i’m having a bit of a tantrum right now. maybe it’s silly, but tsk!
i don’t wanna!!!
i don’t want to go back to my [incredibly spoiled] life!!!
auditions? yoga? california cuisine? bright summer sun? what? boriiiiing…
i just can’t be bothered right now.
what the fuck happened?
you goddamn australians, that’s what happened. christ i’m in love. i was so charmed…
completely swept.
i saw so much beauty in those 10 days. beauty in the land. beauty in the people.
don’t be jealous, los angeles. you know i love you. i do. you let me in, you’ve been there for me. you’ve provided for me and nourished me. i feel you baby.
but i am lurrrrrrrrving australia right now, boy. sprung. to. hell.
australia. you are so open. friendly. funny. warm. beautiful. modest. charming. real…
meow.
the land was intensely beautiful. so much beauty. so so much. i fell in love every day i was there.
sigh…
focus. must be a productive member of society.
so…photos. i did the unthinkable and lost my camera right before leaving sydney. wtf! but i took quite a lot of photos on my phone and they turned out surprisingly spectacular (i love my new iphone). you won’t see a lot of sydney (whoever picked up my camera gets to see those), but fall in love with the country town Dungog like i did. it was so beautiful. i mean seriously, my eyes came everyday. i suppose i should also mention that our film Passengers got some great response! this trip was amazing. i met so many amazing people, saw films, drank coffee, slept in a bunk bed in a youth hostel haha…so much freakin’ fun i can’t take it.
sometimes i can be so selective about what i share on here. other times one might consider my posts over-sharing. i mean pee dreams? those of you who love that post, i know you’re out there.
i’ve found the last several weeks a period of tremendous growth. i have so many ideas and see so much potential in the world. i can’t seem to put into words what i see, so i neglect to update my blog and all those other sharing tools. it’s not that i forget. actually i’m constantly wanting to share some news of success. i forget that most people are more forgiving than i am myself. some of my minor successes i write off, assuming you’d be bored of it. another print job? a commercial callback? oh. we already saw that before.
but it’s not you. it’s me. i’m the one who’s bored. i’m the one who’s no longer impressed. i want something new.
it’s time to level up.
is that why i’m running off to Australia? to mingle with some new blood? and maybe a koala or two?
funny though, i very well could book a commercial that makes me cut my trip to Australia short. it’s actually very amusing to me, and i should just start buying insurance every time i book a flight because this has happened more than once before.
anyhow, one thing i do want to share in this awesomely random, awesomely boring blog, is that sometimes the universe reveals the very thing i’m asking for. and it may not go exactly the way i want it to go, but i just have to trust that how it IS going will take me through all the steps needed to realize my vision.
i learned yesterday that i still have growing to do.
i am so lucky. i am so happy. i am so thankful for this lesson.
you have no idea what i’m talking about, but i promise that you will.
such an interesting thing this fear feeling. once upon a time, fear used to be a tool for our ancestors. for them to learn and establish what was dangerous in the world. fear helped to inform us and save lives.
so what about now? now that we’re so rarely faced with clear, present, imminent danger, what does fear do?
well, i can only speak for myself, but sometimes it immobilizes. it causes excessive rumination. fear often becomes a mental concept, and it exists in varying degrees of my consciousness. instead of fearing being attacked by a wild creature in the jungle, i fear that people will reject my ideas, or judge me.
each time this happens, i try to remind myself that what is really happening is that one of my other selves (oh yes, i have many – christ, why do you think i do what i do?) is still judging. ME. one of my selves that decided to be responsible for absorbing the world’s judgments along the way, sometimes turns on my other selves — who are inexplicably weird and expressive and just trying to have some fun.
it’s a bitch!
i’ve worked very hard over the years to overcome my fears and i am proud of where i’m at. but it’s funny. there’s still that inkling back there, that makes me hold back a little.
maybe it’s a good thing. maybe it’s better that i don’t just put everything out there right away. instead i sort of tease a little. maybe it’s part of what makes all this sharing more exciting. maybe i’ve found balance.
maybe all this pretense is just a way for me to be a little coy, so that when i drop a sexy photo, i don’t feel like a harlot.
maybe it’s no longer fear. maybe i’ve just discovered my pace. my boundaries. and i decide when to push them. maybe. maybe.
maybe i should just share a goddamn photo already.
just when i think life is getting drab, it pops a little excitement pill and sends me packing somewhere. how about that.
this morning i received a call from my rep and she says guess what you’re going to kansas city.
my first thought was…wait, which one was that? oh yeeaahh…
so, i guess i’m going to kansas city tomorrow.
it’s strange fun going on these out of town jobs all of a sudden. you unexpectedly get to go somewhere and meet some really cool, interesting people…i love that.
i’m a lucky girl.
catch ya when i get back…maybe i’ll give ya’ll the juicy details…
Posted 2 years, 1 month ago at 11:08 pm. Add a comment
i was joking around with a friend yesterday — having some faux-competitive ego flexing — when he asked me what i wanted for stakes.
i was momentarily frozen, unable to think of something to wager, almost overwhelmed by the playful competition. i proclaimed that i was sooo NOT really a competitive person, which lead him to ask, “how can you not be competitive? you’re job is all about competition!”
and well, the answer is…i am actually competitive. but, with myself. i am always feeling like i need to do better. to do more. to do something nobody else has done. however, when it comes to feeling competitive toward my actual, living, breathing competitors — the ones i see at auditions, that are reading for and being seen for the same roles as me — well, i learned that it doesn’t serve me the slightest to focus on them in that way. to pin myself against them.
funny thing is, i used to do this. back when i FIRST started, i used to go on IMDb and creep around all the other asian chicks in my age range to see what they’ve done, who they were repped by, how long they’ve been doing this. and you know what? it was awful for me. it made me insecure and worried about what i DIDN’T have under my belt yet. what I HADN’T accomplished.
the best thing i can do for my work is keep finding new outlets for expression and meeting people who inspire me. it also truly helps to feel like i have an audience, so i thank all of ya’ll who follow this damn thing. seriously. if you wanna get interactive on this shit…i’d love to hear from ya.
inspire me.
another from lee clower of course. a previous shoot…
btw, if you wanna click on MY IMDb, please feel free…
Posted 2 years, 2 months ago at 2:08 pm. Add a comment
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