anyhow, that isn’t what i really wanted to talk about here today.  what do i want to talk about, you might ask?

relationships.

no.  not those kind of relationships.  i’m talking professional ones.

see, i was driving in the rain today after dropping off a submission to an agency that i am very interested in, and while blissing out to the millions of rain splatters being wiped over and over from the windshield, i started to draw comparisons between professional relationships between an agent and actor, to a more personal, intimate relationship.

what i concluded to myself was that previously, in my own experience, i was not in the right relationship.  and what i’ve learned about being in a wrong relationship — professional or personal — is that i end up losing myself.  slowly.  pieces of me.  little by little.  when i’m in the wrong relationship, i start to forget how to just be me.  and i start thinking i have to be what other people expect me to be.  not so much in a conscious way, but subconsciously over time.

it was horrible for me creatively.  i was so blocked.  i became so unsure about what i was doing and THAT is actor suicide.

let me be clear that i didn’t think these relationships were BAD relationships.  they just weren’t right.  for me.  the last year was such a blessing for me.  being freed from my old rep was the most inspiring thing they’ve ever done for me.  it allowed myself to come back.  to be me again.  it gave me the motivation to make my silly, fun video, and even start this website.  and the crazy thing is, this return-to-my-true-self seems to just beget more and more work.  people started coming to me with work this past year and i didn’t even have an agent.  i’m not sure when the last time was that i was so happy and productive.

to be fair to the people before, i wasn’t so happy or enlighted when i met them, so they didn’t get to see the real me then either.  so it’s nobody’s fault that it didn’t work out.  we all just needed to find ourselves, yes?

i guess THAT is a sign that i’m ready for a new relationship.  professional, that is.  and i’m very excited to find the right people who will fit.  just.  right.

so…wish me luck, ya’ll!

and enjoy this cuddle weather.

my #1 cuddle buddy watching sag screeners with me