CutebutDeadly.net

ordering in

kiss me
      until
            i
              taste blood
           through
         my
      skin
    .




(2005)

time

as we all get older, time just seems to move faster.

the years are starting to fly, and i can’t even imagine how fast it will feel when i’m 80. every year an even smaller fraction of my life.

but life feels really good right now…
i can’t explain it.
it just feels good.

magic

the last few weeks have been intense. they were some of the most gratifying days of my life, and some of the most stressful.

but i did it!

in a few short weeks i somehow managed to take an idea and turn it into a real production. and not only that, but i found the most amazing team of people i could ask for to do this on a shoestring budget. i mean, it wasn’t cheap…and i’m no moneybags right now, but i believed in the project, so i was willing to go for it.

all in all, i have learned soooo much about producing. one thing i realized is that there is always potential for something to get fucked up. for example, i lost location after location after location until finally finding a PERFECT spot downtown, literally 2 days before the shoot. S-T-R-E-S-S-F-U-L.

but i pulled it off. i wanted to jump right into editing, but i had to go up to my cousins wedding in San Fran, which turned out to be the perfect mini-vacation before jumping headfirst into this whole post production process. whew!

so…it will be put up as soon as it’s done, my pretties…as soon as it’s done…muah hahaha…

i will also be editing a few other vlaaaahgs to put up between now and then…wohoo!

p

hey, relax

just the other day, my girlfriend told me that they say it’s healthier when people are total sluts in their sex dreams. and i realized that i am a total fucking PRUDE in my dreams. beyond prude. i’m like permanently programmed in PG-13. i mean, i don’t even feel comfortable calling them sex dreams; they are THAT far from being anything that’s even remotely exciting. they’re totally prepubescent dreams. it’s like i’m still an 11 year old dreaming about Uncle Jesse in Full House. heh…that was such a good dream.

plus, this makes me realize there must be something deeper holding me back. some constructs created from my childhood or something. and maybe it’s holding me back in life too…in my enjoyment of life and in achieving my goals. and THAT, people, is no good. no good at all.

me having dreams tamer than what they can show on network television is pathetic and i’m going to do something about it! so i’m going to try lucid dreaming again. i had this book in high school that taught me about it, and after some practice, had really focused my mind to recognize when i was dreaming. a few times i was able to stay asleep (i would often wake up) after the realization.

i am putting my intention out there to relax and have more fun in my dreams. why deny? no. i’m TAKING what i want…i mean, it’s a freaking dream!!! nothing can go wrong — it’s all in your head! everyone should try this!!

I think this will be a good exercise in life too. you know…the going after what you want part. not…being a slut. necessarily.

Booked It!

Quick update: I booked the taco bell spot! wohoo! So, stay tuned for the next video blog installment about the gig! It shoots a week from today, so hopefully I’ll have the video up by the end of next week!

Journey to the East

i left for taiwan at 12:10am on wednesday with a 2+ hour layover in seoul, korea. it’s been nice to be with my family, but challenging in other, more emotional ways.

we went to the country and saw grandma yesterday. it was kind of intense. the intensive care unit only opens up visiting for 20 minutes three times a day. we weren’t sure if we’d get there in time for the morning visit, but managed to make it a few minutes late. we walked into these automatic sliding doors and a nurse pointed a little scanner gun to our heads to make sure we had normal body temps. then we had to put on these hospital gown-like shirts. my mom whisked me into my grandma’s room, where she was hooked up to a dialysis. she had tubes sticking all over the place and a breathing mask. the whole experience was kind of frantic. my mom called out to my grandma several times, and her breathing got really labored, but she never woke up. i think the roughest part was that my mom got really emotional…she started to cry, which made me well up too.

then as quickly as we went in, we rushed out so that my brother and my dad could go in, since they only allow 2 people in at a time. it was nuts. i wasn’t even sure what had happened. 20 minutes isn’t enough time, but that’s all intensive care allows.

afterwards, on our way out of the hospital, my mom coerced me into getting some soft serve ice cream with her at the little shop in the hospital. she wanted it because she was really hot…from that frantic visit no doubt. it was kind of cute i guess…a little comfort food to ease some of the stress. my mom was eating hers from the top and the ice cream was dripping on her hands…she was like a little kid and my dad was trying to clean her up and they were bickering back and forth, but laughing at the same time.

i went back with my uncle during the afternoon visiting window, and saw grandma again. she was still unresponsive, but every few minutes her body convulsed in a coughing fit. each time this happened, it seemed like she would just wake up right then, but she didn’t. her body was just reacting on it’s own. the nurses had put her on her side because she was getting bed rashes on her tailbone, and her legs were exposed. her calf muscles were so tiny from atrophy. it was so sad to see her like this. it’s hard to imagine that she’ll recover from this…being 93. the last time she regained consciousness was a week ago, but she was only awake for a few hours.

maybe it was psychosomatic, but the rest of the day i felt sick to my stomach. i also felt short of breath during our three hour drive back to Linko. i couldn’t stop thinking about my grandma coughing, and how it all started with this infection in her lung that was resistent to antibiotics. i got paranoid that i maybe caught something in the hospital, but didn’t say anything. i woke up today though, and felt fine.

my apologies for such a heavy post…but this is what’s going on. i’ve been taking a lot of photos, so i’ll try to post some more later. what i’m grateful for, however, is that i got to see my grandmother at all. and i’m grateful that my family can be here together for chinese new year. this is the first time i’ve spent chinese new year in taiwan with my parents and brother, so this is a special trip.

more to come….