the computer because i started hating on my own photo.  haha.  but this is exactly why i need to just do it.  i don't know why as human beings we self-doubt so much.  but fuck it.  it's going up, damnit.]

Booked It!

Quick update: I booked the taco bell spot! wohoo! So, stay tuned for the next video blog installment about the gig! It shoots a week from today, so hopefully I’ll have the video up by the end of next week!

Fits and Starts

So, yesterday was kind of a rough day in the life of Patty. I mean…not reeeeaaaallly. I have a roof over my head. I have food to eat. I have the clothes on my back (and the stupid amount of clothes in my closet). But as much as I was trying to see all the positives about my “A” agency dropping me, I couldn’t help but get bummed. Fuck, I got BUMMED.

By the way, did I tell you I’m taking a break from the booze and ganja as a new years resolution? Uh…ok, I know I didn’t, it’s my own damn blog. So yeah…I am not shy to say I’m a social drinker and a smoker of green. But it was getting excessive because of my very “relaxed” lifestyle. I mean, I bartend two nights a week, but the rest of my week is open. The great thing is, I pretty much NEVER miss an audition. The bad thing is, I have too much free time sometimes. I have too much free time a LOT of the time. So, my occasional puff puff turned into a much more regular habit. Not only that, but it’s all around me.  heh, this is LA, folks. So anyway, I decided that I was going to stop for two whole months. I know what you’re thinking. Two months? That’s it? Hunnies, two months solid of not smoking is pretty damn good in my book. And plus, the point is to change the habit. After the two months is over, it will feel normal to be not smoking. While I was at it, I decided to just not drink too. And actually, it is WAY harder not to drink. Dinner parties with wine and meeting up with people over a drink are choice socialization options in this town. But it feels really good to be clean and I might just stay sober for longer.

ANYWAY, the reason I even went into that is because yesterday after I pounded out my submissions to those agencies (I sent them my photos, resume, and a brief intro message), the sun went down, and it really sank in that I lost my theatrical rep at one of the best agencies in town. FUCK. I was sitting at my desk, starting to feel tired, and MAN, all I wanted to do was smoke a fatty. But I didn’t. It’s just funny…i wanted to escape and not feel shitty. But it would have actually just made me feel shittier in the long run.

Of COURSE I have to end this entry with some decent news. One of the agencies that I wrote, AKA , called me to set up a meeting for next week. They commercially represent Daniel Dae Kim, and Lauren Holly for voice over, plus some young folks that are entering the scene through teeny bopper gigs like Twilight (Rachelle Lefevre) and 90210 (Adam Gregory) commercially as well. I still need to gauge how they are theatrically, but i’m thinking maybe i’ll start looking at my options commercially as well. Who knows! Change is great!!!

Now that I have the meeting, I’m excited again. I’m hoping to get more meetings with other agencies as well. Please keep your fingers crossed for me!

Peaks and Valleys

So, i hit a major speed bump in my career today. My agent Melissa calls me from her cell and says she has bad news. Uh oh…i knew what was coming. Innovative cut the breakout division. Completely axed it. They made major cuts in their client roster, and unfortunately I have the misfortune of getting cut. The only clients they kept from that division were those who were currently on a show or film, or recently booked a substantial gig. For example, one of Melissa’s clients is AnnaLynne McCord from the new 90210. My recent co-star on Brothers & Sisters didn’t quite cut it. I am, however, still with Innovative commercially.

I immediately emailed a manager that I met a few months ago. Her name is Stephanie Nese. She represents Melonie Diaz, Rick Gonzalez, and some other young development clients. We had a great meeting and she told me she was interested in me, but that she couldn’t take on a new development client right now, with the pending strike, etc. It wouldn’t have served me or her other clients for her to take someone new on, with fewer jobs than usual out there for all of us. However, she said that I should keep in touch with her, and that I should call her or email her if I ever had questions.

SO, I emailed her today and told her what happened. I asked her if she had any agents that she recommended I contact. Almost immediately she emailed me back and listed a few companies. KSA, Gage Group, Corsa Agency, and Glick Agency. She told me to let them know she referred me to them, and that she was interested, but couldn’t take me on right now. How seriously cool of her. Her company, Framework Entertainment, represents some huge names like John C. Reilly, and Lucy Liu, so it should help me get meetings with these agencies.

On a positive note, i got a callback today for the other audition I had last week–this one is for Audi. I feel really great about it, but the problem is that it shoots on the dates I’m supposed to go to Taiwan to see my Grandmother. I’ll have a tough decision to make if I book the job, but also, it’s a terrible time to lose representation because pilot season is about to start. So I am feeling very anxious about leaving town in this position where I need to really HUSTLE and get new rep.

s t r e s s f u l .

I’m looking at this positively though. In all honesty, I’ve felt disconnected from my representation. I never felt like they knew what I was all about and what I had to offer. And even though I wanted more, it was so comfy and safe in a great name like Innovative. So I think this is for the best in the long run. Melissa in part took me on as a favor to her good friend. I want an agent to take me on because he or she really believes in me and GETS me. Wish me luck finding the one!

On Avail

This year feels like it will be really great for whatever reason. Perhaps it is stemming from within myself, but I know it will be a very prosperous year. Pilot season is about to start up, barring the SAG strike, which could still very well happen even though it is a terrible time to strike. Hearing actors whine about not making enough money is met with extreme dismay with the economy the way it is, but at the same time, many of the issues on the table are legitimate and the actors who really suffer are the ones like me, who are not making millions per picture (yet).

While I am VERY excited for this year to get rolling, I am postponing my real jump back in to go back to Taiwan for Chinese New Year. My dad, who works in Shanghai, will finally get a break and my whole family will see each other in Lin Ko, a city outside of Taipei. However, this trip isn’t going to be all roses, because the real reason my brother and I are making this journey east is because my grandmother on my mom’s side is 93 and sick. So, we really want to see her one more time, since going back to Taiwan is only a once a year luxury. These photos were taken December 2007 of my grandma, my mom, me, and one of my cousin’s daughters. Four generations of women from my mom’s side.

My grandmother doesn’t speak Mandarin, and I don’t speak Taiwanese, so I’ve never been able to really have a conversation with her. It makes me feel so disconnected from my lineage and culture sometimes. I have no idea what I will feel when she passes away. I can’t even wrap my head around it right now. Sigh…

Since I’ll be leaving on Jan 21st, and not returning until the 30th, I’ll be missing a lot of auditions. So this past week, when two rolled down the pipeline, I decided it would be necessary to book at least one of them! Of course I try to book everything I go on, but it’s not always realistic or possible. BUT, I’m on avail for one of them! Verizon.

If you’re wondering what being “on avail” means, it is essentially being put on hold for a job. The production company may put a few extra people on “avail” in case someone passes on the job, perhaps for another job or due to illness, etc. Sometimes the spot just doesn’t get shot, and that might be another reason you’re released from your avail. But, what it does mean is that you made it through all the rounds and that you just about have the job. So as an actor, you have to be happy that you essentially booked it, even if you’re released for whatever reason. Just before the break, I shot Pizza Hut, but I was also on avail for a Time Warner Cable spot at the same time and got released. I think because I was their second choice for the asian girl role. Still, it means I beat out lots of people to get that avail, and my agents know that I am likely to book jobs. Many agencies keep track of how often their clients get callbacks, etc to track their likelihood of booking, so any callback or avails are all GREAT for your relationship with your agents.

I’ll let you know if I am booked for certain! Will know on Monday. Until then, have a great weekend!